Not confused – a man and a woman discuss their bisexuality

A man and a woman discuss their experiences of bisexuality and coming to terms with their sexuality.

Female Perspective

It still feels strange to me to admit that I’m bisexual. Not because I’m ashamed, or unsure, but because the word is so loaded. It carries with it connotations and expectations espoused by representations of bisexuality on television and in films, none of which I can really relate to.

Being any sexuality other than straight brings with it stereotypes; the camp gay male, or butch lesbian. Bisexuality, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have one set of characteristics. It doesn’t help the coming-out process to have such conflicting messages in popular culture about what it is to be bisexual; sometimes it’s being ‘greedy’ and ‘promiscuous’, and others times it’s ‘crazy’ and ‘experimental’.

It doesn’t help the coming-out process to have such conflicting messages in popular culture about what it is to be bisexual

I think that’s what makes the term so difficult for me to assign to myself – I’m none of those things. The fact that I have the potential to be attracted to both men and women is just one facets of my life, which has no bearing on any other.

To put it crudely, I see someone’s sexual preference much like their preference in cheese. Some people like cheddar, some people like Camembert, and some people like both, or none. Whether you like cheddar or not really has nothing to do with anyone but you and your lovely dairylea dunkers. It’s something you eat in your own time, and is only one small part of your many likes and dislikes, talents and hobbies.

I see someone’s sexual preference much like their preference in cheese

This is why I find sexuality so confusing. My bisexuality is one small part of who I am, but when your sexuality isn’t the norm, it seems to be your defining feature. “They’re gay, you know” is something a friend whispered to me once when he’d just introduced me to someone new.

It’s just as relevant to point out someone’s sexuality as it is their taste in cheese, because it really isn’t anything to do with you unless the person who likes cheese wants to… you know, share it with you (probably best to retire the metaphor for now).

My bisexuality is one small part of who I am

I find it difficult to tell people that I’m bisexual because I don’t ‘look it’. For some reason, people expect non-heterosexual women to have a keen interest in sports, or have short hair. It just so happens that have neither of these things, and it’s not because I’m trying to ‘look straight’, but because I simply don’t happen to like many sports or want short hair.

Every time someone is shocked when I mention my sexuality is a knock to my self-confidence. I get the feeling it’s because I don’t conform to their expectations of a non-heterosexual woman in my appearance or my personality. As hard as it is to admit, every time I meet someone new I worry that their initial reaction upon finding out will be skepticism.

Every time someone is shocked when I mention my sexuality is a knock to my self-confidence

Is suppose that the moral of this article is one that you’ve heard a thousand times before. Never judge a book by its cover. You can’t ‘see’ someone’s sexual preference from the way they look any more than you can ‘see’ their preference in cheese.

Male Perspective

The standard belief that I used to have when I was younger is that bisexuals are half gay, half straight. Part of them are attracted to men, like, the right hand side or something, and the other half is attracted to women.

Coming to terms with my bisexuality involved me realising that I had to accept that that’s not actually the case. If I put it bluntly, penis is far more attractive than vagina to me; they make more logical sense.

I can still be attracted to women, and often am. I have dated women exclusively so far – although admittedly that’s because I don’t want to tell my parents about me liking guys. That would be a disaster. They’re old fashioned, so they’d believe what many do – that I’m just gay. I’ve been a fair few women’s ‘gay best friends’, which, whilst not the worst thing, is still a little patronising.

I can still be attracted to women, and often am

It’s something my friends believed as well – I use friends in the past tense, because I have rid myself of them. But when I was going through a crisis of sexuality, when I was thinking that perhaps I was gay, they just found it funny.

It’s a confusing, horrible little world – every ‘decision’ I make is judged absolutely, because people believe that sexuality forms a massive part of people’s identities. I’m very in touch with my feminine side, so it was difficult for me to unravel what society says and give myself a definition.

It was difficult for me to unravel what society says and give myself a definition

For most of my life I’ve just stuck to ‘questioning’. I feel like whatever vestiges of a masculinity complex I used to have was what stopped me from wholly accepting who I am. Growing up, liking men was simply bad; not because liking men was immoral, but because being gay was the worst.

I’ll qualify that – it’s not that people think that the act of liking other men is bad, it’s the concept of gayness. An assumption of femininity, of weakness. In reality, it doesn’t matter if you like men or not – after all, gay is an insult which ignores that most important definer of homosexuality.

A masculinity complex I used to have was what stopped me from wholly accepting who I am

There was no such thing as bisexuality. There was only ‘attention seeking’, or the transition into being a fully transformed gay person. There’s a preconception about bisexual men – that they don’t exist. There are only the straights and the gays. This is incorrect.

I’m not gay, nor am I straight. And I’m certainly not half gay, half straight, because I think that’s virtually an impossibility. Coming to terms with my sexuality took me a long time, and I’m proud of it because it’s part of me. But it definitely does not define my personality in any way at all.

There’s a preconception about bisexual men – that they don’t exist

My favourite cheese, by the way, is Applewood smoked cheese. And that’s equally as irrelevant when judging me as a person.