This isn’t beyond: How to never leave campus again

It is easy to be distracted by the bright lights of Coventry, the bustling streets of Leamington, or even the Mecca-like qualities of Earlsdon; however, it’s also important to remember the many things you can get up to on Warwick’s campus.

After all, despite the staff ’s best efforts to relocate half the student body to Coventry city centre, we remain a campus university. So, here’s a breakdown of on-campus activities to help you more effectively procrastinate your work.

Firstly, there are several important cafes on campus. We’ve got a rather unique Pret, in that it is the only one nationwide that doesn’t feature the company’s widely beloved student deal. Alternatively, why not check out Curiositea, which, while impossible to spell and annoyingly nicknamed ‘Curio’, is a great spot for coffee and cake. For a more challenging experience, try out the FAB’s Caffè Nero, a place staffed predominantly by people on their villain arc, seemingly taking inspiration from the emperor himself.

Perhaps you would like to build your own takeaway crumble at the Red Rocket café van for some reason. If you do, you’ll likely be the first, so feel free to write in and tell us what it was actually like

The Student Cinema is an absolute gem. Thoroughly underutilised by most, its society somehow screens a film there every day (raising question marks over their wellbeing), so there’s always something for everyone.

Why not take a trip to Panda Mami? After its opening saw more buildup than an Avengers movie and approximately years of delays, it has finally opened, allowing you to eat as much delicious Chinese food as your heart desires, taking advantage of a fast-food option that so many Warwick students never had.

If in doubt, there’s always the Dirty Duck, the Students’ Union pub. The vibes are tremendous, as long as you don’t accidentally end up trapped in the immensely intense, but beloved, five-hour pub quiz or stuck as a witness to the questionable Wednesday night karaoke.

Have you considered visiting the Food Station? While the vibes are limited and the food isn’t great, it’s certainly a place on campus which serves food. Alternatively, you could buy a potato thing from the jacket potato van that appears to be open for only two hours a week at a totally undisclosed, randomly rotated time. Perhaps you would like to build your own takeaway crumble at the Red Rocket café van for some reason. If you do, you’ll likely be the first, so feel free to write in and tell us what it was actually like.

Notably, the collaborative floor offers you the unique opportunity to get absolutely no work done, as you chat to friends about the bastard who’s taking up a whole booth to himself

Fusion is the spot to watch sports’ biggest fixtures. With a crazy queue system and bafflingly adjacent esports area, this is the perfect place to eat, drink, and watch people partake in sports, both electronic and normal. Alternatively, there’s T-Bar, an iconic balcony bar; it’s always a great place to grab a drink or dangle a fresher from your sports club, allegedly.

There’s always something going on at the Piazza, from us losing the University Challenge final to Cambridge (luckily, we’ve moved on) to 24-hour salsa demonstrations, Wednesday food markets, and all manner of stalls, fundraising spectacles, and general student activity.

The library also offers a variety of options, from the highly oppressive atmosphere of the extension (perfect for ‘locking in’) to the downstairs café and its quality breakfast. Notably, the collaborative floor offers you the unique opportunity to get absolutely no work done, as you chat to friends about the bastard who’s taking up a whole booth to himself.

The highlight of any Warwick student’s campus experience should always be a weekly pilgrimage to POP! alongside a bi-termly visit to Skool Dayz

The sports hub offers several options, with a world-class climbing wall, great swimming pool, modern gym, and even a sauna – where the region’s least wise old men gather to offer you unsolicited advice. Not to mention the steam room, which is seemingly always broken, ensuring it remains a damp, cold room almost all of the time.

Of course, the highlight of any Warwick student’s campus experience should always be a weekly pilgrimage to POP! alongside a bi-termly visit to Skool Dayz. These events are a must, should always be preceded by a hardcore Circle, and often see some of the highest highs and lowest lows Warwick has to offer.

With these activities in your back pocket and plenty more to be discovered, there’s no doubt you’ll have an optimal campus experience. Better still, you may even end up writing an article like this one day, recounting a whole new list of stupid things to do for the next generation of freshers.