toilet
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A royal flush: gold toilet stolen from Blenheim Palace

A second man has been arrested following the theft of a solid gold toilet swiped from Blenheim Palace, finally being an end to the reign of terror of public enemy’s number one and two. The celebration was short lived however, as Detective Inspector Steve Jones shifted the priority of the force to locating the stolen stool, insisting that “we’ve got to get to the bottom of this”. 

The work of art, entitled “America” and valued at $6 million (£4.8 million, give or take a few referendums) was stolen in a rather daring raid from the stately home in Woodstock, Oxfordshire on Saturday. Initially a 36-year-old man from Cheltenham was arrested on suspicion of constipation-erm-conspiracy to burgle the golden toilet.

After several minutes of intense police interrogation, the chap finally cracked under the pressure and offered up one of his associates, a 66-year-old fellow who was previously arrested on the same day as the heist. 

The police soon wiped the smile off his face once they got the information they required. Despite this, the burglar refused to bend during his interrogation and, try though they did, police failed to squeeze any information on the whereabouts of the gilded toilet. Although the criminal did provide some startling revelations as to how the theft was carried out.

Mr. Hare went on to express his desire to see the piece of art safely returned before the toilet (much like his job prospects) were melted down into oblivion

“Was simple enough”, revealed the second suspect. “Four of us was in on it. Two of us disguised ourselves as toilet cleaners and snuck in. That was a bit humiliating. See, we work as plumbers in our daily lives and, as I’m sure you know, toilet cleaners are by no means the same thing.”

The police are currently investigating plumber unions local to the area. On top of that, Blenheim’s appropriately named Chief Executive, Dominic Hare insisted that he would be tightening security at the palace to prevent copycat crimes from occurring in the future. 

“We have a very sophisticated security system”, said Hare. “I don’t see how a ragtag gang of plumbers managed to slip out the back so quickly. It should have taken them at least ten minutes, but they were done in five. They must fantastic bowel movements”.

Mr. Hare went on to express his desire to see the piece of art safely returned before the toilet (much like his job prospects) were melted down into oblivion. He described the 18 carat monument of decadence, which was famously offered to Donald Trump in 2017 who politely turned it down  claiming that he already had an en-suite lavatory constructed out of diamonds as a commentary on the American Dream. More so than ever, now that it has vanished into thin air.

(The following is a piece of satire)

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