Jane Eyre: A Warwick Love Story

There was no possibility of taking a walk that day – the Midlands drizzle meant that all the freshers were stuck inside. Meanwhile, 3 had left his bolognaise all over the stove, 8 had used Jane’s Nutriblend without washing it up, and there was no escaping the smell of the ‘cocktail’ that 4’s friends had brewed yesterday before attending Pop!.

That was also the day that Jane downloaded Tinder, and it was after only a week of accidentally swiping left on rowers, and chatting to a guy for two days before realising that he was in her Theory seminar and had a lot less hair than his profile suggested that Jane matched with Ed. Ed was a finalist, lived in north Leamington and didn’t immediately solicit a threesome. In short, Ed was perfect.

Ed was a finalist, lived in north Leamington and didn’t immediately solicit a threesome. In short, Ed was perfect

“What are we?” Jane asked Ed five weeks later as they were both curled up on the musty sofa watching Narcos on Netflix. Ed paused Narcos, tapped the display of his phone a few times and showed it to Jane. The status read: “in a relationship”. Jane felt her heart skip a beat. Her phone died but she promised to change her status later too.

Her heart sang as she returned to her dismal abode in Whitefields, but it sank when her charger was nowhere to be found. Furious, Jane burst into every room (which was a mistake because what number 5 was doing scarred her for life), finally discovering that number 2 had it. “Give it back!” Jane yelled. “You’re disrespecting my right to property and Ed asked me to be his girlfriend!”

Her heart sang as she returned to her dismal abode in Whitefields, but it sank when her charger was nowhere to be found

“Calm your s***!” the girl from number 2 replied. “I didn’t steal it, you left it in the kitchen. Anyway, you shouldn’t be Ed’s girlfriend because he’s seeing Aaron from ChemSoc.” After messaging Aaron’s flatmate and discovering that this was true, Jane texted Ed the following message: “Polyamory is great in a consensual and honest relationship but you weren’t honest with me and I’m better than being your side-chick. Happily I don’t live in a society where being your girlfriend is my only means of social success so I’m dumping your ass. Have a nice life x”.

So Jane dated the guy from Theory because personality is more important than hair, graduated with a 2:1, and fell victim to an over-saturated labour market just like the rest of the Humanities graduates.

The End.

Image Credits: Warwick Media Library