Pork Scratchings: Essays and sex

**As we approach Christmas it seems some encouragement is in order. So as you sit down to write your latest academic offering consider this: writing an essay is like having sex. That’s an odd comparison to make. So, allow me to explain…**

Essays, like sex, begin in the mind of the creator. Unfortunately essays, like sex, are also far better in the mind of the creator, before reality has the chance to intervene and remind you of your mediocre abilities, poor topical knowledge and frequently substandard staying power.
Both are lonely endeavours, racked with self-doubt and judged successful almost entirely through external critique. You may believe your writing/sex to be god’s gift to art, but if the target audience is left feeling empty and none the wiser to your, ahem, point – well, you might just as well give up.

The similarities do not, erm, climax there. Some days writing comes fast and freely, on others it’s a long and slow process, drawn out and potentially – though not by necessity – painful and dull.

You can also approach both essays and sex in a number of different ways. For instance, sometimes, you’ll try something once only to reject it in disgust and never return. Meanwhile, other habits become so familiar or pleasing as to be labelled ‘style’ and embraced forever more.
Writing an essay may often begin with careful planning, which is what foreplay surely is to coitus, but on other occasions it is disregarded in a flurry of spontaneity and passion.
Essay writing and intercourse are ultimately two pursuits which leave the participant utterly exhausted by the conclusion. And what’s more, one way or another, most are back struggling to do both before very long.