The Rotten Apple

Reece Goodall recounts his week in New York, and how he found the core of the apple to be less than fresh.

Saturday 28th June

I wound up in the airport very early and was stuck sitting around forever. The plane journey is rather long, and you definitely need something to do – in my case, it turned out to be sitting with a man who suffered both from garrulousness and halitosis. JFK was like an airport on red alert. There’s a woman whose sole job it is to tell people which queue to stand in – I couldn’t think of a more boring way to pass your time. You’d want a good wage for that. I caught a yellow taxi, which was something I was ordered to do. The taxi driver barely spoke a word of English – the word ‘hotel’ flummoxed him, so I don’t know how he survived in that job so long.

photo: flickr/Damianos Chronakis

My hotel was a bit distressing – it’s the sort of place that terrorist hostage videos are recorded. My first impression is that everything is giant – buildings, the McDonalds (though that is good, as you order an extra-small and get a UK large) and even urinals – I could’ve taken a bath in one of them. I don’t know how people walk around in suits, as the place is so humid it’s intolerable.

Sunday 29th June

My first full day – I walked to Times Square, which was full of tourists stopped in the middle of paths to take photographs. I wandered around to take it all in, and then came across a Marvel Avengers exhibition in a museum. The premise was that you were in training to become a full S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, which mostly meant the tour people shouted at you. I bought tickets for Aladdin, and then went to Ripley’s ‘Believe It or Not’. There was a guy outside called the Bug Chef, who was cooking them and offering them to whoever passed. I really enjoyed them (minus the tarantula leg) and it beat paying for lunch.[pullquote quote=”dark”]I was tackled to the ground and nearly arrested. Apparently, quipping “I didn’t realise the tour was interactive” didn’t help my case[/pullquote]

Ripley’s, as ever, was good and filled with freaky stuff. This one has the world’s largest collection of shrunken heads, as well as a lot of torture tools and some weird animals. I spent a fair few hours in there, before deciding to wander back. On the way, I found the M&M store, which depressed me massively – they’ve essentially taken any piece of tat, bunged one of the characters on it and are selling it for far too much. They had about forty colours of M&M, which would be nice if they didn’t all taste the same anyway – it’s a shop for people with more money than sense.

Monday 30th June

I decided to take a circuit of Central Park in order to see some museums. The park itself was nice enough, but it was unnecessarily large, and I got a bit fed up. It seemed like they knew it wasn’t that interesting, so the Yanks filled it up with other stuff so you wouldn’t get bored – whilst wandering, I found a zoo, a castle, some tennis courts and an ice rink. You really get the feeling they’re compensating for promising a lot and just delivering a run-of-the-mill park.

photo: flickr/Phil Roeder

I came to the Guggenheim, but it was expensive and I don’t like art enough to warrant the ticket price. Next on my list was the Met, which was okay. It’s a giant building, with whole halls dedicated to specific cultures or historical periods. Problem is, it goes on forever – it was like the park. Every little bit of pottery they found, they stuck in a case – I would’ve been happy if they’d cut it by half and just shown the good bits. In the end, I cut out half the exhibits and went straight to weapons, before I left. In hindsight, packing all the museums into the same day may not have been the best idea, as when I got to the Natural History Museum, I was operating under a ‘do-it and get-out’ mentality. It was mostly sculptures of animals in cages – the best bits are the dinosaur statues, and they’re in the entrance, so you don’t even have to go in.

I went to Domino’s, which I also thought was a bit naff – nothing on the menu is the same as at home, so I settled for a stuffed bread. Then, back at the hotel, I watched 24 over some loud Irish people, who shouted about drink and planned a night out so everyone in the building knew it was going on.

Tuesday 1st July

I had a late start, so I decided to wander down to Turtle Bay to see the UN. I went inside with a tour group, and I was tackled to the ground and nearly arrested. It turns out you need to book the tours in advance and they thought I was breaking in. Apparently, quipping ‘I didn’t realise the tour was interactive’ didn’t help my case. I went to the Public Library, which was less interesting than I expected. I heard a woman giving a tour, who said there was a newspaper room in which you could enter and read a paper from any copy in print. I went in – you had to fill out forms and wait for an hour – I couldn’t be bothered with that, so I left. Saw the Empire State Building – it’s a tall building. There are enough of them about, so I didn’t find it very interesting. Then, to the Nintendo Store, which I thought was great, although the game pods were filled with the kind of show-off children you would happily smack.

It was the night of Randy Newman’s Faust: The Concert, which was the primary purpose of my visit. I turned up to a packed theatre, and watched the show – it was incredibly funny and filled with beautiful songs. I’d heard them before, but never attached to the story, and it made it all much more fulfilling. Plus, there’s a joy to watching live performance that can’t be matched, and when Newman sang ‘Feels Like Home’, it brought the house down. It was well worth the flight.

[pullquote quote=”dark”]The store had about forty colours of M&M, which would be nice if they didn’t all taste the same anyway – it’s a shop for people with more money than sense.[/pullquote]Afterwards, I hung around the back of the theatre, standing with an old woman who was insistent everyone pet her dog and two of the cattiest girls I’ve ever heard, and I met Randy Newman. He signed programmes and had photos with everyone, and then he stood around and chatted with me for half an hour. When he found out how far I’d come, he arranged backstage tickets for me in England – he was such a lovely man – he couldn’t have been nicer.

Wednesday 2nd July

After a copious amount of walking, my feet were blistered and horrible. I was going to see Aladdin on Broadway, so I fashioned some makeshift plasters with the Bug Chef sticker and some fluff I pulled from my coat. I only managed a couple of blocks before I gave up, so I decided to get the subway, which it turns out is very cheap and handy. It is essentially the Underground, but tinny and more humid. People were talking, which I was unused to, as doing so on the Tube would cause everyone else to death-glare you until you clock on and vanish into a hole in the ground, eternally ashamed of yourself.

Aladdin was excellent – I expected as much from a Disney Broadway show. It restored all the deleted songs from the film, and was very funny. Jonathan Freeman, who played Jafar in the film, played him again and it just added to the familiar vibe. On the down side, I was sat next to a family of Italians, who wouldn’t shut up, and I was right next to the door – thus, I was very conscious of people coming and going. One guy left five times during Act One – I know Americans have a reputation for always eating, but this guy was pushing it.

I limped to a pharmacist and covered my feet, before getting back to the hotel. It rained, causing all the rubbish on the street to emit toxic fumes – I decided to stay in. I watched White House Down, a naff piece of action which was devised so filmmakers could blow up the White House. It’s a good thing that it barely had anything in terms of plot as there were ten shouting Germans drinking heavily in the lounge area.

Thursday 3rd July

I was going to stay in and rest my feet, but I decided to go out to Times Square and finish gift buying. Two things about Americans – firstly, they are as friendly as everyone says, to the extent that I started to find it annoying. It is an odd sight to see people doing menial jobs with a smile on their face, but they take pride in their work and that is an attitude I admire. A misconception is that they are always in a hurry – on the contrary, I found they all walked as if each step was their first, which gets very tiring when you’re behind them trying to get by. I thought path etiquette was bad at the uni, but these guys were taking the mick.

photo: flickr/Trey Ratcliff

Via a fluke of shopping, I wandered from store to store with relative ease, grabbing what I needed quite quickly. I decided then to head downtown and see the remaining sights. I shouldn’t have bothered. I was disappointed with the Statue of Liberty – it’s not particularly big, nor that impressive. I didn’t stick around for the tour. I went to the 9/11 memorial, but the tickets were far too costly and I didn’t go in. I went back to the hotel – the storm properly hit that night, leaving the streets like Venice. People went out to smoke and came back drowning victims.

Friday 4th July

My original plan was to stay in and spend a quiet day, now that I’d done everything I wanted to do, but I thought I ought to do something for Independence Day. In the end, this became a trip to the Brooklyn Bridge for the Macy’s fireworks and concert. I headed down early, which turned out to be a good plan and people were swarming in by the busload. I ran into Miss U.S.A., who was okay but I didn’t see all the fuss. I suppose it’s just another thing for the Americans to get excited about.

photo: flickr/whatisintheblackbox

This concert was alright – there were quite a few people I didn’t know, but I recognised Lionel Ritchie, Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande. Then, we were subjected to half an hour of fireworks, which quickly became boring, while a brass band and a choir sang America songs. Then, to top it off, Idina Menzel came on and sang ‘The Star Spangled Banner’. They lapped it up – they are very proud over there. I slipped away early, which was like swimming against a strong tide, and back to the hotel.

Saturday 5th July

The main attraction today was going home, which I looked forward to now. I was picked up at the hotel by a crazy aggressive Spanish woman, who drove like the streets were a rally track, and arrived at the airport quite early. I assumed customs would be an ordeal, but I breezed through, leaving me with hours and hours. There was nothing to do at the airport, as the only options were food shops. The flight was delayed, so we left in the middle of the night. The plane was fancy and new, and it wouldn’t shut up about it – it kept going on about all its special features, which I had a chance to check through the night, as I learned a baby can scream and cry for seven consecutive hours without a break. I arrived back home cranky and exhausted, but glad to be back – as nice as America was, I much prefer England.