Dating and everything in between

Words are merely symbols. How we express ourselves through words can, therefore, be deceiving – especially if the meaning we associate with words doesn’t align with how others perceive them.

Google defines ‘dating’ as a social and romantic activity where people spend time together to get to know each other and see if they are compatible. That is until you scroll down to see ‘common types of dating’, ‘modern dating apps’, and ‘what is the difference between ‘dating’ and ‘exclusively dating”. Suddenly, dating doesn’t have a definitive meaning.

The world of dating is one that continues to shock many, as you listen to stories of unforgiving betrayals and confusing miscommunication, alongside extravagant declarations of love.

University is the time when many begin to explore the unknowns of relationships. It seems that now, we have a name for everything, which includes those who fall into the ‘it’s very casual – nothing serious’ group. From situationships to soulmates, dating has become an ambiguous symbol that holds many definitions and labels. Dating can mean ‘talking’, ‘seeing where things go’, ‘serious’, ‘exclusive’, or ‘casual’. However, as Penn Badgley asked, “Is it ever casual?”

The only ones that can determine the success of a relationship are those who are in the relationship themselves

Navigating the strange world of dating while others whisper in your ears can make the entire experience feel disheartening and overwhelming, as you try to cipher through the unwanted and wanted advice. Many look to social media, to those who deem themselves ‘relationship experts’ or offer ‘big sister advice’ that feeds into this false narrative around the secrets of dating. In reality, there is no secret. I have seen happy couples that believe they will get married to others that are constantly on the brink of breaking up. The only ones that can determine the success of a relationship are those who are in the relationship themselves.

In an interview with AB Talks, Lize Dzjabrailova, known as the online personality ‘The Wizard Liz’, discusses her ideas about relationships, how many young men are brought up in comparison to young women, and how these upbringings result in abusive or toxic relationships as they grow older. I would highly recommend the podcast episode not only because of her perspective on relationships but on her understanding and reflection of trauma and family dynamics. Although, one thing that I found interesting was Dzjabrailova’s stand that “every relationship is transactional”, explaining how partnerships involve the exchange of energy or values.

You don’t need to owe anyone anything

I think the word “transactional” can feel intimidating, especially to those who fear commitment where this business-like and negotiated dynamic can distract from what Dzjabrailova truly means. If we changed the wording to ‘every relationship is transferable’, it shifts to a different lens of relationships becoming something organic, healthy, and exciting, where two people can coexist independently but also be a partnership that brings out the best parts of one another. You don’t need to owe anyone anything. Dating can be fluid rather than fixed; you never have to stay the same the entire time, but you can change and grow alongside one another.

I think it remains an important conversation to both be had and heard. In many ways, listening to relationship advice can be helpful to understanding your own positions on what you believe makes a good or healthy relationship. But not every relationship is healthy, and although it is easier said than done, it is something that everyone deserves to have and experience. Some love the thrill of not knowing, enjoy the petty arguments, the confusing miscommunication or the lack of. From fresher relationships to ones created in the middle of term in your third year, dating doesn’t ever just fall into place. It can be messy. Short term or long term, it really depends on your own personal idea of what dating is or what the purpose of dating should be.

We are so focused on trying to define relationships that we have forgotten how to just date

However, you don’t have to date at all. In Dolly Alderton’s memoir Everything I know about Love (another one I highly recommend), she makes an interesting point about ‘Monday Morning stories.’ These are the stories shared first thing at school on Monday morning that somehow became a currency of value, exchanging grown-up experiences to be the ultimate sign of maturity, popularity, and social relevance. We have all heard the strange social expectation to have had ‘experienced’ things, but it really should be emphasised that it doesn’t make that much of a difference. One person can say ‘yes, I have’ and the other can say ‘no, I haven’t.’ It is the reaction of others that makes it a big deal. There is no timer that slowly counts the seconds and hours that pass, or a checklist that must be filled out before you reach a certain age. Dating shouldn’t ever be something scary or feel forced because it ‘has to’ happen at some point or another.

Once people feel pressure to do so, that is when many run to dating apps. There are many different opinions surrounding the positive and negatives of dating apps. On one hand, it gives confidence to begin those first conversations with others. On the other, it can make dating all that harder, swiping through surface level profiles, basing your first interaction on photos purposely selected to appeal. Some succeed, while others suffer in the difficulty to form real connections or use the apps for hookup cultures. Dating becomes even harder and many retreat to social media influencers. An endless and lonely cycle of search for answers.

Fewer people are just meeting spontaneously and getting into relationships that make them happy. Perhaps that is the problem. We are so focused on trying to define relationships that we have forgotten how to just date. The more we listen to everyone else’s definitions of dating, the harder it becomes to hear our own. Relationships have and always been complicated, unpredictable, and sometimes disappointing, but that is part of what makes them so human.