Oi oi it's da Varsity boyz (sorry to the guys decapitated here). Photo: Tim Nunan

Varsity clockwatch: DAY FIVE

01:10: Okay so I promised we’d be back in 20 but it’s actually taken about two and a half hours. Sorry about that. But have you ever tried getting a bus back to Leamington from Coventry on a Saturday night? It was a nightmare, and walking around the place late of an evening whilst still sober is a bit of an odd experience, somewhat like being magically transported onto the set of Ken Loach film. I kept expecting to see Timothy Spall pop up from behind a bin. Anyway this is basically just a plug for the media coverage of our various societies. Firstly a big congratulations to our friends at RaW who provided some fantastic live commentaries throughout the event, as well as dedicated Varsity episodes on shows such as RaW Sport Not Out, Put it in the Mixer and Under the Sticks. The folks over at WTV also did a marvelous job, and you can revisit some of Warwick’s sporting glories this year over on their YouTube channel. And finally, don’t forget to pick up your copy of the Boar on Wednesday 11th February, which comes complete with a 20 page Varsity pullout. We’ll also be uploading match reports of the vast majority of Varsity events to our website in due course.

This is obviously the last clockwatch of the year and my last as sports editor. We’ve had over 2000 hits which is amazing, and it’s been great to see people interacting with the blog on Twitter. I think everyone on the team wants to say a big thank you to Coventry, you’ve been great sports and, not only has no one complained about the clockwatch (so far…) but we’ve even had a couple of emails from ‘enemy’ students who really liked the humour, which is great. And lastly a big congratulations to Ruby and Team Warwick! 25 years undefeated, that’s a quarter of a century of excellency. Here’s to another 25!

22:30: LADY GODIVA, PHILIP LARKIN, THE SPECIALS, THAT MASSIVE IKEA, TRUNKY THE ELEPHANT, THE NANDO’S CHICKEN, NANDO’S, THE MAGENTA ARMY- YOUR BOYS TOOK ONE HELL OF A BEATING! ONE HELL OF A BEATING! Warwick have won the Ice Hockey here 13-6 tonight, we’ve won Varsity 2015, and we’ve won the bloody thing for the past 25 years too. Ladies and gentleman, fans and competitors, you successfully harnessed the power of the Koan and have done us all proud. We did it: unshakeable, unforgiving, undefeated. Let’s all take a breather- I’m making a quick cameo on WTV and you should be making your way to the bar. We’ll be back for a quick round-up in 20, and then that’ll be it from the Varsity Clockwatch.

22:15: It looks like Emma Watson is off the cards, then. Absolutely magical stuff from Warwick; Liam Martin decides to take on the entire Coventry defence himself, Liam Neeson style, and just idly skates around a few tackles before flicking the puck past that poor old Coventry keeper. So casual it hurts. It’s now 13-6 and I think we can crack open the proverbial bubbly now.

22:10: It’s all getting a bit feisty here and there have been a couple of big checks as Coventry try desperately to build up a head of steam in order to mount a comeback more unlikely than me copping off with Emma Watson at Score tonight. Warwick are still pushing forward when possible, but the Cov defence has toughened and they’re counter attacking whenever possible. The atmosphere has changed just slightly, as the previous Warwick carnival is deafened by the roars of Coventry fans for their team to flood forward.

22:03: I knew posting that troll face was going to come back to haunt me. Sorry guys- this is my fault. Coventry enjoy a rare soiree forward and a decent shot from one of their men finds the net, to make it 12-5. And minutes later, they score another, to make it 12-6. Oh god I’ve really gone and done it, how do you delete things? I take it all back, forgive me!

22:00: Incredible scenes! Coventry have just found the net an amazing 9 times in 30 seconds, and they shockingly lead 13-12. Urm, I’m joking of course. Their attacker just missed an opportunity that even Ruby would have made, judging her previous form.

troll photo tumblr_lk4cdhyQeT1qainja.gif

21:55: And the third and final period is under way. And, unlike the previous two, we’ve started this one with a goal. Again the Coventry defence fail to get anywhere near the Warwick attackers, and the Warwick number 24 is totally unmarked to calmly slide the puck home. 11-4, and the impossible becomes that even more impossible for Coventry. What a shame. And- just as I go to click ‘update’- we make it 12-4. Coventry, have a word with yourself.

21:39: “Jizz in my Pants” is playing on the soundsystem. Rather appropriately really, it sums up the Coventry performance quite well. A very early flourish and then precious little else afterwards, leaving Warwick to mop up.

21:33: The mascots are back out. I’m sorry, but why the fuck is the Nando’s chicken traipsing about like he owns the place? Apparently whoever lobs a hockey puck closest to him wins a meal for four at the restaurant (seriously). Screw the meal, somebody hit him direct in his smug little cock face. Do it for vegetarians the nation over. Do it for lovers of decent food the world over. Just do it, please, it’ll be jokes.

21:25: End of the second period. I thought this was going to be a bit of a game! But instead Coventry have looked as threatening as a koala bear dressed in a pink tutu dancing to an S Club 7 song. Come on guys, try and provide some entertainment. You’ve got a few minutes off now, maybe grab yourselves a Lucozade and a Kit-Kat. Perhaps read the rules of the game on WikiPedia. Try for something. This is shameful.

21:22: Another clockwatch update, another goal. Have the Coventry Ice Hockey players been replaced by their Water Polo team or something? This goal was the funniest, and again it was Hiscock- although it wasn’t quite as picturesque as his previous effort. He nudges the puck towards goal and the keeper just sort of flops over it, about as elegantly as a 30 stone man attempting the high jump. 10-4.

21:18: 9-4! After that shocking start, who could have seen this coming? Isaac Leigh (20:42), that’s who- the guy must be Mystic Meg or something. And still Warwick press forward, an optimistic long shot narrowly passing wide.

21:17: God, that was a bit saccharine, wasn’t it? I think the clockwatch works better when it’s snarky and horrible. There’s a Coventry student sitting dead opposite me, all the way across the arena, who just got up from out of his seat to shout at something and tripped over. Hahahahaha- you idiotic Coventry student, gravity just got you good there you muppet. Sit down, shut up, etc.

21:14: An absolutely fantastic goal by Warwick’s Tom Hiscock to make it 8-4! He neatly slaloms around three desperate Coventry tackles to stab home at the far post, really great play and probably the goal of the evening. Just a quick word on the atmosphere: it’s fantastic here. We might have slightly less people in the arena but we’re comprehensively out-singing and out-shouting Coventry. Just brilliant from Warwick, on and off the ice.

21:12: The Coventry fans just started singing, finally, with a rendition of “who the fuck are Warwick Uni?” I really hope there’s a couple of people in the Coventry section who have got this far without realising, it wouldn’t surprise me. “So this Warwick Uni, you speak of, where is it? Do we play them often?”

21:07: Bit of self-promotion, there. Follow us at @BoarSport for long walks on the beach, great chat, good times and maybe more. Warwick should really be winning by more than two now, there have been so many goalmouth scraps that Coventry have somehow survived I’ve lost count. But that’s one they don’t survive- and it’s 7-4! Someone call a Doctor because those Cov players look shell-shocked out there. God it must be really awful attending Coventry, they don’t have much to smile about bless them. All they need is for Nigel Thrift to take up a teaching role there and their misery will be complete.

21:03: Get this, we’re winning 6-4! Two quickfire goals, and Coventry really can’t live with our attack. Twice we sweep forward, sliding shots under the bulk of the despairing Coventry keeper. A Coventry time-out is called, and the Warwick fans begin a “you’re not singing anymore” chant. To be honest they never really even started singing. The time-out ends and we’re still turning the screw, Warwick can smell blood here.

21:00: 4-4! Blimey, this game is all over the shop. And we nearly make it 5 from the re-start, if only we could get that lead! Also, there was a minor chuckle when a Warwick player carelessly dropped his stick and a Cov guy smacked it across the rink. What a tinker.

20:57: Updates might start slowing down a bit here, as my Wi-Fi is currently running as slowly as Cilla Black in a 100m sprint against Usain Bolt. Wearing her heels. The pains of being a student journalist, hey. First people think you’re a nerd, and now this. Humph. It’s still 4-3. Humph humph.

20:54: Finally! And after all that waiting, Coventry have gone and scored within 2 minutes of the restart, to make it 4-3. Well that’s not fair. It was a decent goal though, to be fair, and their level of intensity since the start of the second quarter has been higher. Warwick have a deficit to make up, once again,

20:49: We still haven’t started. In the time this game has been paused I have met a lovely girl called Sarah, and we have since married and had 3 children together. My youngest, Simon, has just graduated. England have also won the World Cup, twice, and the entire new Star Wars trilogy has been released, to mediocre reviews.

20:44: And my favourite multiple media hero, Rob Bowler:

I think the score’s going to be 10-9 Warwick. It’s been a great evening, make sure you catch the live RaW commentary and check out WTV highlights in the near future!

Great stuff from Rob, and really make sure you check that WTV coverage when it drops in the near future. He’s genuinely one of my heroes of Varsity 2015, a total pro who has almost single handedly turned WTV Sport into the fantastic organisation they are today and a really nice guy. Check their stuff on YouTube, if you don’t you deserve a hockey puck to the face.

20:42: We still haven’t started yet. God knows why, the players must be taking a quick trip up Mount Everest for some fresh air or something. In the meantime, let’s get a quick word from my favourite saab Issac Leigh:

I’m having a fantastic time and I feel so proud to be a Warwick student. And I know that we’re going to win 10-5, we’re going to smash it!

Isaac also just told me off for drinking on the job. But I promise it hasn’t impaired my abifes ijwvqaicjadm

20:35: The Nando’s chicken won the race. But the Warwick Bear and Coventry Elephant just had a punch up. Not really sure what else needs to be said.

20:30: Saab-update. Ruby lost. But don’t worry, because she just really sassily announced on the mic that Warwick have already won Varsity, to loud Warwick cheers. Utter lol at that. You might be better at shooting, Cov saab, but you’re a loser who attends an institution for losers who all study how to be losers. Loser. And now we have a mascot race. This is so much better than the hockey to be honest.

20:27: Ohmygawd tension. An official just moved the goal from its position and the loudspeaker man (emphasis on loud) told him to put it back. High drama. The reason it’s being left is because there’s going to be a shootout between the two sports officers. This is pretty much the only reason these guys are elected- it’s like the most important date in their calendar. No pressure Ruby!

20:25: And that’s the first quarter done and dusted. It’s 3-3 and Warwick can be really proud of how they came back from those very cheap 2 goals they threw away early on. On that period of play you really have to fancy Warwick’s chances from here on in.

20:23: A massive check on some poor old Coventry sucker! He’s going to feel that one in the morning, somebody buy him some Radox quick. “BREAK HIS LEGS”, someone enthusiastically shouts from the audience. That’s a bit much, mate (it’s not). Excessive violence is never amusing (it is).

20:18: The Coventry fans outnumber us Warwick folk quite heavily here, and yet they’ve been remarkably quiet. I guess it’s the shame of wearing all that magenta. They’re keeping their heads down. They haven’t had a lot to shout about these past few minutes though- and especially not now! Warwick tie things up at 3-3 with another nicely worked goal and predatory finish. Warwick have honestly bossed possession and it’s beginning to show.

20:15: 3-2! For a while the puck seemed magnetised to the side of the rink with both sides scrapping for possession, but suddenly Warwick had possession, and Josh Olly in space lifted his shut cutely into the net. Really good play. And it could so easily be 3-3 as Warwick have yet another shot hacked away from goal.

20:10: Couple of witty chants from the Warwick section of the crowd, the best received of which is “One day you’ll work for me”. I didn’t join in because I study Lit and I doubt I’ll need people working for me when I’m enjoying unemployment in four months time. Meanwhile, Coventry have just had someone sent to the sinbin for 10 minutes for checking from behind. The dirty bastards. Warwick are still knocking on the door, and it’s still 3-1 Cov.

20:05: I was right, there was a goal! But it went to Coventry. In fairness I don’t know why you’re listening to me. Idiot.

20:03: “Let’s go Warwick, let’s go!” just got its first proper airing though. Where are we actually meant to be going? We should all sing it and then all go to the bar together, that could be quite funny. Although inconvenient. Despite that awful start we’re actually starting to get the upper hand now, and we’ve had two good shots narrowly fly over the crossbar. We’ve had most of the territory too, the equaliser is on the cards folks, you heard it here first.

20:00: Ice Hockey is so hammy, I love it. A Coventry player comes together with a Warwick man in the faintest of collisions, as light as the chaste whisper of a beautiful butterfly, and everyone in the crowd goes absolutely ballistic. And suddenly Eye of the Tiger starts playing. Fantastic stuff, proper pantomime. All we need is for Widow Twanky to skate on and nut someone and the evening will be complete.

19:55: This game is proving far too quick for my shoddy wi-fi hotspot to handle. Coventry go 2-0 up with a strong shot before Warwick hit back instantly in slightly farcical circumstances, with our number 23 allowed to absent mindedly waltz through the utterly porous Coventry defence before finishing confidently. 2-1, and we’ve got a game on our hands. Which is good as that’s what we’ve all paid for.

19:52: WE’VE STARTED- COME ON WARWICK LET’S DO TH- oh bollocks they’ve gone and scored. 1-0 Coventry after a soft shot sneaks in at the keeper’s near post. Coventry rejoice. Blur come on the soundsystem. Warwick fans groan.

19:50: Deputy editor Shingi Mararike remaining professional:

Boo Coventry, boo, boo, boo. Boo.

19:49: We’re being asked to stand for the national anthem. Is that right? I thought that was an American thing. Everyone has stood up and I’m still sitting down, never felt more like a rebel in my life. Don’t even like the Queen that much anyway. The old fart. Getting back to business, and it’s a relatively disappointing start here, as several Warwick and Coventry players just patted each other on the back and brushed together in a good natured fashion. We don’t want that- we want claret to stain the white ice of the rink. Come on guys- get with the programme.

19:47: The Warwick players are out on the pitch. They’re skating around quite fast. The Prodigy is playing. The happiness and moral well-being of every single person in this arena depends on this.

19:42: That’s enough titting around for now. Let’s get to the serious stuff. And who can forget Warwick’s sensational 7-6 win last year, when we snatched victory from the jaws of defeat in the final seconds? It was great stuff and we’re all hoping for a repeat victory this year, to round off this Varsity in style. Coventry will fancy their chances however, as they won the previous four fixtures before last year’s Varsity upset.

19:40: The Warwick teddy bear mascot is going bonkers right in front of me. Seriously bonkers. Coventry seem to have the Nando’s chicken as their mascot which is a bit bizarre. Although oddly suitable, really. Oh hang on, they also have an elephant. This makes no sense. We’ve all fallen through the looking glass. Send help.

19:35: If you missed out on a ticket for this and you want some indication of what the atmosphere is like, pour a bag of ice cubes into the middle of your living room, grab yourself a novelty foam claw or plastic boomstick (from your copious supply, we’re sure), and put on some epic sounding 80s American rock music and turn the volume up to max. It’s loud. Seriously, it’s so loud. And I don’t care if that makes me sound old, I’m not risking tinnitus for this shit. Other than that I’m pumped. GO WARWICK. You’re my slightly mediocre university and I love you.

19:30: After the most frantic number 11 bus journey in the history of travel- WE HAVE MADE IT ON TIME TO THE VARSITY ICE HOCKEY. It’s a small miracle. So, pour yourself a cold one, strap yourself in, and prepare yourself for a Saturday evening you will absolutely never forget (applicable if your life has been relatively mediocre up until this point).

17:35: Last update for you now, and it’s from the Taekwondo. Did we win? The answer is either, a). Yes or b). Yes. Here’s Sam Nugent, hello Sam!

Coventry have brought some strong support here; they’re outnumbering the Warwick fans so far. Although I’m the only one with a foam claw, so there’s only one true fan really. Also the chap next to me has an open box of jaffa cakes but is yet to offer me one. I don’t even like them, but where’s the Warwick spirit? Anyway, there was drama in the first bout as 3 judges were taken out, with one falling backwards off her chair. That was about as exciting as things got, and Warwick eventually won 5-3.

17:25: Beed-de-be-beep-beep-beep. That’s the sound of an incoming sports update, folks. Over to you, Shingi Mararike:

Men’s Lacrosse second team captain Harry Bills put in an astounding performance, scoring 4 goals to lead his side to a 9-2 victory over Coventry. The visitors in magenta and blue started well but inevitably melted into typical Coventry mediocrity.

“Typical Coventry mediocrity”. I love it. The women’s team also won, 11-7, to finish off that tin of whoop-ass.

17:15: But in better news, our women’s rugby union team won 26-20. Our man Warren Muggleton was pitchside, and had this update at the end of the game.

After a delay to proceedings because of a confused pink-clad referee who thought the game started half an hour later, Warwick successfully held off a resurgent Coventry team to take home a deserved victory.

17:10: Coventry did actually win in something today, and unfortunately their success came in the Rugby League. I watched the whole game and it was a pretty disappointing experience, especially considering that we bossed the first half, against everybody’s expectations. We looked in firm control with a big 20-10 lead but unfortunately Coventry huffed and they puffed until they blew our metaphorical house down, and scored a match-winning try with just minutes left on the clock to snatch the tie 22-20. Sickening. I felt as nauseated as a pregnant parrot riding the seven seas, that’s how sick I felt. Belch.

17:00: Another sport, another win, another day, another dolla’. Our netball third team took on Cov at 11am and won 38-24. This is all getting rather boring, all I do is sit here and type about how great we are and how bad Coventry are. One day I’m going to break out and write a sweet little novel about a doomed romance in suburbia to mix things up a bit, but today is not that day. Two more points to us, hip hip huzzah.

16:55: Switching squash for badminton, now, and our teams have so far done us proud. The men’s second team prevailed through their early start to win 7-1, before the women’s first team romped to a 6-2 success. The men’s first team are still playing in their match against the old enemy, and we’ll bring you updates on that one when we have them. It’s strange, really, as you’d expect Coventry to be good at a game involving cocks (PMSL)!!!

16:51: Much love for you, Warwick Squashers, but you could probably do with some practice on Twitter. You put a little @ symbol before the name of people you’re trying to tag, my darlings.

16:50: The day’s sporting action began on the squash court where- get this- Warwick absolutely Muller cornered Coventry 10-0 in a game about as one-sided as a conversation with Katie Hopkins. The team only dropped two points over the whole game, and secured all four points on offer. I only knew one real fact about squash before this morning- that it’s one of the most physically exhausting sports you could ever wish to play- but now I know two. The second being that Coventry are quite crap. A perfect start to Strollhome Saturday for Warwick, then.

16:40: Oh my god, this is it. Nine days of Varsity action, 60 events competed in, and five sub-average gloriously constructed clockwatches. And, in just a few hours, it’s going to all be over. How emotional is that? Even more emotional than that bit at the end of Toy Story 3 when Woody and Buzz get violently killed (sorry /spoilers/)- that’s how much. Stick with us this Saturday evening as we bring you up to speed on all of the action from this last day of Varsity, before we provide you with an invigorating live commentary of the Ice Hockey. Cor, we aren’t half good to you. If you want to get in on the juicy action then simply comment below or hit us up on Twitter (@BoarSport), and we’ll feature your photographs and thoughts in all their wonderful eccentric glory.

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