The Most Awkward Romances in Gaming

Bull in a China Shop

I love Bioware games, and always have. The mix of exploration, conversation and epic scale has always appealed to me. As you are probably aware, these games also include romance scenes. Usually, that’s fine. But with Dragon Age: Inquisition, this led to a moment so intensely awkward that I go red just thinking about it. For Inquisition, I was trying something different. I was playing as a female, and an elf, so I thought, let’s be different for romance as well. So naturally, I chose Iron Bull, the muscular Qunari, played to perfection by Freddie Prinze Jr. Now you may be asking why this is awkward. Well…

During one of the Iron Bull scenes, where the naked Inquisitor lies alongside Iron Bull, whilst discussing safe words, the worst thing possible occurred. My mother walked in. She knows what games are like, and has seen scenes of this ilk before. But then, it was fine, it was with human characters (i.e. Miranda Lawson, Morrigan). This time however, she looked at the screen, and what was happening, and then looked at me with utter confusion (and perhaps a hint of terror) in her eyes. Explaining to your mother what a Qunari is, and why one of them was just lying there naked is impossible, believe me. After a while, she walked out, still silent. That one moment was so awkward, I will never live it down. Thanks videogames!

Joe Clarke

The Binding Cocoon

Jade Cocoon’s binding ceremony: at first glance this iconic JRPG scene is one of serenity, unity and an overwhelming feeling of calm aided by the flute driven atmospheric soundtrack and Studio Ghibli-based visuals (with character designer Katsuya Kondo). The protagonist Levant marries his childhood friend and sweetheart Mahbu in a religious ceremony designed to link them in spirit as well as law. Light shines down from the ceiling as the priestess Garai recites ancient rites and her voice echoes with prayers to the gods of the forest. It’s all very Princess Mononoke. When put in the context of the narrative however, this marriage is actually something of an awkward and uncomfortable situation.

Both Levant and Mahbu are (at least by western standards) considerably underage, and Levant is one of those famous unspeaking gaming protagonists you hear (or don’t hear) so much about, and as such can only mutely nod as he and his young bride are hurried into a marriage neither of them agree to, for the “good of the village”. Later in the story Mahbu expresses a profound nostalgia for her innocence, before she was forced into marriage and thereby into sewing the souls of captured demons into cocoons for Levant, a process which renders her unable to walk and eventually drives her to the brink of death; an apparently expected outcome of such marriages! So to be sure you don’t end up in a similar situation readers, check your valentine isn’t a cocoon master first…

Max Elgar

Heavy Pain

Heavy Rain is certainly one of the more polarising games of last generation. Not everyone was convinced by the sustained milk-drinking segment of the game’s opening, and I can’t be the only one who thought that the drug-addicted police agent was trying to be John Travolta the whole time. Nevertheless, can we all agree there’s one bit that definitely didn’t need to exist, let alone be interactive via its infamous QTEs’. It’s the sex scene between two-time winner of the Most Irresponsible Father of the Year award Ethan Mars, and his irrelevant-nightmare sufferer pal Madison Paige.

Yes, despite Ethan having just murdered a man as part of a series of Saw-like challenges to save his kidnapped son, Madison sees a perfect opportunity to get her leg over for some steamy romance. They should’ve just gone the whole hog and used the leftover candles from his dead son’s vigil to create the mood. Or maybe they could’ve invited the Origami Killer over for some light bondage. Who knows, he seems a bit quirky. You can back out of course by hitting the “don’t kiss” button (riveting as always) but, as my friends will tell you, I’m basically Casanova reincarnated, so that was never an option. I very quickly realised my mistake, as Ethan launched into Madison’s mouth, clumsily clipping into her lips for some time before making love to her with a soundtrack of slurp-gasping more horrifying than anything I’ve heard before. And I was brought up listening to M People, for Christ’s sake. It’s a scene that could only be made more awkward if the kidnapped Shaun had walked in at that moment, covered in the Origami Killer’s blood and holding a red balloon that said, “I love you Daddy” on it.

Joe Baker

Not everyone was convinced by the sustained milk-drinking segment of the game’s opening

A Howling Death

While the bizarre (and unfortunately fan-made) Dragon Age 2 scene of Varric heartily burying himself into Hawke’s breasts as she snogs the air above the dwarf’s head will always be the awkward romance worthy of legitimate existence, one real Final Fantasy X scene is so clumsy it almost seems to be doing its best to rip up, stamp on and torch the mangled scraps of love between its protagonists. The cutscene, of course, is infamous. Repaying Tidus for teaching her how to whistle, Yuna has him practice laughing out loud – and he could use it, because he’s been a miserable bugger up until this point. I’m pretty sure Nojima, Watanabe and Toriyama wrote the dialogue to be an adorable moment of romantic bonding, but English-version Tidus’ following hammy car-crash of a guffaw really is the final nail in this long-dead roadkill excuse for pubescent love.

If the cutscene is just plain embarrassing at first, it actually becomes hilarious for all the wrong reasons, as the camera cuts to the rest of the party staring stiffly from the sidelines. Wakka sports one of JRPGs most weirdly inappropriate half-grins and Tidus’ manical “HAR HAR HAR” still warbles on a fabulous atmospheric accompaniment, like Gollum being tortured in the background. It’s golden unintentional comedy that peaks at Yuna’s urge, ‘You probably shouldn’t laugh any more.’ Yes. Please, for God’s sake, stop. Whatever Tidus is, swarthy Casanova he is most certainly not, and like the rest of us otherwise fans of the game, you might just be inclined to step outside for a loo break whenever ‘loony laughter scene’ rears its head. Or you could mutilate your eardrums by listening to it on ten-hour repeat on YouTube.

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