The Berfooda Triangle: Blending time travel… smoothly

During the deepest, darkest depths of a revision low, I watched a Youtube video of an ambiguously nerdy man blending tricolour silly putty. I feel this is probably an appropriate metaphor for my end of June 2012 life, as the many putties of me (stay with me) are also getting mushed together, though minus the vicious metal blades, I am pleased to add.

The orange putty is my degree shoot-off, including exams and their impending arrival/completion and my voyages to Lyon next year. The blue putty is my beautiful party calendar of smashy smashy. Unfortunately, we have the purple putty, which is the big dollop that engulfs everything else in a slightly panicky gloop, as it is me being offered yesterday a summer au pair job to a French family in Guadeloupe starting in…fourteen days.

I am obvs completely psyched for this opportunity HOWEVER I don’t possess many of the necessary things, among which are a typhoid inoculation and a crumple free linen wardrobe. Plus, I need to move out of my house, and I need to learn how to change a baby’s nappy, and I need to somehow not be so goddamn pale or else I am going burn to an actual crisp (A REAL LIVE HUMAN CRISP).

To counteract this, I’m bringing the blending back to the kitchen where it belongs and offering you a Stella Fox-inspired smoothie which tastes nothing like putty:

Tesco frozen fruits of the forest (£2)

One banana (1/5 of £1.20)

Thee tablespoons of vanilla yog (£1 for Onken at the mo)

One tin of peaches (69p)

Orange juice (£1.60)

1) Pop it all in a jug or other suitable receptacle for containing sploshy liquid

2) Whizz it all up, ideally with a hand-held blender. This is better than a general food processor (G.F.P.) as it means less fiddly washing up and you feel like a very powerful wizard, pulverising everything in your way.

Another handy hint that is not the entire meal, but rather a tasty enhancement to a basic risotto dish, is the blending of peas, mint and oil to create what one could term a paste. This can then be stirred into any kind of risotto, but preferably one with ham or other pea friendly flavours, to make it green and more diverse.

This smoothie / emerald delight combo is to be eaten IN CONJUNCTION WITH (yeah I went there) several different pieces of musical genius, either all playing at once on various stereos of Hi-Fis or other forgotten devices of electronic sound equipment, or listened to in rapid succession, in order to give off the impression of a seamless transfer and resultant blend effect.

That sentence is a prime example of such blending; breathing is cheating.

They are all remixes too, just to add to the hash-up effect. First up is Cay’s Crays Kalbata Remix by Fat Freddy’s Drop, which at first sounds disconcertingly like Nelly Furtado’s Maneater, but – don’t worry – the similarity soon ends.

Second is Please Mr Postman Remix by Cragga, which I find myself singing joltingly along to, bravely and misguidedly attempting all the deliberately juttery mash ups. Finally, third is Lonely Lonely Frisbee’s Mix by Feist, which is good for having a conversation over the top of. I mean that in a good way, as you can still appreciate the music when you are taking breaths, for example.

The blended book for this probably-quite-hectic mix (especially if you are playing the songs all at the same time) is The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. If you have watched the film, put aside your prejudices – the book is almost four hundred million times better, and if you have already read the book FOR GOODNESS SAKE PLEASE DON’T WATCH THE FILM. Time travelling in the book is sexy and emotionally confusing, but in the film it is problematic and inconvenient.

And, right now, time travel would just be so handy for unblending all my life putties.