Reader’s response: Why men also need consent

[dropcap]I[/dropcap]’m a male Warwick student and feel there is a side to the consent story that is seldom heard. I too have been the recipient of unwarranted attention on a nightclub dance floor. I usually hate nightclubs, but my friendship group had decided to head into Neon one night and I went along. Whilst waiting for some of the group to collect drinks at the bar, I wandered over to some other friends who were in the area immediately adjacent and started trying to have a conversation above the music. So there I was, trying my best to forget my misanthropy and try and be a normal human being when I feel something jab into my arsehole. There wasn’t direct penetration because I was wearing clothes, but something was definitely trying to wiggle its way in there.

if anyone sees a heated discussion between a man and a woman in a nightclub I would be assumed the aggressor and be either chaperoned away, kicked out completely or punched in the face

Naturally I assumed this was my mate returned from the bar. “All my mates are twats, this wouldn’t be that unusual I suppose”, I thought as I turned around. I was surprised to see nothing there when I looked; the space immediately in front of me was empty. I then looked down so see a girl sat on the floor grinning and waving up at me, her friends around her wearing facial expressions between bemusement and indifference.
I shook my head and walked away, there was nothing else I could do. I could try and have a word about that not being OK, but if anyone sees a heated discussion between a man and a woman in a nightclub I would be assumed the aggressor and be either chaperoned away, kicked out completely or punched in the face. No, the safest course of action for me was to meekly walk away and let this creep get away with trying to give me an impromptu prostate exam.
I felt a little bit sick. I would never dream of trying to poke the colon of a stranger in a nightclub, even if they begged me to do it. And here was this stranger brazenly acknowledging her rectal incursion in the middle of a crowded room. I just couldn’t understand firstly that someone would think that was an appropriate place to stick a finger, and secondly that they would show no shame when caught.

If a girl does it, it’s really funny […] If I do it, it’s a sexual assault

I told my mates of course, and my story was met with a mixture of laughter and disgust. And all the while, I couldn’t help but wonder how different this situation would have been if I was the one on the floor and she was the one minding her own business. I think there’s an incredibly small chance any anal intrusions on my part would have been welcomed as a quirky flirting tactic; I’m pretty certain the more likely outcome would have been a slap to the face, perhaps followed by a pasting from any friends in the immediate area and/or a sweaty tumble with a bouncer. If I did it, I’d be a villain and a monster. If a girl does it, it’s both really funny and I’m essentially powerless to protest. If I do it, it’s a sexual assault. If she, does it it’s banter.
I’m not trying to downplay insecurities and fears of women in these situations. I just want to say that often when these discussions are had, there is an implication that men are predatory and their victims are women. And I don’t dispute that this is a problem, but it does also go the other way, and I don’t feel that is always made clear.
While my size relative to my attacker meant that I was in a position to just be angry instead of afraid, my status as a man means that I’m expected to “be a man” and that I wasn’t really in a position to challenge this girl on her appalling behaviour. For some reason or other, society seems to think that my sphincter is less sacred than a woman’s, and I don’t think that’s right. The other issue is that this is a source of embarrassment for me and I don’t feel like I’m really able to talk about it seriously because there is a stigma attached to it.

The implication is that […] as a man my consent to unwanted advances is implicit

The only way I can acceptably bring this up when talking to people is as a light-hearted anecdote, but the reality is that I really just wanted to hit that girl in the face for assuming she had the right to wear me like a finger puppet. The implication is that as a man I need to seek consent from anybody I wish to engage physically with to avoid being labelled a sex pest, but also that as a man my consent to unwanted advances is implicit. That’s both a sexist attitude and one that I don’t think is that uncommon.
So I welcome Beth Hurst’s words as a message that people should behave themselves when they’re around other people and I agree that assumptions of truth in stereotypes are damaging. The stereotype I would like to challenge is firstly that as a man I’m OK with the expectation that I should silently deal with my problems when they arise, and secondly that my being a man gives you an implicit backstage pass to my back stage.
I’m choosing to remain anonymous for reasons I think should be obvious.

Read Beth Hurst’s article here.