Literary Come Dine with Me

Throw together five literary strangers and ask them all to host a dinner party. Make them score in secret to win a £1,000 cash prize.

This is (literary) Come Dine with Me.

[Queue the intro music]

Day one

The competition kicks off in Hogwarts with Tom Riddle preparing a petrifying menu for his guests: Jane Eyre, Titus Andronicus, Miss Trunchbull and Jay Gatsby. The dinner party is delayed because of the guests lacking knowledge in ‘parseltongue’. When they are eventually let in, the bleak, drab Chamber of Secrets sets the tone for the evening. The food is cold and sparks fly (quite literally) when Tom casts the ‘Avada Kedavra’ spell towards Jay for telling him so. I would say thankfully he missed but after seeing the green sparks erupt from Tom’s wand, Jay kept brooding over Daisy’s green light, bringing the tone of the evening down even further.

After scoring a perfect 40, the producers sensed the Imperious Curse was at play here. A second vote the next day saw Tom score a mediocre 24.

Day two

The second day sees Jane Eyre take centre stage in Thornfield Hall and she is completely over Rochester. After seeing his sleek brown curls yesterday, Jane has taken to moping over Tom instead. With a roaring fire and no porridge in sight, the evening appears to be going swimmingly. That is until Titus brings up love and Jane goes on an introspective spiel about being plain and hurt by the men in her life. Jay encourages this and starts whining about Daisy again. Tom, who can’t feel love, starts to get fed up and is on the verge of sourcing a love potion so he can fit in. Overall, the food was delicious but the ambiance was all off, what on earth was that screeching noise coming from the attic?

Jane scores a whopping 32 just for providing edible food.

Day three

Day three and the turn of warrior and novice pie maker, Titus Andronicus, to prepare a meal. The guests notice a theme in the menu, you guessed it, pies. The apple pie dessert is somewhat overshadowed by the main – Titus’s ‘when did you last see your sons?’ pie surprise. An average menu, but the guests are somewhat underwhelmed with the main- was the surprise that the meat tastes almost like chicken?

Titus scores a 26, not quite enough to topple Jane from her lead.

Day four

Day four takes us to Crunchem Hall Primary School for Miss Trunchbull’s evening. Last night’s questionable meat is repeating on the guests, and tonight’s surprise ingredients won’t make them feel any better. There’s not really enough space for all the guests in The Chokey, so the assembly hall has to do. The food is meaty and the chocolate cake with a twist for dessert was questionable, you could definitely taste Cook’s blood, sweat and tears. No one is really sure if it is against the rules to get a cook in.

An odd evening with a ban on anyone encouraging each other to finish this awful meal, or saying the name Bruce. The guests scored her a disappointing 25 points.

Day five

Next up, and hoping his night isn’t a total car crash, is Jay Gatsby. To adhere to his theme all the guests show up dressed as flappers, a look which is rather fetching on Tom Riddle. Gatsby isn’t a fan of having a dinner party of just five people, he finds it impersonal and prefers larger parties to entertain, which are far more intimate.  Placing his pretentious nonsense aside, Gatsby throws a party our guests won’t forget, if they can even remember what happened! Champagne for every course sees Jane finally confess her feelings to Tom, an epic battle between the frightening Miss Trunchbull and Titus, and Jay drunk calling Daisy (and by calling, I mean standing at the edge of the water screaming her name).

The guests score Jay 34, seeing him swoop in and win the £1,000 prize. Hopefully that will be enough money to throw a few more parties. This win is proof that there ain’t no party like a Gatsby party!