How the Nintendo Switch Tore my House Apart: The Best Console in 2019

When my friend Will moved in with me and Tom we were excited when he set up his Nintendo Switch in the lounge.  Neither of us were willing to buy a new console when we’d already spent a considerable amount on a new TV and PS4 we bought for communal use, so we never thought we’d get to use a Switch.  “Wanna play Smash?” Will asked.  An innocent question.  I’d never played before, Tom hadn’t played since Brawl and Will had only played against his younger brothers. It was exciting at first, seeing characters from franchises I recognised.  I decided to pick one of my old starter Pokémon and see what the game was about.

I watched in silent horror as my Greninja got slapped around between Donkey Kong and Samus, something I would later learn was called a wombo combo.  I switched to Bayonetta, another character I was vaguely familiar with. She too was thrown around like a balloon at a children’s party. I’ve always enjoyed Final Fantasy games, so I switched to Cloud in a last-ditch attempt to regain some of my honour.  Thus began a bitter war between friends that would leave the social fabric of my house in tatters.

“I’m good at games” I desperately muttered to myself as I put down the Switch’s joycon.  I couldn’t understand why I had lost. The move list only showed four attacks for Cloud but my housemates, Will and Tom, had been using way more than that to batter me.  I needed to work out what had gone wrong. I needed to git gud. We fought again and again, them switching between characters fluidly every fight, me sticking to Cloud as he was the only one I could hold my own with.  I begged them to teach me how to play but they only gave me scraps of knowledge, tidbits of advice. I needed more. I needed to beat them. If the game wasn’t going to tell me, if my own housemates wouldn’t tell me, I knew I would have to find out the hard way…. Watching try hard tutorials on YouTube.

Over the next week I learned the basics: how to shield, grab, tech, dodge, that each attack can be used in a direction, on the ground, in the air!  Eventually I started to win games. My housemates couldn’t take it. “You’re only doing well cause Cloud is top tier!” they would scream. What the fuck is a tier?  As sheer dumb luck would have it I’d picked one of the best characters in the game. I decided to only play characters I was naturally drawn to and so ignored the tier lists, meanwhile Tom kept searching for the most broken character he could.

Another week passed and we all bought pro controllers.  Too often had we each lost due to the clumsiness of the single joycon.  Now we could use smash attacks with ease, could properly grab and air dodge.  A clear hierarchy emerged. Will’s filthy casual playstyle cost him any hope of being the best, my studying paid off and I climbed the ranks, but in my way stood Tom.  He specialised in ‘Kill Confirms’. Combinations of moves that were almost guaranteed to kill. He knew which character had the strongest throw, best back air, best down smash.  He’d dig me and Will’s fighter’s into holes and drop bowling balls on their heads, sending them screaming into the void. If he were ever on the back foot he’d be quick to yell out “Issy is at zero percent!!”, “Will is one life up!!”  It worked every time. He’d make us fight amongst ourselves while his new fighter, Lucas, stood at the edge of the battlefield and watched, silently for his time to strike.

As me and Will’s fighters were locked in a fierce battle, rapidly exchanging blows, we heard a high-pitched voice that now causes us to flinch like it’s a crack of a whip.  “PK ice!” A small, pulsating ball crashed between our fighters, turning them to ice and sending them flying off stage while we sat mouths agape, powerless to help. We couldn’t do it.  We couldn’t win with what we had. We needed to diversify.

More weeks passed, more battles, more characters, until finally!  The stage was set. Ike, Lucas, and Ridley took to the battlefield.  Ridley could drag people off stage at zero percent, Tom was furious. Ike’s moves could hit at ridiculous angles, I was raging.  Turns out Lucas also has a grab that is nigh on impossible to dodge. We were at our wits end. Every fight ended with the proclamation that the winning character was broken, glitched, needed to be nerfed.  Beautiful friendships forged over years of mutual interests and respect were crumbling away. We did what had to be done to salvage what little remained of our relationships. We banned our mains. Never again would Ridley drag Ike, kicking and screaming into oblivion.  No longer would Ike throw his sword skyward, catching everything in its path. Never again would we hear that terrible shriek in the night, “PK ice!”

This console and its party games, like Ultimate Chicken Horse and Smash, have ruled every night in, every predrinks for four months and nearly destroyed two of the relationships I hold most dear to me.  10/10 would recommend.