Everything I’ve learned about friendship during the pandemic

The last few months of our lives have been ruled by one word – coronavirus. It’s affected every one of us in some way, whether it’s been our jobs, studies or social life. While it’s undeniable that the effects of the pandemic are varied and probably won’t be understood for many months to come, one aspect of our lives has undergone a radical change with lasting consequences, and this is the impact of the pandemic on our friendships and close relationships.

An overnight transition from seeing friends and other people to not seeing anyone apart from the people in my household has been interesting, to say the least. No one knew exactly how long lockdown would last or when it would not feel illegal to step foot outside again. The existence of modern technology meant that we could still see and communicate with friends virtually, though still separated by distance.

It felt like we as a society had cracked the code to keeping in touch with our friends

Since we were all at home, there was this illusion of ‘free time’ with no responsibilities. So obviously we must’ve all been available to talk to friends all day every day, right? I soon discovered that this was not the case at all. Of course, I wanted to maintain communication with my friends, but in the midst of all the worry and anxiety of a pandemic, it was very draining to talk and be virtually social all the time. I soon found myself with this question in my head: how can I keep up with my friends if I’m barely keeping up with myself?

I remember seeing a tweet a few months ago that said something along the lines of, “this pandemic will reveal who your true friends are”. There was an increasing discourse online which suggested that if people don’t talk to you during this time it meant they didn’t care about you. I found myself disagreeing with this take on the situation as I felt it just added more stress to an already stressful situation. More importantly, it doesn’t allow room for understanding that we are all going through this pandemic and everyone’s situation is different.

Does communicating less often with our friends mean that we don’t care about them? Of course not. It just means that people have their own lives to deal with and we can’t expect them to focus on us all of the time and vice versa. The era of zoom calls, zoom pub quizzes and Houseparty calls was thrilling at first. It felt like we as a society had cracked the code to keeping in touch with our friends, or possibly we just set an unrealistic standard for friendships.

The thought of maintaining a conversation with them was daunting

I think I’ve done fairly well with keeping in contact with friends, but there were a few weeks where I didn’t speak to anyone, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t have the energy, both physically and mentally. I thought about my friends often and hoped they were okay, but the thought of maintaining a conversation with them was daunting.

Also, since the beginning of lockdown, consuming social media had become a full-time job for me which was not helpful. It got to the point where I had to detox so I turned off all my notifications and started turning my phone off for most of the day to return myself back to default.

After two weeks of this, I felt much better. I had an adequate amount of energy and instantly resumed talking to friends again, anxious they’d be annoyed at my disappearance and apologising for being gone for so long. It was very relieving to be met with understanding from them, there was no anger, no broken friendships, instead it opened up the conversation for us to discuss how we’d really been coping with lockdown with no judgement.

We should understand their situation and support them where we can

It was then that I realised that communication, while it is important, it is not the most crucial part of friendship. Instead, it is care and understanding, remembering that our friends are their own people, individual and multi-dimensional, with their own lives and situations to deal with.

So, instead of judging them by their ability to place us at the centre, we should understand their situation and support them where we can. I started beginning messages with ‘you don’t have to reply to this but,’ and then continuing the message with something positive and supportive to show that it’s okay if they don’t have the energy to respond, but at least they know that I’m thinking of them. During these uncertain times, this is one of the best things we can do.

Now, I know how I feel about the effect of the pandemic on friendships, but alas I am not the only person in the world. So, I asked some of my friends and family for their thoughts and perspective on the matter. It was interesting to hear their experiences of their friendships over the course of the pandemic and lockdown.

She added that this did make her appreciate her friends more

I was most intrigued by my older sister’s answer. She said that her main way of communicating with friends was already through phone calls and video calls due to them all leading busy lives, so the pandemic had not actually changed how they kept in contact. However, she added that this did make her appreciate her friends more and it allowed her to realise that she does not meet up with her friends as often as she’d like to.

My younger sister also had an interesting take on this matter. She commented that she used to have a million things to say to her friends but now she ‘doesn’t even have one thing to say’. She is 10 years old, and anyone who has ever been around children knows that children both can and will talk about anything and everything…for a very long time.

This is what interested me as it made me realise that younger children are probably having a very different experience to adults during this time. School was their main and for most, their only method of actually interacting with friends and socialising as a child, but that channel has been removed for many months now.

The pressure to keep up with everyone while trying to keep up with ourselves was immense

I also asked a couple of my friends from home to see their perspectives, and it was quite eye-opening for me to hear what some of my closest friends had to say. My friend Temi said that she found that there was pressure to keep in contact with friends, and it was especially difficult during the peak of lockdown when most people were in low spirits and it was harder to remain positive. She makes a very valid point here, and it relates a lot to what I was saying earlier – the pressure to keep up with everyone while trying to keep up with ourselves was immense.

My other friend Debbie said that the pandemic hadn’t had a massive effect on her friendships, but similar to my sister, it made her value her friendships more and lockdown also gave her time to reflect on the kind of friend that she wants to be. Lockdown has definitely been a time of self-reflection and it has highlighted the importance of friendship and the qualities necessary to make it work.

Overall, it can be said that no two experiences of friendship during lockdown have been the same, but it has revealed a lot about friendship to us. I’ve definitely discovered that patience and understanding have been the most important practices during this time, and having these allows us to better connect with friends as we are all understanding that people have lives that they need to deal with.

We can use this time to reflect on our friendships and who we want to be

Communication with friends has looked a little different over the past few months. It’s not been as often or as constant, and that’s okay. Now, if I haven’t heard from a friend in a while, I take that as a sign to check up on them, rather than a sign that they don’t want to be friends.

I’m still thinking about the tweet that I mentioned earlier and how if I had followed that advice, I wouldn’t have learnt to be as understanding of my friends and their situations. Now, my experience is not universal and I do not wish it to sound that way; I understand that some people may have lost friends, or even gained friends during this difficult time and that is okay too.

It can be said that no one predicted the current global climate and what it had in store for us, but we can reflect on the things we’ve learnt, and just like my friend Debbie, we can use this time to reflect on our friendships and who we want to be.