How to survive ‘The Games’

For the past seven years, all that’s been talked about is the Olympics coming to London. Yes folks, that’s right, the world’s biggest sporting event is coming to ol’ Blighty this year. So, in a desperate bid to regain some of the sanity the nation appears to have thrown away, here are some ways of avoiding the big spectacle. If you think that sport is just a method of punishing your body, then take heed.

When any big sporting event occurs, chances are it will be plastered all over every single media outlet. So when you sit down on a Wednesday afternoon to watch _The Jeremy Kyle Show _or _Real Housewives of New York City_, you’ll find that your screen will be taken over by athletes competing for little circular bits of metal. In light of this, it’s wise to remove all throw-able objects from the vicinity of your TV screen, in case the trauma of the experience causes you to harm it.

Likewise, when _Homes Under the Hammer _is replaced with synchronised swimming, take a deep breath, count to three and then release a torrent of abuse at your unsuspecting TV screen. The only way for the savvy among us to survive the media’s orgy of Olympic coverage is to invest heavily in DVDs. For the next month or so, your DVD player will become your only comfort in a world gone crazy.

During the Olympic period, it is vitally important that you do not engage in any form of strenuous activity, whether that’s sport or moving furniture, for example. Failure to comply with this may result in you catching the Olympic ‘fever’. Kicking a ball in your garden will prompt you to take an interest in sport, and under no circumstances can you afford to do this. With a budget of £9.3 billion, the government have more than enough money at their disposal to invest in mind control techniques.

Resist the temptation to jump over your gate as if it were a hurdle, or throwing that extra long stick like a javelin. Such a display of weakness would surely make you succumb to the Olympic committee’s devilish aims. Instead, take pleasure in the knowledge that the Olympics don’t include Formula 1. As a nation we may be urged to save the environment, but if you’re lucky enough to have access to a car, be sure to use it for any journey, even if it’s to get milk from round the corner. You will gain a great deal of solace driving past those people actually putting their legs to use.

Now, here’s where it becomes slightly more costly. I have the misfortune to live in Surrey, and as such the Olympic cycling route forms a neat circle around where I live, geographically constraining me. Hopefully, the enemy will have not encircled you, but if you live in London your day-to-day life will be severely impeded once the Olympics get going.

My only advice is that if you live in the south, then get as far north as you can. Perhaps you have a crazy cat lady of an Aunt you can seek refuge with, or a friend you only vaguely know through Facebook that you can persuade to let you stay with them. Even Coventry will be the site of part of the football tournament so when I say north, I mean north. I hear Newcastle’s nice this time of year… Evacuation may seem a little extreme, but compare it to spending the summer under house arrest, directing lost tourists and being forced into conversation about the Olympics and the benefits vastly outweigh the costs.

The London 2012 Olympics, we’re told, will put millions of pounds into the economy, have a lasting positive social impact and will see the regeneration of the east end of London. In the short term, however, negotiating London is likely to be hell on earth and the non-athletic among us will be subjected to a month of sport. So whilst everyone else is losing their heads over the Olympics, don’t get sucked into their delirium. Remain strong, follow my advice, and I’ll see you on the other side.