Coach Trip

Coach Trip

Two fundamental human interests are exploration and people watching, and both have been explored quite extensively in the world of television. From the days of Columbus, mankind has sought out new worlds and new sights to captivate and expand its mind, and the popularity of the travel show was designed with this very intention. People would tune in to see toad in a wig and ironically-chosen beauty pageant host Judith Chalmers or Walter Gotell-alike Cliff Michelmore (a reference carefully chosen to exclude everyone likely to read this article) explore the world.

Similarly, with people watching – the thrill of observing others is a captivating one, enabling one to pass the time on a bus or a train, imagine what the lives of others are like. Again, this thrill has been emulated (to a hideous degree) in television, more obvious examples being prime dullfest Big Brother and horror B-movies like Made in Chelsea.

Why am I rambling about this? Channel 4 has fused the two, creating Coach Trip. The premise is that pairs go on a coach, exploring Europe, with a different location each day. They engage in activities, and when the day comes to an end, have the chance to vote for the pair they least like, earning a yellow card. Two yellow cards, and you’re off the coach. As is typical in such an enclosed setting with the threat of elimination over their heads like a raincloud, tensions rise and fighting ensues, leading to TV executives rubbing their hands in delight and drinking from chalices filled with blood.

We are on series 10 (no, really) and we kick off with meeting the pairs in Scarborough. The tour guide is Brendan Sheerin (secret lovechild of Gregg Wallace and Mike Reid), a man so annoyingly effusive you’d want to hit him within microseconds of having met him. He’s like a fat Louis Spence.

And then, having met Brendan, we meet the latest gang of Brits (read: chavs and old people) who will be joining him on the coach. They are: best friends Liam (random nerdy character) and Georgy (TOWIE does a fat Hilda Ogden), married couple Terry (village paedophile) and Julie (the years have not been kind – more alarmingly, she works as a life model – oh God, my eyes!), twins Rebecca (a dopey curtain rail – her voice sounds like she’s had a lobotomy) and Stephen (Windows 8), lovers Emma (Pink working in a sandwich shop) and Mike (a grapefruit in glasses), best friends (and latent homosexuals)  Will (slab of meat) and Craig (so many gawky people on this coach – it’s like a Star Trek fan convention), females Natasha (a bear in a frock) and Caitlin (because who said classy was a good look?) and, finally, Carole (the corpse of  Ingrid Tarrant) and Ann (Hazel Blears). From the introductions to these characters, it becomes immediately apparent you will hate all of them.

But that’s not enough, so we have a little intro session on the coach – highlights include Georgy likes looking good (I’m saying nothing) and Stephen is a cesspit salesman. That’s how you make friends, folks. Then, Brendan gets down to business and explains the day’s plan – he has an annoying habit of shouting random words and expecting whooping from his captive audience.

They wind up in Scarborough and go to make their own fish and chips, an activity everyone in the group looked enthralled by. Some got to fillet, some got to make batter – both sides had people struggling with the incredibly easy tasks, and then Terry had the good idea of introducing a tongue-twister to the mix, which practically finished Georgy off. It could not be the holiday of your dreams more.

Part two, and the group is heading for a caricature class – we met caricaturist George, who tried to teach this group of incredibly thick people how to draw something they were looking at. To add spice to proceedings, Brendan split the pairs up for the drawings so they could get to know each other – predictably, the drawings were crap and the interactions cold. Everyone found the pictures quite funny, except Georgy who took offense at the frankly and justifiably horrific drawing of her and tore it up.

The day’s fun out of the way, we moved onto the vote. The way it works is spine-chillingly horrible – standing in a semi-circle like some sort of cult, each pair takes it in turns to choose who they are voting for and then to offer a reason why, normally deconstructing the selected victim in the process. Early on in the process, people don’t know each other and so choose based on whom they haven’t properly met, but it very quickly becomes character assassinations and vitriol.

Most of the votes headed towards Liam and Georgy, with Georgy in particular responding very badly to the comments made about her. The point of any show like this is making personalities clash, and she is the ideal person for this. After the vote, in which they got the yellow card, the coach headed to Hull to catch a ferry for Amsterdam, and we left our group.

The idea is to paint the trip as a dream getaway but, as with all holidays, going with other people inevitably leads to hostility – the kind of deep-rooted hatred that fosters inside you forever – the show presents itself as focusing on travel, but really it is just another horrible reality programme. The only difference is that it’s on wheels. Really, the only way to enjoy it is to imagine it’s like Speed.

And don’t worry – it’ll drop below 50 soon…