Boarsity Clockwatch Day 4

With my Boyz II Men shades on I sing… “IT’s THE END OF THE ROAAAAD” Varsity 2016, the most heart-stopping series in years, is now entering it’s final day. I’m on my 23rd cup off coffee and 9.5th Panini. Amazing. Today we bring you updates from Water Polo, Lacrosse, Men’s Football and of COURSE. The big Ricoh Finale.

10:34: Up bright and early to watch the Water Polo with perhaps the prettiest member of The Boar Exec, Cameron Clark. A pretty man watching a pretty sport, let’s hope those Warwick hunks get the job done. 

11:01: POW, POW. I can smell the chlorine I can smell the blood, Warwick have walked away with the Varsity Water Polo crown. Those folks never had a chance, their dreams of victory sunk faster than I my grade average since I became Sport Editor. 

11:45: Grabbed my customary Panini (pretentious, Arts Centre food loving prick) and headed right out to the Men’s Football, considering the fact we walloped them 6-1 on Wednesday, I’m fairly confident we can beat them and stitch up the Varsity title. News from Lacrosse also, they’ve seen Coventry off in the mixed spectacle out on Cryfield. 

12:01: Flipping heck this is one bad tempered game of Football. Flashbacks to playground fights at Primary School… You can see, hear and feel the venom from both sets of fans, Warwick are after blood. Chant game and chat is strong. “We pay your benefits!!” Boom the Warwick fans. We may support them in the future but things aren’t going amazingly well on the pitch 1-0 down courtesy of a Cov penalty.  

12:46: AHHHH. From bad to worse, another penalty, another Cov goal. With around 20 minutes to go it looks like a massive uphill struggle. Cov’s winger who stands at about 4ft 3 inches is having the game of life, jinking and dummying left right and centre. The polytechnic answer to Messi. 

12:48: At this point poly Messi as I’ve chosen to dub him, is flat out taking the piss. The sort of skill you throw your hat on the floor and stomp all over in utter disbelief about, the sort of verve you elbow drop your said imaginary hat on the floor and trample in the dust. He just stopped and put his foot on the ball, stood up his defender and ran past in the most insolent move I have ever, ever seen. Warwick reserves on the sideline howl. “Bang him, bang him, how can man come and step on the ball on our home pitch?” That, my friends is a direct quote. 

12:54: Is this a Football game or WWE Raw? The smack talk is immense, Cov player steps onto the byline to take a throw in, Warwick’s 4th team striker tells him “you know you’re scared, take the fucking throw in” wild tackles flying in left, right and centre, the threat of a confrontation boiling over with every awful challenge.

12:56: There goes the final whistle and with that a FIGHT. I repeat F-I-G-H-T. Masses and masses are flying onto the pitch, there’s been a pitch invasion a fight. Ridiculous. A huge scuffle breaks out, lots of macho gesturing and throat grabbing. If you ever wanted proof Varsity isn’t a joke, that it means the world, there it is. Passion spilling over.

14:30: Friends. Family. Fellow Spartans, with great joy and relief I can tell you it’s OVER. Warwick for the 26th straight year have won Varsity. We’ve haven’t quite smashed the poly with the emphatic one sidedness of previous years but PHEW. We got there in the end. Here it is officially.

14:37: I don’t even know. I’ve run out of words to describe this weekend, it’s been frantic. They said it would be closer but I in no way anticipated it to be like this. What a mighty close shave, I mean on a scale of 1 to standing in front of virgin train as it’s about to leave Coventry station this was pretty close to a fatality. 

14:38: Imagine being a Cov student right now? How must it feel to lose 26 times in a row? To have losing permanently ingrained in your culture? One team, one dream? HAHAHAHAHAHA. BAH. I think they need to wallow in the generic sounds of this random sad song about being a loser with a cool animated video. 

15:00: All we need to top things off now? A terminal blow. We need to polish off the poly at the Ricoh Arena. Myself and the esteemed, top legend of a Deputy Sport Editor James Roberts hopped on a the special chartered Warwick buses across to the Ricoh Arena. It’s a pretty nice modern stadium to be fair. 

15:24: Mate, there’s nothing like strolling into an actual press box and being an actual journalist rather than trudging on the muddy mass of grass and soil that is Cryfield. This is the life. Oh and guess we’ve also been treated to our special dosage of minor celebrity in the flesh. Austin Healy is here! Yes the former England star who was also pretty saucy on strictly come dancing. If you’re into the slightly square muscular type you’re missing out on de eye candy.

15:39: We’ve also got pie. Thought you ought to know. Pie and the presence of esteemed Sports Journalists. Be jealous, in fact fall down and bang your head in envy. 

15:40: *Wow, shade throwing alert* One of the ex-rugby pros/journalists turns around asks dear Austin if he’s interested in watching the Varsity fixture after Wasps-Harlequins. Without hesitation he turns around and answers “No, I’d rather barbecue my testicles.” Be right back, I need to go and recover from that one. 

17:51: ALRIGHTY. Following the rather lengthy interval called an actual Professional Rugby game we are back live with the Clockwatch and final encounter, this my friends, is a truly historic moment. The feted Rugby Finale is underway!!!

Oh and if you’re wondering what happened in the Wasps game look no further than this please. That is all.

17:52: Analysis from the man with the the plan James Roberts: “I’ve noticed their rainbow coloured kit.” He’s a nice guy, I just think that’s another Cov fashion faux pas. Poor, poor can’t dress and can’t win. Damn.

17:56: What a pleasant surprise. The atmosphere is amazing here way louder than the rather hallow Wasps game, Cov are a noisy, noisy, bunch on the other side of the Ricoh. 

18:00: Coventry are currently 3-0 up courtesy of an early penalty. They’ve also had the bulk of the possession, and are working the ball pretty well. See I can be complimentary. Getting soft in my old age. Yes covering Varsity has added a good 24.45 years to my life. 

18:08: TRY, TRY, TRY. Matt Hall, over the try line on the far side and Warwick take the lead, whilst Uptown Funk blares. Don’t believe us just watch! 

18:12: EWWW. Coventry with a Try off some slick ball movement again, I swear that was a forward pass there though… Nevermind. They’re successful off the conversion to pile on the pressure and move into a 10-5 lead. 

18:24: To tell you the truth we’re getting worked over quite thoroughly. Cov absolutely running us over, their number 13 just about prevented from bombing through and extending their lead.

18:28: Half-Time. 10-5 Coventry. We gotta win this surely? Not securing the closing victory would be like having a cake with no icing. A bit of an anti-climax. 

The Warwick Devils everyone’s favourite cheerleading squa have take to the pitch for a spectacular routine that involves a degree of movement and flexing I haven’t mustered since 2012. Dem Pyramids though.

18:40: Second Half. Let’s do this boys hit the Poly with the parting shot. Apparently they’re having a post Varsity party in “Empire” Club on Far Gosford Street. There should be no reason for said party. Stop that, stop them. Warwick chants break out now the firs time our lot have been this vocal. 

18:43: TRY. Warwick level it behind some useful work off a line-out. 10-10. Yes. 

18:49: Dratzzz. Cov back into the lead, the second try for their number 8 Dan Martin. Cov fail to convert though, the Warwick contingent in the stand next to the kicker make their presence known and he sends a lacklustre effort way, way wide of the post. 

18:52: Varsity is bloody violent though. There’s a massive scuffle on the other side of the stands leading to a struggling fan being ejected… Things are being thrown… A message on the PA system reminding students of both Universities to behave responsibly, it’s all kicking off.

18:57: Not sure whether I should be watching the Royal Rumble in the stands or the Rugby. James Roberts tells me “I haven’t seen that many stewards in the stands since Millwall played Oxford.” Yes he supports Oxford, glad we cleared that one up. 

19:00: What a game, back and forth, rocking more than a rickety boat. 15-15. Warwick try, then a conversion to lift us into the lead. 17-15. Go Warwick. 

19:13: Another momentum swing, Cov with a try. But the conversion attempt was simply comical, more like a football penalty… Oh and my aspirations to become the second successful pitch invader of the day have been undercut man on the PA system says anyone who storms the green will be prosecuted… 

19:20: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DRAMA IS? I REPEAT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT DRAMA IS? Varsity 2016. Warwick have won Varsity with a last minute try. Run to the hills tell your mother, tell your sister, tell your father. THIS IS AMAZING. We’ve pipped Cov right at the death, amazing my voice is hoarse, my palms are sweaty. 

19:21: I legitimately have no words. Can’t deal. 

19:22: My bladder may have exploded in joy. The Varsity trophy is about to be presented to Warwick. This has honestly been the most thrilling series possible, more intense than it’s ever been closer we could have ever imagined. I’ll be back with some closing remarks once I’ve calmed down… 

20:07: Back on campus in the confines of the learning grid. Fingers, toes and other bodily parts jolting with the cold. Still trying to process what just happened. Varsity has been for better want of a word thrilling from start to finish. Without sounding overly cliche and over the top, it has been truly a pleasure to cover alongside James, Oscar, Sam and everyone else who has helped out. 

20:08: This is not the time to get all emotional and soppy… Let’s do some very speedy recapping. This year’s final Varsity score: Warwick 40 Coventry 30. Respect where it’s due, this has been an amazing sporting contest with some moments of brilliance from both sides. They gave us a run for our money and then some.

Also, amongst all the debate about the event’s relevance, it’s pretty clear that for those involved and their close friends winning this and proving our sporting excellence was truly the be all end all for a four day period. The passion on show was simply ridiculous. Don’t say Warwick doesn’t care about Sport mate.

20:26: The result says it all. Tested but never toppled. Warwick still rule the roost in Coventry. Better luck next time Magneta Army. It’s a wrap, hope you’ve enjoyed this years clockwatch. Boar Sport over and out. 


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