Boarsity Clockwatch – Day 1

WOO. Varsity is now underway. Keep up to date with our quest to #SmashThePoly for the 26th year running, beginning with the Ice Hockey opener here at the Sky Dome.

Final roundup:

Warwick man of the fixture: Jack Meadows absolutely bossed it. Was at the heart of the Warwick resurgence, which we we wish could have happened earlier on. 

Sort of reminded us of: The legendary miracle of ice that saw less favoured USA Olympic Hockey team, somehow overcome the might of the Soviet Union in the 1980 Winter Olympics. Cov had the might in the form of some top quality players, we had the heart but just came up short in the end.

19:23: After much delay we’re ready to get live blogging here at the SkyDome. The day you’ve been waiting for since before you were conceived is here. The return of the legendary Luke Brown pioneered clockwatch brought to you by the Boar Sport team. Prepare to chuckle as we put the sword to our cross city enemy (hopefully) 

Pre-Match team news (sort of) 

Word on campus is Coventry go into this one heavy favourites, with GB calibre players amongst their ranks. Given we’re already 6-2 down in this new look Varsity series losing this, the official opener would ominous to say the least. Could Warwick actually lose the whole thing? It’ll be the worst day since they got rid of the £1 Sandwiches in Costcutter/RGS or the 2 for £2 in Bar Fusion. *Multiple sad faces and crying emojis*

19:44: The Warwick Mascot that bear thing- Bless him he just knocked a poor pint wielding civilians’, glasses off his head mid-weird cheer/dance, gyration thingy.

19:47: Varsity is the greatest sporting spectacle on campus…. BUT it feels a little lukewarm in here tonight and that’s not just on ice. Thoughts on the format changes making this a more lively spectator experience? Meh so far. Hopefully it hots up.

19:49: Most of the pre-match ‘entertainment’ coming from the guy on the PA system; if you want to imagine you’re here just think of every radio presenter, pilot, train driver etc. that you’ve ever heard. Voice smooth as silk but failing to avoid the odd Partridge moment – shouting “lets go!” at ever so slightly the wrong time in Uptown Funk being a particular highlight.

19:52: Speaking of which, Planet Ice persevering with Gangnam Style in the playlist is truly honourable; flogging that dead Korean horse until blood stains the ice red.

19:55: Lights are out here and looks like we’re just about read to Puck Off (expect plenty of those puns and if you ain’t down with that you can go puck yourself).

19:57: Slightly awkward rendition of God Save the Queen from the crowd as prompted by Partridge himself through what we’re assuming is a contractual/national obligation. Equally split in thirds of passionate bellowing, Beckham-esque half-heartedness and ‘doing a Corbyn’ and abstaining altogether.

20:00: AND WE’RE OFF!

20:02: Warwick in the lead. YESSSSSSSSS. Some very sick puck movement,  leads to a Warwick goal…..

Cov go up the other end and put one in right away though, right old ding dong dual this. Scored by Vincezo Ferrara, I have him on Faebook. Y u do this Vincenzo.

20:05: Damn. 2-1 down.

20:15: Warwick are getting their asses hand to them…. Like it’s 3-1- my head hurts. And Coventry have jumped into a rousing rendition of “We hate, Warwick, we hate Warwick” to boot. But they… *insert generic joke about how they’ll all work for us”

20:17 4-1 and it’s becoming a bit of a rout in the early stages. Rough game though, with some big shoves and hard shots flying around all over the place. Coventry’s Elephant mascot (I don’t get it either) is among the rowdier of spectators, geeing up the crowd and banging on the glass as Warwick skate past, begging for blood with a crazed look in his massive, passionless, permanently open eyes…. Mascot’s are scary when you think about it.

20:20 Well into the second half of this period and Coventry are already showboating, pulling out the no-look passes with the stick behind their back like they’re Andrea Pucking Pirlo….. Just made it 5-1.


20:28 Reliably informed by Deputy James Roberts that it was a Coventry player that “proper decked” a Warwick man (I was typing when it broke out), which is disappointing as turning this into a Gladiators style stick fight might stand us in better stead at 6-1 down.

20:30 I mean, who even likes Ice Hockey anyway? 7-1.

20:33 Quarter ends and the real event begins. That’s right …. THE MASCOT RACE.

20:34 Brutal scenes as the Warwick Bear is brutally beheaded by the Coventry Bear and Sting the Wasp before being bundled and assaulted. The presenter is doing little to halt this or retain control and this is a black day for Warwick, Ice Hockey and for Sport in general.

20:36 The Elephant takes the race with an embarrassing ease that has been a feature of Coventry’s display tonight. Proceeds to attack the Bear again – a recurring gag that I’m not sure the latter appreciates all too much. Since when were Elephants such cocky pricks? Go eat some Savannah and pick on someone your own size.

20:55: We’re back underway 7-1 down. Is there hope for Warwick in the form of a miracle on ice of sorts? NAH DON’T THINKS SO Cov, ripple the back of the net again and the scorer wheels away very, very nonchalantly, with the sort of smug look you’d pay to see whipped off.

21:15: Warwick fan behind us: “I’m going to have a heart attack, this is fucking killing me” she is speaking for us all. The pain is palpable, something like Ice Hockey induced birth pangs crossed over with indigestion married with constipation. Yuck.

21:17: We’re stuck here cheering, Warwick half chances. They scored again too, 12-1. Are you allowed to throw in the towel… I’m about to throw my coat onto the ice in an attempt to stop the bleeding. STOP DA BLEEDING 2K16.

21:19: My friend behind me: “We could start so many awesome chants about how they’re going to work for us.” When you can’t beat them mock them… But then again Varsity is life, forget your job in a consultancy firm.

21:20: YES. Warwick score. Fittingly the Zombie March blares around the arena as the decomposing, slobbering corpse of the Warwick Team reanimates to eat the brains of the Polytechnic folk. 12-2.

21:22: 12-3!!!!!!!!!! IT’S ON LIKE PUCKING DONKEY KONG

21:23: Jack Meadows you legend. A beautiful, calming name as well. Sounds like a smashing chap.

21:24: Cov can’t handle the heat of Warwick’s resurgent fire blazing skates melting the ice and resort to a shoving match. Toy’s being thrown out of the pram here big style.


21:29: Period ends on a slightly less intense note, as Warwick seek to add to their tally and Coventry try their best to stem the blood flow.

21:52: After a sorely needed break in which we needed to find our bearings, recharge our laptops and hold our collective #teamwarwick down but not out and optimistic beyond our intellectual capacity hats onto our heads we’re back. For the third and final period.

21:54: Cov like rubbing salt into wounds. They start eff  warwick chants with a degree of condifence that belies their 25 straight losses in this competition and their impending implosion in this year’s event. Dummies. They do however start period very, very quickly and put the puck in the net once more to move into a 14-4 lead.

22:05: Something semi-amusing just happened. Warwick on the counter narrowly miss, sending the puck into the glass behind the opponents net, and scaring the hell out of a UV Clad security guard, who jumps out of the way sort of like this… 



22:06: Warwick, are sort of buying into this miracle on ice business though… We’ve now scored a pair in quick succession. My inner DJ Khaled at this point is screaming… “ANOTHER ONE” the Warwick contingent are up on their feet and it’s pucking pandemonium (We’ll stop with that limp gag/pun soon, “drop it whilst it’s hot” and whatnot) 14 FRIGGIN 7. 

22:09: Warwick score again. That man Meadows, now holding a position in Warwick folklore akin to the power of Danny Welbeck’s status in life in general. “Dat Guy Welbz?” more like “Dat Guy Medz” He sweeps the puck home. he’s pretty cool isn’t he. Meadows for President tumblr_mz7ikoMugI1t0s0b1o1_1280

22:17: Eyes on the clock eyes, on the score, Warwick have well and truly got their backsides into gear and are closing the gap fast, some intense stuff. Questions though, lots of questions. Where was this fire when Warwick needed it? We’ve made it a very close game albeit a little too late. Cue the song. 

22:24: Finally a chant. “Let’s go Warwick, let’s go! It took our fans this long to summon up some gumption and gusto. DJ Khaled is now blasting through the speakers, speak of the devil mentioned at an earlier point in our live blog. “All I do is win, win, win no matter what!” Some dofus on the Warwick side of the Skydome is singing along… But we’re not winning. 

22:25: The game is now entering it’s final stages, the Cov supporters are helping things along with a little countdown, safe to say their lead is unassailable at this point. Time for a closing monologue methinks… Shakespeare style 

My heart is bleeding, my pores wet with agony laced perspiration. This is not the opener we hoped for nor needed. A bitter reminder of our complacency built up over the years. And that’s it the final buzzer. Coventry with the 14-9 win. Snatching back the vaunted Ice Hockey Trophy.

22:45: As the dust settles it’s become clear this year it’ll be a close one. Warwick are now 8-2 down in the series. You asked for a more competitive Varsity? You got it. Game on tomorrow as the competition kicks off proper, we’ve got all sorts of live blogged sporting goodies lined up for you. It’s a painful end to what turned out to be a pretty entertaining encounter. Syonara, peace and love folks.




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