Songs for the Broken-Hearted

Sifting through your iTunes library in search of some musical catharsis whilst your now ex is emptying the contents of your wardrobe into the street (or, if it was never that serious, spreading malicious rumors about your endowment, sexual performance and/or future prospects) can be difficult.

What’s more, assuming that you haven’t broken up over differences in musical taste (it does happen), finding appropriate songs that aren’t tainted by your time together can be trickier still.
Whilst it may seem easier just not to bother with music, it’s hard to deny that, without something blaring indignantly in the background, the act of burning all the poetry you wrote her is apt to seem unforgivably kitsch.

Fortunately, help is at hand in the form of this compilation of what are, objectively, the best breakup albums (and artists) of all time,

**Four: Muse – Showbiz**
Gloriously angst ridden and embittered, Matt Bellamay’s tortured wailings could well be those of your soul (if your soul was slightly nasal and had incredible vocal range).
Though it helps if you don’t scrutinize the lyrics too hard, which are mawkish and adolescent even by Muse standards, the music strikes the prefect balance between anger and melancholy.

**Best listened to:** Blast it out the moment you find it’s over, or, if you can see it coming, listen to it before – it will het you in an appropriately nihilistic sate of mind.

**Three: Anything by The Smiths or Morrissey**
But particularly, ‘I Know It’s Over’, ‘I Don’t Mind If You Forget Me’ and ‘Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others’. Trying to think of a better post break up artist than Morrissey is like trying to dry your hair in the microwave – it’s a doomed endeavor. A word of warning though, limit yourself two a couple of hours of listening at most – the songs’ irony does little to sugar the self pity which, after too long, has the capacity to reduce the most emotionally stable of us to quivering, semi-catatonic wrecks. It might even turn you vegetarian.

**Best listened to:** For maximum aesthetic appeal, have the music follow you as you cycle through the monochrome streets of Manchester accompanied by a group of unusually fashionable young men. If this is too much effort, play it at a medium volume whist sitting on a beanbag. If you have some particularly thick rimmed glasses, put them on. Because of the risk of pop up adverts, on no accounts listen to these songs on youtube – the shock of the Go Compare song coming on in between ‘Girlfriend In A Coma’ and ‘How Soon Is Now’ has given countless young Smiths fans brain hemorrhages.

**Two: Jeff Wayne – The War of the Worlds**
Not an obvious choice by any means. Nonetheless, if you can manage to view the Martian invasion of the Earth as a perfect allegory for the destructive nature of your relationship, then it actually works surprisingly well. What’s more, it’s almost guaranteed that you won’t have any romantic memories associated with it.

**Best listened to:** With tongue firmly in cheek.

**One: The Prodigy – Fat of the Land**
It’s difficult to see what relevance this album could have to breakups. And this is really why it’s at the top of the list. Listening to the Prodigy’s acerbic, hyperactive techno, it’s hard to shake the feeling that you’ve been an irredeemably wet blanket. Some artists have the quality of making you feeling like they’re singing directly to you and about your problems. Not so the Prodigy– they couldn’t give a toss.

**Best Listened to:** Ideal for snapping you out of any emotionally saturated reverie, put this on when the temptation to get into bed fully clothed and eat ‘Cookie Dough’ takes hold.