Smuggling cocaine is not to be sniffed at

London student Ayesha Niles celebrated her 18th birthday last week. Nothing particularly newsworthy there, except for the location of the celebration. Miami Detention Centre. An unusual choice to commemorate the passing of childhood, but Ayesha forfeited her right to an alternative by carrying 30lbs of cocaine in her suitcase on a flight from Jamaica to Miami. US Customs agents discovered the haul hidden among 24 boxes of J.F. Mills Rich ‘n Moist-brand cake-mix boxes.

Now, I’m no expert, but even the most laid back, laissez-faire (Spanish) Customs official is likely to stop and search a suitcase containing twenty-four boxes of powdery cake mixture.
The first question would surely be ‘What is that in your suitcase?’, and a shoulder-shrug, foot shuffle and an awkward, mumbled ‘Cake mixture…’ would do nothing to quell suspicion. The second question could be limited to a one word interrogation – ‘Why?’

Because who on earth would need to carry half their body weight in ready-mixed, quick-cook baked goods on a short haul flight? An emergency baker, sufficiently skilled so as to attract international custom but unable to make a cake from scratch is surely the only answer- which, clearly, is no answer at all.

I don’t wish to advocate smuggling cocaine, but if someone were to decide it is worth pursuing as a career, I would suggest the following simple rules.

1) Do not mix it with cake mixture if you have no plausible reason to carry cake mixture in the first place. The odd bottle of talcum powder is surely a more viable alternative.

2) Do not carry in bulk. Ayesha was stopped carrying 13kg of the stuff. There could hardly have been space in the suitcase for clothes. One box could perhaps be explained away, but twenty-four? Ridiculous.

This latest attempt to transport the Class A drug has proved not only ineffective, but utterly brainless. There is a long and interesting history of intricate methods to smuggle contraband, and though the techniques have proved equally ineffective, (seeing as they have all been intercepted by law enforcement agencies and lauded by the media) some at least qualify as ‘ingenious.’

A 66-year old Chilean man was caught at Barcelona airport with a plaster cast made entirely of cocaine. He reportedly believed that the scent emanating from his foot would cover the smell of the drug and confuse police dogs.

Also in Barcelona, a 42-piece dinner service was intercepted, intricately decorated with sunflowers and made from 20kg of cocaine. The sunflowers express a level of artistic talent that is impressive, even if the scheme was ultimately fruitless.
Animals are commonly used as drug mules, although interestingly, actual mules have never been used for this role. A walking metaphor is probably too obvious.
Dogs are often filled with drug-packets before travelling, demonstrating a certain intelligence from the traffickers; if police dogs suspiciously sniff the newly-arrived pooches, it would more than likely be attributed to canine sexual attraction, arousing little suspicion (that is not a dog’s name). Feeding a snake a condom filled with powder is another favourite, but the real talent here is making a condom look mouse-like and appetising. Stuffing shark carcasses has also been used; presumably a consignment of dead sharks were expected, and were not found in some tourist’s suitcase, as they would undoubtedly be harder to explain away than a half-tonne of ready-mix cake powder.

For the serious drug smuggler though, methods to evade detection by customs officials are very last year; better to evade customs entirely, ideally through the use of your very own submarine. Police seized a 31m fibreglass vessel earlier this year in the Colombian jungle capable of transporting four people and 8 tonnes of cargo. Or around 8000 boxes of cake mixture.

The majority of practising and prospective smugglers cannot afford a $2m nano-sub though, so food remains a classic, delicious method of distracting inquisitive Customs Officers. From artichokes to yams, from hollow onions to asparagus, food, especially fruit and vegetables, appear a natural accompaniment to cocaine; a kind of healthy diet coke, if you would. It would appear that cake mixture is just a new twist on an old routine.