To be or ITV Be?

Welcome to ITV Be.

If there is one criticism that isn’t raised often enough regarding television, it’s that the selection of channels is too small, and the range of subjects covered is so negligible that it would struggle to pad out a poorly written pub quiz. It’s all full of dramas, and documentaries – how boring – with not nearly enough attention paid to the world of lifestyle. Indeed, when I turn on the TV, it is nigh-on impossible for me to watch people trying to find love, brides going over the top with their weddings or continuous high-octane drama amongst the residents of Essex, London or New Jersey – sometimes, I decide to turn the telly off and stare at the blank screen in a state of existential angst rather than concern myself with another helping of conventional broadcasting.

Fortunately, ITV have heard my internal monologue (mostly screaming) and created a new channel. As I write, ITV Be has been on the air for a few days, and the constant scheduling of top quality programming has made it a real treat. It kicked off, however, with a launch party – a look ahead to the exciting things to come – and such an event needed equally impressive hosts. These were found in Jamelia (a post-lobotomy Grace Jones) and Peter ‘I really love my kids’ Andre, a man so despicably dull he could easily have been replaced by dead air and no-one would’ve noticed, let alone complained. He has two interesting character traits – he was once knocking about with Katie Price, and the fact that he is Australian.

The show kicked off in a horrific mansion setting that spelt out all the shows coming to the screen, before shifting to a dingy nightclub. Apparently, they are going to celebrating with some of the channel’s biggest stars – joy for everyone when this turned out to be the cast of every show they intended to air and, as a special correspondent, Rylan Clark (a stick insect’s body with the head of a gay Desperate Dan). I couldn’t make small-talk with Peter Andre – he’s a man I’m convinced is unable to form his own words.

To amplify the excitement, we were treated to a special celebrity Dinner Date featuring Joe Swash, a pantomime Buttons-come-true who would give Andre a run for his money in the closeness to primordial goo stakes. We were treated to his analysis of menus (‘chicken proves she’s ball-SAY’) and he chose three identikit female replicants I wasn’t able to give the slightest toss about. This saga went on throughout the night, leading to many cliff-hangers that wouldn’t draw you back. We also had a beginner’s guide to TOWIE (sigh), showcasing more complex relationships than a Norfolk family tree, before the cast came into the studio to bore the tits off everyone.

Then, after this horrific display of things to come, we were told to stay tuned for TOWIE  in Ibiza, just in case these two hours hadn’t mashed your chromosomes into a blissful pulp – this, and seemingly infinitely more, with be available now every day – just head to channel .

Or not.

You know what the right call is.

To give you a low-down on some of the channel’s many hits, we have:

Beauty and the Geek: Gawky losers are paired with painfully stupid breasts-with-a-human to compete for money, whilst apparently learning more about human interaction and becoming closer to the depressing social crevasse of normality forever.

Dinner Date: Lunatics and weirdoes who are clearly alone for a reason go to each other’s houses, endure excruciating company and meals before eventually choosing not to see each other again anyway. A celebrity version is also in the works, for the type of people who’d like to be paired up with the kind of person you’d find on ITV Be. A more upbeat alternative is jumping in front of a train.

Ladies of London: British ice queens and American airheads socialize in the upmarket London world, deriving a lot of humour from the culture clash between the steely, stiff upper-lip nature of own home-grown socialites in comparison to the screaming hyperbole machines that are the Yanks.

   Minors in Designer: Despicable looking show concerning itself with extortionate fashion for children – for mummys that would love precious more if he knew how to colour co-ordinate his outfit with his toys.

Seven Days With…: A series in which a celebrity couple spend a week with cameras following every moment of their days, because nothing screams ‘celebrity lifestyle’ like watching Brian McFadden learn how to use the washing machine. Still, if it keeps him away from Who’s Doing The Dishes?…

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Beverly Hills, Cheshire, Miami, New Jersey, New York City, Orange County: Bitchy bimbos go about their inexplicably extravagant lives doing nothing of any worth, showing off their mansions, wealth and staff in a horrible display guaranteed to cause many viewers to have suicidal thoughts. It’s a show for people who want to be ‘fabulous’ and who are only able to say the word in a high-pitched squeal.

TOWIE: Bizarre hit in which sexy Autons scream at each other in Pidgin English, have sex with each other and sit, making dull conversation that couldn’t function as filler even in Hollyoaks. Most famous for introducing the concept of the ‘vajazzle,’ or vaginal decoration, so good luck with that.