Boarsity Clockwatch: Day 3

DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM. Back again, (again) for day 3, it’s the Varsity Clockwatch. Love it, like it live it. The competition hots up today mightily, it’s a super Saturday with everything to play for. Fencing, Frisbee, Tennis and Hockey are all on the menu.

14:20: Super Saturday. Two words synonymous with panty wetting excellence in Sport, you know it’s going down when you’re guaranteed moments of greatness everywhere. This is our own Varsity equivalent to this… 




14:31: Before I head out into the field a quick round up of what the hell has happened in the last 12 hours… Coventry are still in the lead, somehow, someway. A trip to the Sports Officer’s office this morning saw A-Rob assure me Warwick would still walk away with the win. I’ve never seen the man looked so stressed though… It’s going right to the wire this.

Warwick Motorsport, couldn’t quite beat Coventry yesterday, eventually falling to a 5-1 defeat. It’s not easy to beat a team full of full time taxi drivers… OOOOH SALTY. Okay in all seriousness our opponents boasted a number of team members on automobile engineering courses who simply live and breath cars. Too much to keep pace with sadly.

In more upbeat news, we did slay in the Volleyball that took place in the Desso Hall yesterday, coasting to two victories, in both women’s and men’s action.

As well as appreciating Warwick’s stunning play I love, love their kit, the black and white fade matrix thing they have going on makes Coventry’s faded, washed out Magenta primary school P.E. kit look extra awful. If only Varsity did style points cos we swaggy.

14:42: We’ve got Oscar Mayhew down at The Place watching the Women’s Football, be prepared for some cheeky updates, meanwhile I’m about to wander out to the wilderness of Westwood to whet my appetite with some Sport I have never ever, watched before. Yes that’s right Ultimate Frisbee, right here on the clockwatch.

14:46: Since my days as a slim child in the playground I’ve never been enamoured by the prospect of having to send objects whizzing through the air at high speed using my own bodily force, today I confront some old demons and bring a ton of dusty frisbee skeletons out of the closet. Drama, oh the drama.

15:14: This is the best thing ever, I jumped through the bushes, onto the Varsity pitches, into the most amazing spectacle ever, fribees flying here, there everywhere. Warwick winning too and as I anticipated I’ve not a flying monkey’s as to what is going on.

As a half decent sports writer I’ve got to to do some analysis. What does the physique of a frisbeeist look like… Depends, there of all shapes and sizes, some burly, some wiry, some thin. >> Really clutching at straws here.

15:22: In the meanwhile WARWICK WIN. They send the frisbee into the n-zone one final time, to bring my Frisbee Odyssey of enjoyment and bewilderment to a happy end! 14-6 Warwick the final score. Coventry were always destined to lose with that team name The Coventry “Firebirds” L-A-M-E. Nothing beats that winning feeling. Great effort Frisbee.

15:35: This get’s more and more fun by the minute, match MVP Adam Carver walks away with a miniature replica of a car… What a reward. The atmosphere surrounding the frisbee is also absolutely brilliant, no hard feeling at the end as the teams join for a joint huddle

15:37: Whisperings on the sidelines tell you a lot about the overall mood surrounding the competition. for Cov it’s one of alarming optimism, they can see the light at the end of a tunnel of endless defeat, embarrassment and humiliation- 25 years of taking L’s. Despite the Frisbee loss, one spectator says in earnest “We might actually win Varsity you know!” Another chimes in “Really we’re winning, wow!” Bless them, bless them, they don’t know about the impending Team Warwick storm that’s going to come their way.

…. Then again we promised that storm yesterday and it didn’t come. Weeing myself just a tad.

15.42: Results just in for Women’s Rugby Union, who managed to sneak a 20-15 win, in one of the hardest-fought defensive efforts of their season so far. Cov spent most of the last 10 minutes on Warwick’s line, but a last-second fumble from Coventry’s number 3, led to a confused, if jubilant, final result.

WOWOW. Results flying in from left right and centre things are happening at a faster rate than I can actually handle but here goes. We’ve seen the best and the worst of our teams at The Place. Some truly heartstopping stuff- I did tell you today was a panty wetter.

16:05: On a scale of lukewarm to hot the Golf Team are hotty, hotty, hotty. Following their double promotion on Wednesday there was no way they weren’t going to club Coventry to death (HA). They got the WIN. 

WE said Super Saturday would be crazy but wait for this one, sorry for my language but the Women’s Football Team were on the receiving end of an absolute fuckery. Oscar Mayhew is still recovering, doing a Jeff Stelling over Facebook chat and friggin spamming me with messages.

16:15: Strap yourself in folks for a story of utter heartbreak for Women’s Football. Man. I can’t even deal.  So they surged into a 3-0 half time lead… 

Then it happened… Pain shock and awe. I’m going to insert Oscar Mayhew’s analysis in the order from whence it came for maximum dramatic effect. PAIN.

But then absolute scenes
They score 4 in the second half
Their number 11 was outrageous
Scored 2 bangers
Assisted another
And then with 5 mins to go
Their number 9 scored a 30 yard free kick
And they held out
I’ve never seen a game like it
Not really any fault of Warwick as well

16:24: Coventry are scoring “bangers”, did you hear that friggin bangers. This could be the year we actually lose… Like what on earth is going on. 

16:48: Okay yeah, I’ve caught my breath and had a Toblerone. Bumped into A-Rob the sports officer who looks like he’s been through 7 natural disasters, moved mountains and walked through fire. This Varsity series has been wild to say the least. He stops to let me know “This has been the most stressful weekend of my life.”



16:57: We can officially reveal Warwick ARE WINNING VARSITY. GO WARWICK, GO WARWICK. The slenderest of leads 26-24.

17:21: Still recovering here at the Tennis Centre. Nothing lowers the heart rate like some fabulous baked goods, forked out a £1 without a qualm, I need all the dough formulated goodness I can get. 

17:24: In addition to the GOOD CAKE. I’m calmed by the fact Tennis over the years has been a Warwick safegaurd, we simply don’t lose to Coventry in the Tennis Centre. Both the men’s and women’s teams are underway starting with 4 doubles matches across 4 courts. Watch this space friends.

17:50: As a tennis fan and aficionado I think I’m in love… The men’s doubles tandems are coasting behind some very, very silky stuff that makes me want to dust off my old Pure Drive and get to work. Smith and Slater who I’ve coined double S because it sounds cool are whooping Coventry behind some amazing net play and one two punches. They don’t teach this sort of stuff in school.

18:00: Meanwhile the ladies team are embroiled in a bit of a struggle… Coventry are winning but one of Warwick’s doubles duos won’t move the on court scoreboard like everybody else does for mystery reasons that are causing a stir so I have no idea that in the blue hell is going on down there. 

18:03: Cov win the first doubles in the women’s fixture. Annoying. I’d like to take a minute to appreciate those woeful Coventry t-shirts that one of the men’s doubles players is wearing. “One team, one dream” Slogan Game: -117. Plus they’re seeing that “one dream” crushed into oblivion once again, watch what happens in the Field Hockey.

18:08: Poor, Poor Oscar. Down to the incompetency of his foolish sport editor slaps *forehead* he’s been misdirected and made late for the Hockey. His notes are as follows…  At least his battery life is on fleek. 


18:16: Coventry staring down the barrel in the Men’s Tennis though… The captain Will Spencer is injured and he reckons he could do a number on all four of the Coventry lot in singles on crutches, blindfolded. He’s a legend, ledge, top lad.

18:22: Shock, horror and Cov claps. They’re now 2-0 up in the women’s tennis, having nicked the second doubles too. Bah. Palpable discontent from the Warwick camp, they feel they shouldn’t have let that one slip, all to play for in the singles now. 

18:39: Sport buzz, love that, love that. Former Men’s Captain Andy Smith is asked by a club member “Andy, you watching the Rugby tomorrow?” He says “Yes.” without any hesitation. Hoping to see as many people at Ricoh tomorrow for the big finale as possible. That would be sweet.  

18:48: DING, DING, DUM, DUM, DUM. Cheeky update from the tall man with the plan, Deputy Sport Editor Oscar Mayhew down at the Women’s Hockey. Once again in a Facebook message format because I’m edgy… OK.

“It’s 2-0 Warwick

They’re bossing it, particularly Ellie Martin the captain.

Cov manged to air shot from a penalty corner which is impressive considering the ball was firmly on the floor. That’s the state of affairs

Also shout out the Men’s Team for their warm up Theme tune.  WORK, WORK, WORK.

Oscar approves: “Men’s are warming up to work by Rihanna which I rate extremely highly”

19:00: Damn Daniel! I had to throw that in this live blog or my conscience would have eaten me up and engulfed me. Warwick women’s tennis now have mathematically have no chance of winning their fixture as top seed Kasey falls 6-0, 6-0 admonishing herself she says it’s the worst tennis she’s ever played. 

19:14: Tennis of the finest quality in the men’s singles rubbers as Cov desperately seek to avoid the dreaded 12-0 defeat. One half of the double S winning pair Martin Slater is a set up and starting to dig in with some top quality stuff. He’s a very handy, solid baseliner. 

19:33: No unpleasant surprises at Women’s Hockey wise. One of the most consistent teams on campus this year they’ve once again proved their considerable mettle. Hereeeee’s Oscar Phil Mickelson voice

Utterly dominant Warwick win 7:0
Count 1 chance for Cov
Highlights included one of the goals being a chip over the keeper which I don’t understand how that’d possible
I’m literally freezing, not metaphorically or figuratively, literally.

19:43: Ridiculous. #Youknowyourecoastingwhen your club members start pulling out Whiskey on the balcony and making plans to start making a beeline for Varsity to have drinks. Men’s Tennis we salute you, you deserve it. 8-0 up they’ve courtesy of 2 singles wins, they’ve buried Cov, leaving it mathematically impossible for them to come back. 

19:57: I think it’s time to leave the cushty confines of the tennis centre, and get off my arse. Though it’s been mighty fun and rather tranquil, there is more Sport to take in elsewhere. Time to head out into the freezing cold to watch some Men’s Hockey action. The inner club banter at Hockey is immense, they’ll look to get one up on the ladies team and absolutely smash Cov by an even heftier scoreline I’m sure.

Want an example of said “inner club banter” here it is the Women’s Hockey teams’ Varsity 2016 prediction in The Boar:

I predict that Kirsty will score a hat trick all on her reverse, a rogue men’s hockey player will storm the field in a wig wanting to be part of the better 1st XI, and Rachel will be sent off.

Very many LOL’s.

20:00: Do you wanna know, what dedication to student sports journalism looks like? Not me. I’m too worried about the swags. Meet Tim. Tim works hard recording vlogs even on his day off, Tim is the head of RaW Sport, Tim’s Varsity coverage is pretty on point. Be like Tim. 


20:21: Men’s Hockey meanwhile are wasting no time, absolutely ripping into Cov with mazy dribbles and slick passing moves, stylish and brilliantly effective, they’ve been a joy to watch so far. This verve is kinda like the stuff Thierry Henry used to pull in his pomp, super-duper effortless. 11 Thierry Henry’s with sticks. Nobody does it better. 

20:23: This is the sort of performance, and sort of day that makes you feel warm and cosy inside, Warwick on top like we should be now, slowly but surely taking over Varsity. Although Oscar Mayhew looks cold, he’s actually basking in the flames as Coventry’s Varsity dreams go up in smoke. POOOOOF! 

21:56: Sorry for the absence, stuff happens and I wanted a panini. But I’m back now with a vengeance and bearing gifts in the form of some superb #TeamWarwick results. First Oscar’s final update from the Hockey, thankfully he didn’t die of frostbite after back to back Hockey fixtures. Man oh man. 

So full time 8-1. Warwick were rampant while Coventry scored the ultimate consolation goal. Reports that one of the Warwick players told some of the fans it was a ‘Farcity’, frustrated that I hadn’t thought of that in my notes. Unbelievably one sided at points
Also it was fucking cold
Someone had a blanket and I should’ve thought of that

21:58: The Hockey Clubs have come up with some very, very cool terminology for what we normally call smashing the poly… They prefer to use the term “shoe” I personally think that’s a lot more effective, the imagery implies a sort of gentle swatting away of a pesky fly or something. 8-1 and 7-0. BOOM. 

22:10: I think it’s time to start wrapping things up. Phew. I’m smiling widely, grinning ear to ear, braces on show because order has at least been restored. We’ve had controversy, drama, tears (yes tears) and above all jubilation. I’m a man who likes symmetry. We started the day with A-Rob let’s end it with his declaration on the score. 

33-27. YEEEEES folks you heard the man. Warwick lead heading into the final day.


Final Round Up

The day opened with the rather ominous sounding Park Run. Warwick Athletics proceeded to retain their crown, and set the tone for the comeback to end all comebacks.


Golf also did their best to stop the Poly in their tracks earlier on in the day:

Then came the wild, wild afternoon of results, the agonising Men’s Football loss, a thrashing in the Rugby League counterbalanced with wins in Women’s Basketball, Women’s Rugby Union, and Men’s Tennis.

And now of course the floodlight Hockey batterings. Tomorrow it’s time to finish the job. Over and out, goodbye and goodnight.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.