Undefined defined

How can you define as undefined? I think that’s the most common question I get when I explain what the U in LGBTUA+ means. For me, it means there’s no label quite right.

Sure, I could create one, and it would probably apply to others out there too. But where would it end, and how many different bits of terminology would I need to try and teach people before they got it?

If I were to try to explain how I experience my sexuality it would go something like this… I’m a guy, and I can be attracted to guys, girls, and non-binary people. The word that exists for that is ‘bi’, or ‘pan’ if you want to be explicitly inclusive of gender identities outside of the binary of male and female.

I’m a guy, and I can be attracted to guys, girls, and non-binary people

But actually, my romantic and sexual orientations differ from one another. Whilst I can be in a casual relationship with people of any gender, I can only imagine myself being romantically involved with men. There’s terminology for this too, though most people don’t know it – I could call myself ‘pansexual homoromantic’.

Occasionally though, there’s an exception. I’ve been in a romantic relationship with a woman, and that defies the pansexual homoromantic label. What’s all the fuss about then… why not just call myself bi and get on with it? For me at least, that’s not quite right.

I can only imagine myself being romantically involved with men

My relationships with women form very differently to my relationships with others, and it would feel disingenuous not to acknowledge that. In 99 cases out of 100, no matter how attracted I am to a woman, and how well we get along, I could never form a romantic relationship with them.

To avoid the little-known terminology and the confused looks, I generally stick with ‘undefined’. I’m somewhere under the LGBTUA+ umbrella, which is all people are usually asking, and when it’s relevant I explain with sentences rather than isolated words. It takes longer, sure, but the picture it paints is a lot closer to the original.

To avoid the little-known terminology and the confused looks, I generally stick with ‘undefined’

A lot of people use labels that they feel don’t 100% apply to them, which is fine. There are gay men who are occasionally interested in women, and bi women who are only interested in women very rarely.

Some women consider themselves straight, but can feel romantically attracted to other women. Sexuality is rarely as black and white as we imagine. Whilst it can be useful to organise under snappy recognisable categories, language limitations can be a barrier to expressing that. So if you ask me what letter in the acronym is mine, I’m the U, for undefined.