How to lose a guy in 10 dates

No men were harmed in the making of this article, claims Rebecca Myers…

At Valentine’s, the patriarchy has bullied you into thinking your usual plans of a cheeky bit of laundry are no longer the ‘done thing.’ In a stroke of luck, you’re able to conform to the joys of heteronormativity and bants since a guy you’ve occasionally had a vague crush on has asked you out. Then, faster than you can say ‘commercialised soppy bullshit,’ you realise you’re not that keen on him after all. Here’s how to snake your way out of romantic entanglement without just saying ‘I’m not that into you’ like a decent human. Because that would be boring.

1. The cinema

An obvious choice, you might think. You’re wrong. With such gems as The Theory of Everything and Fifty Shades of Grey currently gracing the big screens, you’re either in for watching a love you can never hope to replicate, or watching sex you’re never going to get. Effectiveness: a cool 6/10

2. Kelsey’s

Steel yourself for some eliminator and count down the seconds before your date tries to unstick his shoes from the floor to leave. Effectiveness: 7/10 with the help of a drunk who’s been there since 10am.

3. Games Workshop

Photo: Kjetil Ree / Flickr

Nip down the winding streets of North Leam and relish handling that tiny paintbrush. Hold out for the moment you get cramp and fuck up four and a half hours of work WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SO SODDING SMALL ANYWAY FOR GOD’S SAKE Effectiveness: 4/10. All the squinting at the tiny paint sent you blind and you couldn’t get home so they escorted you back and thus felt affinity with some knight in shining armour nonsense.

4. Japanese food outlets

Nothing says “do you want to fuck me?” like trying to nom up raw salmon through the small gap between 8 ends of noodles and your soy sauce covered lips. Effectiveness: 7/10, subject to dish choice.

5. GUM clinic

Your attendance says: one, I take my sexual health seriously; two, I take other people’s sexual health seriously. Add in the prospect of a first date couples’ trip and you have “it’s only a small rash! I just thought it’d be FUN!” Effectiveness: 8.5/10

6. Vialli’s

Unidentifiable meat. That is all. Effectiveness: 9/10

Photo: Vanessa Pike-Russell / Flickr

7. The Jet

Nothing says romance like a deep-rooted fear of being beaten up. Tell your date that, while you believe in feminism, you still like your men macho. Then hit the nearest drunkard over the head and shout ‘fight!’ If you’re lucky, you’ll get a lift in the ambulance back to the church. Effectiveness: 8/10

8. Tuscano’s

A sizzling hot date has never been so literal. Treat your date to a whopping 5/5 on the hygiene rating scale (everyone likes a clean gal), and bide your time until something goes up in flames. Hopefully your date’s interest in you. 5/10

9. Smack

In case you didn’t get the memo, this is where sex becomes less appetising than a costcutter corned beef sandwich, and love goes to die at the bottom of a Jägerbomb. Scope here for seeking out a delicious, sweaty, gropey alternative. Effectiveness: 4/10. Might actually make you like the guy, after all.

10. Valentine’s Stone Carving Workshop for Adults

This is a real thing. And, for the bargain price of £15, it can be yours, along with a gargoyle to give to your loved one. Bonus points for carving their face. EXTRA CREEPY.