The Best and Worst TV roommates

Six Boar writers present a mix of their dream roommates, and the characters who would be nightmares…

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Frasier Crane

Frasier Crane. He may be arrogant, dramatic, and snobby, but who doesn’t have their flaws? I think the protagonist in Fraiser has the potential to be aperfect roommate; let me convince you why.

In ‘The Great Crane Robbery’, Frasier meets with his new boss, a young tech geek who has recently become a billionaire. Frasier learns that Todd has become rich so quickly that he now finds himself in high society with no idea how to dress, behave or hold conversation. Frasier, who is flattered by Todd’s compliments to his taste and apartment, instantly offers to become his mentor. The result? Todd completely replicates Frasier’s clothes, car, and apartment (to Frasier’s disguised horror!)

This episode shows that Frasier has exquisite taste, and isn’t afraid to spread his expertise. We could all do with a little fashion advice, so what would be better than living with a fashion connoisseur to offer us advice when we need it most.

Furthermore, Frasier ensures that his abode boasts style, luxury and class. He’ll turn that drab-looking kitchen into an extravagant and tasteful retreat that you’ll be dying to show off to your friends.

In another episode, ‘Enemy at the Gate’,Frasier drives his BMW into a car park, only to realise that his show starts in fifteen minutes and he needs to leave. He promptly drives to the exit, and explains the situation to the attendant. He may not have parked his car, however the attendant still demands that he pays $2, the standard charge for a stay up to twenty minutes. He, of course, objects, and decides to stay and get his money’s worth, sitting in his car which is blocking the exit to all other motorists. Eventually, 20 minutes passes and Frasier pays $2. However, because he took time making a long speech he now owes $4.

Frasier never backs away from standing up for what he believes, even if that means causing a long traffic jam and receiving a boatload of abuse. If you ever find yourself in a standoff, you’ll know that Frasier will always have your back.

Also, Frasier is a huge fan of long, inspirational speeches. While many of these many be a little ill-timed, there’s nothing like a quotation from Dante to boost moral when revision is pulling you down.

Oh, and I’m sure that most of us wouldn’t mind swapping the bus with Frasier’s sleek BMW when travelling to Campus.

A final example is in ‘My Coffee with Niles’. The Crane brothers spend the entirety of this classic episode in conversation at Cafe Nervosa, and Niles opens up to Frasier about his true feelings for Daphne.

Whatever is on your mind, Frasier will always be there to have a chat over a well-brewed coffee. The psychiatrist understands that no problem is too small, and has a natural talent for offering advice. As he always says, ‘I’m Listening’.

Sandeep Purewal

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Sophia Burset

You’ve never seen Orange is the New Black you say? It’s like Breaking Bad (it is nothing like Breaking Bad) but with more jokes and less dude-angst. Also hard-hitting social commentary, all the ladies and a bizarre aversion to using the word bisexual. You should go watch it. All 26 episodes. Immediately. Right, now we’re all caught up, Sophia Burset. Seriously, if you don’t think this woman would be an awesome room-mate then the only explanation is that you weren’t paying attention. Since your confusion is clearly the result of marathon-related sleep deprivation (you go Glen Coco), I, the benevolent writer, will help you out.

My first submission consists of two words: bargain haircuts. We all have that one acquaintance who moonlights (cheaply) as an amateur hairdresser, and the results can vary from totally rad to a little unexpected. Like hysterical crying at three in the morning unexpected. So what if you could have the inexpensive haircut without taking the risk? What if your room-mate was the baddest prison hairdresser to ever draw fictional breath? To top it all off, Sophia is the kind of hairdresser who will know exactly what you mean when you draw weird air diagrams and make obscure allusions to a particular era in a particular celebrity’s fashion timeline. No more awkward encounters in the library as you collect that sidebar-of-shame article you only printed for the visual reference, honest.

Secondly, visitation. Love or hate the collection of neurotic weirdos you acquired at birth or somewhere along the way (hi guys), it is undeniable that family visits are a stressful experience. They’re particularly stressful if you happen to be a transgender woman serving a prison sentence, but Sophia handles all the crap that gets thrown at her with an immense amount of grace and poise. This makes her the perfect person to have around when your older relatives visit and are horrified by your life choices and/ or the state of your kitchen.

Speaking of the state of your kitchen, have you got that chore rota up and running yet? Of course you haven’t, don’t lie. You know what you need? You need Sophia Burset. After winning several battles against a dehumanising, discriminatory prison system (trans women are often sent to male prisons, where they face enormous amounts of violence and insecurity, and denied their right to correct medical care) Sophia sure isn’t going to have any problem making you get up and clean your dirty dishes. Savour any room-mate who does this, by the way, for they just became a valuable ally in that metaphorical game of food poisoning jenga you’re playing.

Helen Bates

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Christina Yang

Tequila, dance parties and snarky one-liners: what more could you wish for in a roommate? Unflinching and unapologetic, Cristina Yang is never afraid to be herself whether she’s dishing out harsh truths in abundance, constantly putting her career above her personal life or screwing over anyone and everyone for the best surgeries.

But below the snarky comments and ice-queen exterior is a raw vulnerability and an incredibly human kindness that frequently reveals itself to a chosen few. Her logical approach to life will shed light on your problems, offering different perspectives, helping to deliver a solution. She’ll also provide you with inspiration, ambition, and drive. Her late night study sessions will help you pass exams and her competitive nature will continually push you to strive for more. She’ll tell you to “have some fire”, to “be unstoppable, a force of nature” and push you to do the best you can without giving a damn what anyone else thinks.

You may need to handle her doomed relationships more times than you can count, cut her out of a wedding dress, or sedate her when she can’t stop crying once in a while but equally, she’ll lie with you on the bathroom floor or give you a dodgy haircut, offering solace and comfort if or when you need her to. Sure she may eat cereal out of the box or not be the world’s best chef – or not be able to cook at all – but her endless deadpan wit makes up for it. Instead of doing laundry, she buys new underwear, she doesn’t wash up, or vacuum but you’ll wake up to her dancing around the very kitchen that she doesn’t use.

Regardless, Cristina is so dedicated to her work that she is seldom around for mealtimes and only appears when her shift has ended and it is time to hit the bar and lament the day’s events. Warning to any men: if your partner is friends with Cristina, they may have sleepovers round your house, or even in your bed, with you in it, and you may be forced to listen to their in-depth DMCs all night. Of course she has her flaws, but she’ll always be “your person”, dance with you to Tegan and Sara, and drink with you until the early hours and will never judge you for your promiscuous ways or repeatedly poor relationship choices.

Eleanor Campbell

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Hannibal Lecter

While it’s not normally the case, living on a campus with thousands of people means that you may end up with a flatmate who just sucks, or at the very least, clashes with you a bit. Sometimes you’ll find someone who starts out fine, and then the horrific truth of their terrifying awfulness comes to light and then you’re not so sure about giving them your phone number or adding them on Facebook.

Despite being my favourite character from one of my favourite television shows, my pick for the worst possible roommate is the titular character from Bryan Fuller’s adaptation of Hannibal (as played by Mads Mikkelsen). Sure, he’s an intelligent, charming, peculiarly handsome doctor with a deep appreciation for many forms of art, and an excellent cook – there’s no getting past the fact that the guy eats people. So while he’d be a great person to depend on for study during your fairly laidback first year; knowing everything about everything and delighting in cooking you the occasional meal, there’s a line to be drawn at this guy butchering your friends like he’s preparing for a farmer’s market should he get tired of them, or when they frown upon/discover his secret past times – such as creating fine art of the corpses of his enemies.

Also not the kind of person to tolerate any kind of rudeness or mistakes, getting drunk around him would be a careful, tense affair, especially considering that any misstep may lead to his gutting you with a hunter’s knife, then serving your liver up with fava beans and a chianti (I might be mixing references a little there).  Having to tread lightly around someone you’re living in close proximity to, especially when it’s a famous fictional serial killer, is never fun. Not only is he an almost completely discompassionate murderer, but he’s also a master manipulator who could probably convince any one of your new friends or even you that you’re crazy with his weird magic psychiatrist powers.

So, avoid at all costs. Maybe say ‘hi’ in the hallway so he doesn’t find you inconsiderate; lock your door at night and DO NOT EAT HIS FOOD.

Kambole Campbell

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Jack Bauer

My choice of a bad roommate is 24’s sexily voiced government agent and one-man murder machine Jack Bauer, the hardest man in existence. Initially brooding in the corner, making conversation would be tricky due to his two vocal settings being a husky whispering incomprehensible to all around him and angry shouting in your face, and if you’re at the latter stage, it’s pretty much game over for you. Immediately distrustful of anyone, expect to find him sizing you up, figuring out whether you are worth his time or whether he should bother with you in the slightest. Admittedly an effective approach, although not one likely to make him the most popular person on your floor.

Bauer, not a stupid man considering his degree in English Literature, is a cold-blooded pragmatist, likely to solve any problems he comes across ruthlessly and efficiently. That annoying fresher, always partying until the morning hours and keeping up everyone on his floor – don’t be shocked when he’s found tortured horribly, his throat cut and a look of fear in his tear-stained eyes. And if you can’t be bothered to do the washing up, and contemplate nicking one of Jack’s porcelain ramekins, you’re taking your life into your own hands. Most people around him end up injured or dead, neither of which is an ideal situation for fresher’s weekend. He is afraid of nothing – if he came up against one of the campus’ many evil racist swans, he’d punch it in the face.

Bauer would be a proficient student – he is single-minded towards getting a job done and he has a proven ability to pull all-nighters when required – but a scary one, wandering around spouting ‘dammit’s like a cursing factory and distrusting everybody he encounters. If you choose to become his friend, you want to be sure that you don’t betray him, or the best case scenario is you’ll be eating through a straw and toileting in a nappy for the rest of your life. Really, if you’re staying in a hall with Jack Bauer, I’d be on the fresher’s page, looking for a room swap as quickly as possible.

Reece Goodall

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Rustin Cohle

Not long after we meet True Detective’s Rustin Cohle (Matthew McConaughey), he’s giving fellow cop Marty Hart (Woody Harrelson) an introduction to his pessimist philosophy. When asked to explain his abrasive ideology, Cohle quips that it means he’s “bad at parties”. What follows is eight hours of nihilism, brawling, and musing about the nature of time and death. All of this makes for compelling television. But can you imagine living with the guy?

Picture the scene; you’ve just arrived at university, billed as the most exciting chapter of your life, and moved into your shiny new room in halls (shininess and newness not guaranteed). You unpack a few boxes before heading to the promised land that is your accommodation’s kitchen only to be confronted with Rustin Cohle, who would doubtless be overriding standard freshers smalltalk by explaining to everyone how “time is a flat circle”.

Okay, you think, it can’t be as bad as it seems. At least he’s not going to be forgettable, and his tattoos are kind of cool. He’ll definitely have some stories to tell. And besides, all university flats are meant to have one oddball, right? It’s part of the texture. It adds to the experience.

Sadly your fears are confirmed when you go out for drinks and he spends most of the night talking about the futility of existence, and not in a fun way. Also you think he might be insulting you but you’re not quite sure enough to call him on it.

It only gets worse as the year goes on. You never see him cook or clean, and it’s probably not best to think about the smell coming from his room. Not to mention the fact that he keeps leaving grisly case files lying around in communal areas (no, we don’t know why a homicide detective in his thirties would be living in university halls either but, err, that’s the joke).

Pretty soon you stop brining people round in case Cohle draws them into a conversation about why religion is a hangover from our simian ancestors, or starts cutting up beer cans to make tiny figurines again. Eventually you lose all taste for intellectual conversation and start to wonder why this cohabitation thing was hyped up so much in the first place.

But at least when food starts disappearing from the fridge you’ll know who to call to chase it down.

Charlie Roberson