Eastenders; The only way to avoid seasonal suicide

So, basically, we’re fucked. That is to say doomed, finished, out of luck, up the paddle without a creek, bereft of hope, in more of a pickle than Admiral Nelson two weeks after the Battle of Trafalgar.

The economy is faltering to such an extent that George Osborne is probably, as you read this, feverishly sliding the beads of his abacus from one side to the other, nodding like a bemused hippopotamus, sliding them back again, glancing at an open computer spreadsheet, then finally thumbing through his wallet in case he missed a crumpled fiver amongst the many IOUs.

In spite of this, it seems to be business as usual in the world of audiovisual entertainment. Plonk yourself down in front of a television and – providing you avoid any form of news broadcast – you’d be forgiven for thinking nothing unusual was happening at all. I’m A Celebrity… (ITV1) is back, Young Apprentice (BBC1) hasn’t been forced into a financial merger with its older sibling, and Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1) soldiers on, much to the delight of octogenarians and the mentally challenged everywhere.

Nothing represents the utter denial of reality better than the adverts, though. Around this time of year the entire industry whips itself into an orgasmic frenzy, drenching every facet of the inter-programming canvas with aspirational, passively aggressive, middle-class focused, marketing semen.

As if people weren’t already miserable enough, they now have to accommodate having a reflection of every single failing in their lives beamed directly back into their homes, complete with inexplicably catchy jingles.

Here we are, resorting to supermarket brand equivalents of everything, and then John Lewis pop up to show how young children will become manic depressives with a predilection for schizophrenic role play, unless everyone clears out the closest department store in order to hold Christmas on each day of the winter period.

I honestly do not know how people are going to cope. Police are already reporting a higher rate of suicide by remote-control bludgeoning this year than in 2008, 2009 and 2010 combined. Matters will only worsen as we move closer and closer to Corpratemas on the 25th.

Imagine the scenario: two minutes of advertising for food you will never eat, and games that’ll never be played, followed nicely by an hour and a half of some arbitrarily selected family film, featuring a contented collection of apes who happen to enjoy all the commodities so recently shown to be lacking in your own home.

All this whilst presentless children mill around trying to find happiness in opening re-used shoe boxes, then playing with the paper wrapping found inside. It’s like being in a Dickensian Rom-Com, only festooned with paper hats and buffet bites, and no hope for cathartic resolution.

My advice? Do what I do at Christmas. Instead of watching cheerful shows and sickeningly carefree adverts, which will only inspire jealousy and angst, tune into Eastenders (BBC1) this season. The abject poverty of thought and deed will remind you life isn’t so bad, in fact by comparison, it might even be worth living. Oh, and also, there won’t be a single solitary advert. Bah, humbug to all!

Comments (20)

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  • I hope Jay does go to the police after fiindng the evidence because Ben deserves to be found out and Ben deserves to be caught out as well I hate Ben so much and I hate phil so much as well it is not only Ben who caused heathers death it is phil as well they really are a sick evil double act

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