When your life is threatened at… the cinema

Now, I’m a guy who likes going to the cinema. The whole experience of it is unparalleled – the chance to sit down and lose myself in a film is like nothing else. Sadly, it seems that I get less of a chance to do that nowadays. The problem – other people. Nothing quite ruins going to the cinema like other people.

I went to a premiere showing of Batman v Superman, arriving incredibly early as I thought it was going to be busy. It wasn’t. So I sat, waiting for the film and listening to the most pretentious arsehole ever go on and on, espousing opinions on every topic under the sun. Apparently, it’s not a true Indian film if it doesn’t feature a 70s porn stash as a plot device – who knew? Still, you’d think the film would shut him up, right?

Nope.

He carried on, highlighting every single reference in the movie (especially grating for a roomful of DC fans). Then, come the end of the film, he pointedly applauded and berated everyone else in the cinema for not doing the same. He shouted at everyone, demanding they show Snyder some respect. At this point, it was three in the morning and I was too exhausted to give a damn – I told him to stop being a bellend, and went home.

The problem – other people. Nothing quite ruins going to the cinema like other people.

I can’t abide by excessive talking in the cinema, nor people using their phones – it distracts me, and so I start to focus on them, rather than the film (on that note, why bother going to the cinema if you’re on your phone all the time? Sod off home and stay there). This happened at 10 Cloverfield Lane (which is really good, by the way – go watch it), something I saw during the school holidays. My dad likes to sit at the top of the stairs, so we have leg room – this put us on the back row, in between two separate groups of kids. I knew it wouldn’t end well long before the film started.

They spoke forever, annoying me throughout. The film is a slow-burner, often contained and quiet, which meant you could hear anything and everything they said. Their chat had two main threads – one was general teen stuff, such as what they were having from McDonald’s afterwards. The second, far more annoying, was asking the others in the group what had just happened in the film (cue my struggling to not tell them they would have known were they paying attention).

Now, you may ask why I simply didn’t confront them and ask them to stop talking. The answer is that this went very badly for me before.

This is why the cinema is suffering – not because of its prices

Image: Sky Movies

I saw the hit cyber-slasher Unfriended in a modestly-sized but fairly packed cinema – I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it nearly as much as I did, but it was inexplicably decent. Sadly, I was being distracted by the couple sitting right next to me – the male was on his phone, on a Tesco app, the two of them discussing what they needed to shop for. I was not as grumpy as normal – I asked them if they would mind not doing that during the film. I didn’t expect what happened next.

The male rose from his seat, all ten foot of him, and turned until he faced me – from my vantage point, it was like being confronted with a building. He glared at me, pointed his finger and said that if I bothered him again, he would kill me. He then sat back down and went quiet. My watching the film was then of low priority due to my figuring out where the exits were and the best route to take to flee without making it obvious. Nothing makes watching teens being murdered scarier than the threat of your own death hanging over your head.

He glared at me, pointed his finger and said that if I bothered him again, he would kill me.

At the cinema, nothing is better than immersing yourself in the world of the film, so why won’t everybody do it? This is why the cinema is suffering – not because of its prices, but because other people continue to be terrible and ruin it.