I never thought that I would say this, but I actually enjoyed watching something on BBC3 this week. Shocking, I know. No, it wasn’t I’m a Fat Unicorn, Why Can’t I find Love? (admittedly not a real program but, considering BBC3’s caliber, it’s hardly beyond belief). It was, of course, The Undercover Princes, a program about three princes coming to Brighton to find love. Africa Zulu (from Zululand in South Africa, if you haven’t already guessed), Remigius (in exile from Sri Lanka, he likes it if you call him Remi…or Tom) and Manvendra (from India, you may call him Mani) idolise English girls (and, in the case of Mani, boys) in a sickeningly complementary manner. I want to congratulate whoever created the myth that every single English person is well-mannered, curteous and blindly loyal, but I also want to slap them for making me feel so ashamed of my country: what will these three people, sorry, princes think when they realise that England isn’t actually one big magical forest where rainbows shower the dancing bunny rabbits and King Arthur runs amok saving damsels in distress left, right and centre. Instead, it’s a maniacal cesspit where chavs intimidate the bunny rabbits and damsels don’t really want to be saved, since they’re doing quite fine laughing at men’s willies in their high-rise council flats.
These princes were looking for someone to love them for their personalities, and not for their money. In three weeks. With a television crew following them everywhere. You know, just your average English courtship. Africa, bless him, had the worst chat up lines known to man. My particular favourite was “Your personality is supergreat! Can I touch your hair?” This was closely followed by “Are those your real eyes?” Men, take note! You are learning from a true genius. Nevertheless, he somehow didn’t manage to pull at all. I know! Who could possibly resist that?!
When Africa wasn’t ‘hunting’ (his own terminology) for women, he was growing increasingly concerned for Mani. Over the course of the week, Mani got propositioned on multiple occasions but refused because he was waiting for his one true love to rescue him from an awful life of extreme luxury in India. Refusing to meet real men, he set up an Internet dating profile. When he saw the crude listings, instead of acting shocked at the impropriety, he turned to the camera and announced. ‘I have an erection now!’ On his first venture outside of the house, Mani went searching for something ‘kinky’ and discovered leather jock straps. When he showed his spoils, Africa whipped out his beloved Bible and told him that, ‘you know what, this is quite interesting, it says here…you will DIE!’
Mani inexplicably enjoyed the most success of the week. The furthest that Remi and Africa got was an offer of ‘business’ from a prostitute. ‘We don’t want that’, Remi noted politely. But, Remi, I want more. Bring on the next episode!