Break up now, not later: The ‘date them till you hate them’ trend

Leaving a relationship is one of the hardest things to do. If you’re an avoidant like I am, you’d just want to do it (over text) in a very poetic manner so as to cushion the impact and never have to respond to any further texts or calls and go about your life. But unfortunately, that helps no one (including yourself), and it is also disrespectful to your soon-to-be ex and the relationship you’ve built over however long you were in it. Breakups are never simple, and, in my opinion, being broken up with is easier than breaking up with someone. I recently came across the ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ concept on TikTok and, as a breakup connoisseur, I had to find out more.

The ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ method involves allowing your partner to treat you exactly the way they do at present, red flags included, for an extended period without intervention until the sound of their breathing gets so deep under your skin, it makes your blood simmer. The perk of this process, as contested by TikTok girlies, is the ease with which you breeze through the usually unpleasant emotions that succeed the ‘we need to talk’ talk. It rides on the assumption that if you expose yourself to all their ‘icks’, the way they condescendingly tell you to “get a hobby” when you talk about Kendall Jenner, and the first few red flags that somehow, in your head, don’t amount to enough of a justification to leave the relationship, you will grieve slowly and skip to stage three (the one after sadness and anger): resentment. You will resent everything about your partner: their demeanour, their personality, even the way they sleep in a fetal position. Even the bits that you once thought were so cute (even cuter if you placed a baby into that visual frame) would become unbearable. So unbearable that when you end things, you’d feel like how Nicole Kidman did after filing for divorce against Tom Cruise. It’s obviously easier to walk away when you hate someone.

Acclimatising yourself to unsatisfactory behaviour increases your threshold capacity for it

Do you remember when you told your best friend to leave a guy because he sent flirty DMs to other girls? And do you remember how frustrating it was when she said she would break up with him but still chose to stay because “people make mistakes”? And then one day, out of the blue, she called you to say that it was high time she left him. Do you remember the relief you felt when she finally acknowledged the painful downsides of that relationship? ‘Date Them Till You Hate Them’ is a DIY version of this. You consent to delaying walking away, knowing that one day you will be undeniably, irrevocably broken up. And when you do, it wouldn’t crush your heart, make you lose your appetite or get a tattoo, or second guess leaving.

Leaving is hard but staying is worse

The problem with the method is that by putting up with disrespect and bad behaviour, you normalise it, closing any avenues for growth or change from both sides. In the long run, acclimatising yourself to unsatisfactory behaviour increases your threshold capacity for it and lowers self-esteem. By dating them until you hate them, you neglect speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries, both of which are essential in any relationship, be it romantic or platonic. In most cases, the other person is blindsided, left to piece the puzzle together. And if it is an abusive relationship, each day spent might compromise your safety. It seems more appealing to leave a relationship when you recognise yourself.

Lingering about until you absolutely can’t stand your partner might seem like an efficient coping mechanism for an impending breakup, but the price you pay by tolerating, being unhappy, and watching your partner repeat the same behaviours again and again isn’t worth it. Or fair. Leaving is hard but staying is worse. Save your ex and yourself three extra therapy sessions and do it the hard way.