Editors’ Letters: Memoirs of a night out

At the end of every university year it’s always the same: students take an extra dose of nostalgia pills and reflect on all the good times they’ve had with friends as they look ahead to the future. This year I won’t be doing that; instead, this is an open letter apologising for all the havoc I’ve caused.

To the guy I took it upon myself to teach how to ‘kiss like a pro’, I’m not quite sure what came over me. You weren’t that bad; you just weren’t what I was looking for that night. I honestly thought I was helping you. It wasn’t until later I realised how obnoxious I must have sounded. I apologise.

To my friend who aggressively invaded my mouth only to be met with equal aggressiveness, I’m sorry we spent the rest of the night taking it in turns to slap each other. I had just finished reading 50 Shades for the second time and I thought we were doing a scene. You didn’t deserve to wake up the next morning with a sore face. I apologise.

To my friend that experienced what I’m like when I try and be frugal: tashing on with you doesn’t excuse me not getting you a birthday present. I’d like to say I was saving up for something big but I wasn’t and although you try to deny it, I still believe you got exactly what you wanted. Happy birthday, I apologise.

To my friend that still has video evidence of our drunken hook up, it’s not that I forgot that we shared such a beautiful experience, it’s just that when you reminded me about it at dinner my mind was somewhere else. You were magical. I apologise.

To the guy that claims I drew blood when I bit him, sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between being a human and being a vampire. It’s an issue I will one day deal with…just not today. I apologise.

To the guy I got with even though I knew you were gay, I think maybe I felt like offering you a new experience. I wasn’t trying to change you, I like you just the way you are. It was a bonding experience for the both of us. I apologise.

To my friend that keeps trying to make-out every time we get drunk together, I know you take it personally when I reject you but you catch me off guard and my first response is to scream no. It’s not you…it’s me. I apologise.

To everyone else that didn’t get a mention, it’s not that you weren’t memorable I happen to be on a very strict word limit. I apologise.

If you happen to be affected by any of the anecdotes shared here, feel free to take it up with me in person. You never know, you might become the subject of my next article.