I write this as a survivor of rape

I am writing this as a survivor of rape and as someone who has escaped a violent partner.

The ‘Warwick group chat’ story has brought shame upon the University. The story is so much more than a private conversation between Neanderthals who lack the wit for successful dark humour and instead had to rely upon the degradation of people they know. Crucially absent from the conversation are the girls about whom such appalling comments were made, as well as other survivors of sexual assault.

Some of you may think that the messages were funny. Others may think it was a private conversation that should not have been made public. To you, I say this – how can you possibly understand if you’ve not been abused, sexually assaulted or raped? I was raped at a party by a stone-cold sober man. I had no memory of the incident, and yet I was told the next day by my rapist that he ‘scored.’ Still I had no memory. I realised that he had probably assaulted me.

I was ridiculed by the people who I thought were my friends. I was called a slut. I still didn’t know for sure what happened until after several months, I was told that I was raped. There were witnesses, I was told, but they did not wish to support me. The rapist never faced any consequences.

To you, I say this – how can you possibly understand if you’ve not been abused, sexually assaulted or raped?

I started a relationship because I was scared that, if I didn’t, I would always be afraid of sex. But it turns out that sex is still terrifying if you’re coerced into it against your will. It’s scary being with someone who will show you no affection, who will tell you everything that is wrong with your body – your breasts are too small, your stomach should be flatter, your thigh gap isn’t big enough. I was told that I was lucky to have him and I couldn’t get anyone else.

Things took a turn for the worse when I decided to go to a different university to my boyfriend. He hit me. He didn’t need a reason. But he was bigger than me, and I couldn’t fight back. Then he blackmailed me, so I couldn’t leave him. I started university and people began to see the violent abuser for what he is. Eventually, I contacted campus security, and I felt safe enough to leave him. I moved on. But I was told by my ex’s friends that because I am white, I will always belong to a white man. Because my new partner was not white, he was called a ‘rapist’ and a ‘terrorist.’

I told no one about the rape, or the violence and abuse I suffered in my subsequent relationship. I blamed myself. I attended counselling sporadically in my first two years of University, but I never felt like it was a big enough issue to take to my personal tutor. On my year abroad, a man attempted to sexually assault me. I had several severe panic attacks. I slapped him away on the first occasion, and some other men stepped in when he attempted to do it again.

He hit me. He didn’t need a reason. But he was bigger than me, and I couldn’t fight back

Later, I managed to tell my parents about my abusive relationship. They believed me, but I still couldn’t tell them about the rape. I told my sister that I was raped. Her response was “Me too. Tell me about yours and I’ll tell you about mine.” While writing an essay on rape, I had a panic attack. I went to my module tutor and told him the whole story. He is the first academic tutor I told. He was so supportive and even offered me mitigating circumstances.

Then, in the lead up to my final exams, the ‘Warwick group chat’ story broke. The disgusting thing wasn’t so much the conversation, but the number of people willing to stand up for rape culture, which the conversation undoubtedly is – ‘it’s just a joke,’ ‘boys will be boys,’ ‘they’re perfectly nice people, don’t ruin their future.’ Was it ‘just banter’ when my ex abused me? Was it ‘just a joke’ when people called me a slut after I was raped? Was it just ‘boys being boys’ when I received messages telling me that my new boyfriend was a ‘rapist’ and ‘terrorist’ just because of the colour of his skin?

I will never let what happened define me. I got in here with no mitigating circumstances, despite being raped during A levels. I’ve averaged a strong 2.1 throughout my time here, again without the need for mitigating circumstances. I’ve been president of a sports club, I’ve completed a year abroad and I’ve surrounded myself with friends who are understanding and a boyfriend who is supportive.

However, I still experience severe panic attacks. I still blame myself every single day. I still wonder about how I could have avoided it.

Was it ‘just banter’ when my ex abused me? Was it ‘just a joke’ when people called me a slut after I was raped?

Because of rape culture, we blame victims who are already blaming themselves. We tell them they were asking for it. We tell them we don’t believe they were assaulted because they are not ‘attractive enough’. We are more concerned about the perpetrators’ fates than those of their victims. We defend rape ‘jokes’ about sexually assaulting freshers. We defend ‘jokes’ about raping women because it’s ‘just banter’.

The group chat epitomised rape culture, and those who defend it demonstrate how endemic it is at Warwick. You don’t know who I am, but I am not alone as a survivor at Warwick. I’ve had counselling and I know that it’s not my fault, yet every comment made in defence of these ‘jokes’ has made me second guess that and I know that I’m not the only one feeling that way. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, and yet it seems that some of my fellow students have.