The Great British Bake Off – BinGate

The Great British Bake Off is a surprise ratings hit – set in a parallel version of Midsomer where there are no murders, it’s like a glimpse into Nigel Farage’s hungry subconscious. Designed for people who think Masterchef is too intense – they can’t abide mopey sock puppet John Torode and fat arrogant bastard Gregg Wallace – and nearly have a heart attack when Gordon Ramsey contorts his depressed ballsack face into expressions of pain and cursing, it should be the farther thing away from any form of controversy, or indeed any emotional level aside from smug middle-class contentment.

So imagine the shock when this week, an outrage occurred. Nothing could ever be the same after this shocking incident, and the show’s future was in jeopardy as anarchy seemed to reign. Things went mad – Mary started cursing like a sailor, Paul Hollywood got back with his wife, a man decided to fry something, cackled loudly and began having rampage, graphic sex with an egg whisk. Of course, such an occurrence had to have begun somewhere.

This is not for the faint hearted – Iain Watters (a sort of lovechild of Aslan and a diseased tramp), as with all the contestants, was taking part in the desserts round. He was attempting to make a Baked Alaska, and it was removed from the freezer by Ann Widdecombe strip-o-gram Diana. As such, it didn’t set, and in his frustration, he decided to bin it and storm off, Sue Perkins to speechlessness and his fellow contestants to stupor and secret delight. Having not presented a dish to our judges, Stepford grandma Mary Berry and sexy silverback gorilla-turned-Bond villain Paul Hollywood (in the American remake, he’d be played by Powers Boothe) decided to eliminate him and… well, that was that, really.

So, what’s the fuss?

People were outraged as they didn’t expect it, but what could they do? A slight bit of overstatement for a little incident in a show never harmed anyone, did it?

pictured: Poor Ian.
source: BBC

Iain and Diana have spoken out to say that they are both over it, and it was just an unfortunate problem – maybe he was unfairly out, but what can you do? Send in the trolls, with hundreds of anonymous cyber cretins leaping to Twitter and message boards to slander an old lady who was appearing on a genial cooking show. Calls for her death and her merciless torture were found everywhere, and Diana struggled to respond to these accusations of sabotage and treachery. Every reality show needs a villain, and she felt the BBC had made a scapegoat out of her – after all, executives were not ashamed to say that they knew this would push the ratings up, and it has been played for all it was worth.

The media wanted to join in, but they couldn’t jump on the bandwagon and wish oblivion on a harmless pensioner – thus, they went for the general news extreme of milking other details. They brought in Diana and Iain for endless, tedious interviews that discussed nothing, but pushed each towards a spite-filled, hateful outburst, and they filled up the other hours of news with typical twaddle. They asked experts about the best way to make Baked Alaska, they asked TV critics about the entertainment value and cultural significance of the episode and most upsettingly of all – and I am genuinely not making this up – they showed pictures of the bin and got experts to discuss the bin.

And they say 24-hour rolling news was a bad idea.

Everything was milked, like the shameless cash cow the media is, producing nothing but sour milk and the angry sighs of an eternally damned nation. Eventually, something else with happen – extremists will kill some innocents, or another celebrity will die – and this debacle will be forgotten, leaving Iain to get on with his life of naked rambling and copulating with farm stock while Diana remains shaken, forever remembering how see was once the hate object of a nation and crying into her elderberry jam.

Most upsettingly of all – and I am genuinely not making this up – they showed pictures of the bin and got experts to discuss the bin.

The show posed the question ‘what will happen next?’ and I can answer with startling accuracy – the show will go on as before and nothing will change. It will continue to hold onto its pretence of respectability and aspiring bakers will keep rocking up, presenting fruit loaf and such for our masters Berry and Hollywood until the last syllable of recorded time.

And no-one will ever mention ‘the incident’ again but, dear reader, please remember that for one depressing week, The Great British Bake Off was home to a recipe for the most despicable display of human hatred ever shown on primetime television.