Admitting to my insecurities

Nobody likes to admit to their insecurities, but they can affect our lives in countless ways. Insecurities relate to who we are, how we look, our choices and preferences in life – almost anything. They have an impact on our confidence, self-esteem, motivation, ambition, academic and professional prospects and so much more.

In my case, the things I am working on, the battles I am still fighting and the personal myths I am still busting are just as much a part of my journey as the battles won, the days enjoyed and the habits cherished. The first step to overcoming insecurities is being able to admit to them and talk about them, so I want to openly share my own self-doubts and I hope to encourage you to do the same.

There are many strands to insecurity, and everyone is different. Sometimes insecurities are barely there, just a faint presence. Other times, insecurities can have a serious impact on the way you live your life.

I like the person I am, but sometimes I can’t help imagining that if things had turned out differently, it would have been just a little easier

You may be insecure about skills that you have yet to develop, or your incompetence at seemingly simple tasks. Unlike most other university students, I couldn’t learn how to cook over the three years that I have spent at university. I tried to make rice but they it always came out as a single blob. My chick peas failed numerous times. My chapatis were beginning to get a circular shape but I would always burn them and they would be so thick. Every year of university I began with the resolution to work on my cooking skills but I let the failures put me off. I hope to try yet again but I can’t help but feel like I failed to develop one of the key skills at university. So, if you also feel that you are struggling with cooking, know that you are not alone. We will have to embrace our shoddy cooking skills together (and maybe take a cooking class or two).

For many people, it’s appearance that makes them insecure. Or perhaps you find it difficult to identify with social expectations of femininity or masculinity. I take pride in being a developing feminist but I feel left behind when it comes to femininity. When I was younger, I absolutely loved make-up. My mascara was better than my mum’s and I loved henna. But as I grew up, I couldn’t hold on to that interest and now the desire is gone. I don’t regret that I can’t do make-up. I just regret not knowing who I could have been had I held onto the interest. To me, make-up is a form of art that is expressive and powerful. Sometimes I can’t help noticing the little to none effort that I put into looking decent. There is a fear that I am not seen as carefree but just lazy. I don’t want anything to change. I like the person I am, but sometimes I can’t help imagining that if things had turned out differently, it would have been just a little easier. Nevertheless, it is what it is and I feel like a lot of it is just in my head. After speaking to friends, I’ve realised how little other people even think about my insecurities – I overthink tiny issues that go unnoticed by my friends.

I am not alone in feeling uncomfortable about discussing certain insecurities

Social expectation extends to personality. Does the voice inside your head criticise you for being too quiet? Or too loud? As an introvert, I sometimes feel awkward being myself around other people. On top of that, I don’t feel 21. I don’t feel old enough to be doing the degree that I am doing. Imagine going to interviews when there is a voice in your head constantly shouting that you don’t deserve to be there and that you are just a little kid. I feel like an imposter rather than somebody who belongs. This may be confidence related but it certainly stems from the feeling that I am not ‘normal’ enough.

Comparing yourself to people, and feeling as though you don’t belong, is very common – particularly at university, and particularly when it comes to grades and intelligence. But it’s important to break out of the cycle of competing with other people. I don’t compare myself to others when it comes to grades. Some of my friends tend to get similar grades to mine and others are straight first-class students. I like this because I can ask them for help, but admittedly I don’t always feel content with what I have. I love chemistry. I wouldn’t stop doing science just because I’m not great at exams. I enjoy labs, reading papers, thinking about problems and look forward to working in a research group but grade-wise I would never have the pride of being the ‘bright’ student. I know there is a lot being said about how your grades or degree classification don’t define who you are or what you are capable of but I wanted a good grade for myself. I am trying to make peace with this.

After speaking to my friends, I have learnt that I am not alone in feeling uncomfortable about discussing certain insecurities. Many of my friends also struggle with self-doubt. So, if you think you are all alone in having insecurities – stop! Because you are definitely not alone.