After the failure to pass her Brexit deal again, Theresa May announced another meaningful vote, this time throwing in the promise of a ‘Boris Johnson’s hair-themed after-party’ if MPs back her. Mrs May, a chained spirit doomed to wander the Earth forever as punishment for her greed, said: “It has always been my intention as Prime Minister to leave. Please, please let me leave,” she begged, hearing nothing but echoes in an empty soul. She has also floated plans on a rerun of the 2016 Tory leadership vote. When reminded by advisors that she was, in fact, the only candidate, she grinned: “Losing a no-lose situation with only one option on the table – count me in.” The brief burst of hope caused Mrs. May to malfunction – aides reset her with images of Geoffrey Boycott and a wheat field.
Jeremy Corbyn, choosing his party’s Brexit policy that day with a paper fortune teller, attacked Mrs. May, saying: “At least Labour are clear on our policy. We want to Remain yet Leave, be in and out of a customs union, have no free movement apart from all the free movement, and we want to have all the benefits of every option with no negative side-effects.”
Well, obviously, we’re going to treat this vote the same way we did the Brexit vote, and the Independence vote. Ignore it
All four alternative Brexit proposals were turned down in a series of indicative votes. After his soft Brexit approach was rejected, former Conservative minister Nick Boles said: “It’s just not right that my party chose to stick to their manifesto promises, promises to the country and the result of the 2016 referendum and reject what I want. How can I work with people like that? They’re just like the morons in my local constituency who want to de-select me for ignoring them – is this democracy?” He then ruffled his blank sheets of paper angrily, slammed them on the table and threatened to hold his breath until he got his soft Brexit.
An SNP amendment to revoke Article 50 was also defeated. Parliamentary leader Ian Blackford said: “Well, obviously, we’re going to treat this vote the same way we did the Brexit vote, and the Independence vote. Ignore it.” Then, suddenly, Blackford covered his face with blue paint and declared war on the English. Turning around to see his fellow SNP’s running into the distance, he quickly surrendered.
Unelected politicians seeking to impose their own will on their people despite popular opinion – and they want to leave the EU? Do they not realise that they’d fit right in here?
There was also reaction to the indicative votes in Brussels. Jean-Claude Juncker, speaking to British journalists, asked for another large brandy. Upon being told that this wasn’t the bar, he grumbled incoherently and went to grope the female boom-mic operator, before heading outside the European Parliament, picking a fight with a number of ambassadors for looking at him funny and falling asleep in a bush. His aides later denied reports of his alcoholism.
French President Emmanuel Macron criticised the Prime Minister’s handling of Brexit rebels, suggesting that she take a leaf out of his book. “If older people want to protest you doing what you want, why not just send in the police to beat them up? Sure, it hasn’t worked in France yet. But, you know what they say, when something doesn’t work the first 21 times, you have to try and try again”. He then spent the rest of the day staring at himself in a mirror, singing along to La Marseillaise, but replacing every word with ‘Macron’.
Donald Tusk, stroking a white cat and laughing manically, said: “Unelected politicians seeking to impose their own will on their people despite popular opinion – and they want to leave the EU? Do they not realise that they’d fit right in here?” When told by reporters that that would contravene the whole point of Brexit, Tusk chuckled: “Brexit – yeah, like that’s going to happen”.
So, another typical week in the Brexit saga.
(The following is a piece of satire)