Merry manipulation in Christmas adverts

Not being a fan of Christmas myself, I find that I get really annoyed whether the season rolls around and I have to deal with all the faff that comes with it. So many traditions, none of which I like – I could just about tolerate Christmas shopping, but carol singers, excessive decoration and the joy of spending an excessive amount of time in confined space with your family? I could happily miss the whole affair.

Unfortunately, mother television has joined the festivity – it was understandable enough to get Christmas themed shows at the holiday period, but a new televisual experience has entered the fray – the Christmas adverts.

Sure, it’s logical for businesses to focus their advertising on this peak time of the year, but whereas adverts of the past were dull, Generation Game affairs where products would be whizzed in front of your eyes like a baggage collection int from Hell, the game has changed. Nowadays, the adverts have bigger production values than a Hollywood film, and they are tawdry flicks designed to make you part with your money by tugging your heartstrings or stuffing celebrities into your face.

Outings from previous years have included John Lewis filling your screen with bears walking around to Lily Allen and a kid presenting his parents with a box like Kevin Spacey at the end of Se7en, Morrisons showing Ant and Dec having a dinner party somewhat reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland and (in a very early effort) Tesco making out that the Spice Girls shop there (although I suppose some of them probably do now).

So, what do we have this year?

(A special mention to the Iceland ad for this year, simply because it made me chuckle when I saw it – the premise is that an offer is so good, it blows Peter Andre’s mind. I’ll reiterate that – it blows Peter Andre’s mind – and that’s why mums go to Iceland.)

image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/johnjwelsh

M&S’ advert (#FollowTheFairies, because everything does that now) is a piece of rubbish in which a pair of fairies leave what I assume to be a fairy workplace and go out to do magic stuff – they turn a clock into a bra, save a cat from the roof of a twenty-storey building, change washing into glittery outfits, re-enact the plot of The Blue Umbrella with a woman’s hat and make it snow. I suppose it’s meant to Christmas joy and get you to feel a sense of wonder – if anything, I would want to enter M&S less than I do normally.

This year, John Lewis has gone for a heart-warming tale entitled ‘Monty the Penguin.’ It tells the story of a kid and his best friend, a penguin. They knock about together, as best friends do, and then after watching a romantic film, Monty starts to get lonely and yearn for love. In scenes typical of a downbeat romantic comedy, realising that he wants love, Monty starts to see couples everywhere. Eventually, his friend clocks on and gets him a lady penguin for Christmas. Then – shock cute twist – they turn out to be toys, in the kid’s mind. All lovely and adorable, but there is a very depressing layer below it – this child, who can be no more than six, imagined the penguin, and thus must also have imagined the penguin’s loveless depression. Imagine the mind of the child who comes up with that – his parents must’ve got the Rorschach Test wrapped up beneath that tree.

Morrisons, having hit a niche in the middle-aged mother market, have brought back Geordie thumbscrews Ant and Dec, this time to take part in a sing-a-long with the cast of Midsomer Murders. If you’re onto a good thing, why get rid of it, I suppose? It definitely beats their earlier effort involving Freddie Flintoff, in which the cricketer just walks around talking about making people come (I kid you not).

At this point, we move to Sainsbury’s. Ad pundits, for such a thing exists, have declared it the winner of the Christmas ad war, a sentence so depressing to type that I died a little bit inside. The advert, which lasts for nearly four minutes, kicks off with British and German troops in World War I singing ‘Silent Night,’ before leading us into a retelling of the famous football match between the two sides on Christmas 1914. Two, Jim and Otto, make friends and end by giving each other a piece of food as a Christmas present. If you’ve ever watched the video for Paul McCartney’s Pipes of Peace, it’s that.

Nowadays, adverts have bigger production values than a Hollywood film, designed to make you part with your money by tugging your heartstrings or stuffing celebrities into your face.

Aside from the blatant plagiarism, I couldn’t help but find the ad shockingly insensitive (my first impression, honestly, was that the advert for the next day, when they go back to shooting and shelling each other, would be a bit more downbeat) and although it may make you cry, it’s appalling. As a commentary on the futility of war – of sending young men to die in battle away from home – it is powerfully effective, but that’s not the point of it.

It’s an advert, from a supermarket, trying to sell you crap you don’t want, practically guilting you into it. All of these touching little tales are from faceless conglomerates, making you part with your money to buy a lamp shade or something because of the cute penguin. Really, the fact that it manipulates sentiment idiots so well and that it does so successfully every year is sad. The only thing more downbeat that that is knowing that next year, they’ll come up with something even more crass to exploit the general public even further.

Still, maybe you just want to look at the cute things and sing Christmas songs, in which case – Merry Christmas, and an almost certainly soul-destroying New Year to you!