1000 Channels, and Nothing’s On

A common criticism levelled at television is that there are so many channels, and nothing’s on – however, some of these stations may as well be different worlds for all the time we spend with them. The average viewer watches few channels, preferring to watch the same shows and stay comfy within the confines of the BBC and ITV, rarely venturing further. But with so much choice, why do we never try anything new? What actually is on?

(In the style of 24, imagine Kiefer Sutherland’s voice saying that this review takes place between the hours of 5:00pm and 8:00pm.)

BEN (or Bright Entertainment Network, 182) is a channel aimed at expatriate Africans, showing mainly home-grown programmes, Nollywood films and stuff from Nigeria. As I tuned in, it was some sort of topical debate show – imagine The Wright Stuff, and you’re fairly close – discussing some aspect of Nigerian politics I knew nothing about. Propeller (189), on the other hand, is aimed at the UK-China community and promoting both country’s values. The show I watched was a business round-up, which was always going to be tedious anyway, but it was all in Chinese, rendering it completely inaccessible to me. I played a game of guessing what was going on based on the graphs, but it wasn’t as fun as it sounds.

Next up, we have Discovery Shed (242), which is full of programmes about fishing, DIY, cars and outdoor adventure – if the stereotypical macho male had to design a TV network, this is what would end up with. This week, it was a Railroad Alaska marathon, following people who work on Alaska’s railroad, believe it or not. Dull isn’t the word – I don’t know who is watching this. Three times in the show, the people didn’t believe anyone would watch this, so who is the audience?

?TV (252) is a difficult one to catch, as it only broadcasts for two hours a day, starting at four in the morning. I had to record the stuff, which is only an Australian drama called East of Everything – think Neighbours with shoddier production values and you’re there. I assume it broadcasts at that hour for insomniacs.

There is no official description for BnanzaBnanza (266) but, from what I could make out, it seemed to be dealing with classical stuff (and, pleasingly, its classic western namesake). Not anything good though – that gets syphoned off to the bigger networks, so we have spy dramas with unconvincing German accents and a film in which Larry Hagman gives a man his car, but it goes wrong and the person tries to return it.

I was astounded to learn that football teams have their own TV channels – MUTV (418) and Chelsea TV (421) deal with their respective teams, showing match highlights and tedium documentaries about any figure even remotely connected to them that would bore all but the most dull football anoraks ever – as such, I couldn’t bring myself to sit through one for more than a few minutes.

The History Channel’s little sister, H2 (531), claims to broadcast historical and scientific programmes, but although this is true to a minor degree, the majority of what it emits can only be described as conspiracy theorist fodder. I watched a few hours of Ancient Aliens, which details historical encounters between mankind and extra-terrestrials, documenting how aliens have influenced the development of our world. And by documenting, I mean making up. Other nonsense includes Stan Lee looking for superheroes in the real world and lunatic Brad Meltzer inventing bizarre conspiracies about the US government.

Those of a Christian bent may want to try Revelation (581). I have no intention of knocking Christians, but I don’t understand why they would sit through this stuff. I watched a live rally in Boston where a black preacher kept forcing children to sing songs about God and how good he is. It was somewhat reminiscent of Live Aid, but with a much more cult vibe.

I was astounded to learn that football teams have their own TV channels – MUTV (418) and Chelsea TV (421) deal with their respective teams, showing match highlights and tedium documentaries

The Pub Channel (881) is dedicated for publicans, and interested pissheads, to further their knowledge of alcohol. I watched a man carved out of wood explain the muscles and technique required to properly pull a pint. It definitely didn’t require all the time he took, and he confessed that the difference was so minor that even doing it incorrectly wasn’t the end of the world – so why did he waste hours of my life on the subject?

None of the channels wound me up quite like Psychic Today (886). Members of the public text in with queries and the charlatan on duty (in this case, Lisa Marie, a blow-up doll with dead eyes) answers using their mystical powers. Lisa Marie favoured tarot cards, giving pretty much the same general advice to every single person who texted in, no matter how applicable it was.

It was a similar principle for Playboy TV Chat (902) – a similarly bored looking woman sits, taking phone calls. You ring and you have an undoubtedly dirty conversation, or you sit and watch to a poorly put-together disco track. I assume you have to call in to get any sort of pleasant experience – otherwise, watching a woman in a state of partial undress incredibly boring and you may as well get a screensaver.

So, am I likely to watch any of these channels again? The answer – surprising me as I just scrolled through the listings looking for the widest variety of rubbish I could find – is yes. I find H2 very amusing, and there is occasionally a good show on BnanzaBnanza. My suggestion is for everyone who slumps in front of the box, watches the same few things and complains about the amount of repeats – try something new, and you may find you enjoy it.