Words of a multiple: In conversation

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on the friendships I’ve made and the people I’ve met over the years, especially during our undergraduate degree. And so, I thought it would be a good idea to sit down with one of those friends to discover from the other side what it’s like to have a friend with DID. The conversation and interview went so:

Do you remember when you first found out about our DID? How did you initially feel?

Well, I don’t particularly remember knowing you before you were open about your DID – even though we were friends beforehand, we weren’t as close as we are now. I remember you sharing about your DID and your diagnosis on social media, explaining that you were more than one person sharing a body. So that’s how I found out about it, and it didn’t hugely register as a ‘big deal’: it wasn’t a revolutionary revelation! I had empathy for you, of course, but being disabled myself and knowing many people who are disabled and have mental health problems (you included!), it was just another facet of that. I think also because I didn’t know you as well before, there wasn’t a change to our relationship really: you didn’t suddenly become someone with DID, and I figured you were still the same person, and (knowing what I do now about DID) I realised that this had always been there.

How has your understanding of DID changed over the time you’ve known us?

I didn’t know anything about DID to start with; I probably hadn’t even heard of it beforehand. So, most of what I’ve learned, I’ve learned from you guys! I have also gone and learnt about it myself and gained understanding from other people on social media, for example, with a lived experience of DID. One of the specific things I have really picked up over time is the terminology, like ‘alters’ or ‘littles’.

At the end of the day, you are just a friend, and I think that everyone in the system recognises me as a friend

But more generally, I’ve learned about you and how you are unique and not every system is the same, so I have come to understand better how to support you and what your triggers or needs are. I hope that means that if I am friends with other systems at any point, that will help me understand their experience better, too.

What’s it like interacting with different alters?

At the end of the day, you are just a friend, and I think that everyone in the system recognises me as a friend (Evelyn and co: “Yes!”). And to a certain extent, I can recognise switches and different alters, for example, Liza has a different tone of voice, and Bronte is Bronte! I think generally we’re just friends, and I don’t have particularly different relationships with different alters, though things like the conversation may change depending on who is fronting.

I think the only relationship that is slightly different is the littles, because it’s quite a unique experience being friends with a child in an adult’s body. I always try not to be patronising but also recognise they are a child. For example, when I first met one of your littles a while back, it was after you were incredibly triggered and dissociated. So I put on Malory Towers for us to watch together (Evelyn and co: “This is also a strong memory for us!”). I think that moment of connection was important as it showed me that I could build a relationship with all of you. It was quite scary at first, though, too, as I didn’t necessarily know how to react or what you were able to do while a little was fronting: so I was worried about you getting home safely, for example, as you don’t let a child-bodied six-year-old walk home by themselves! But now I’ve learned to treat the littles like children, while also recognising that the grown-ups in the system are around to help out with things too.

Do you ever find yourself missing alters if they haven’t fronted for a while?

I don’t think so, partly because I didn’t know you so well before your old ‘host’ went ‘dormant’ and Evelyn started hosting. I can imagine it would have been a bit of a change if I did, though, but at the moment, you switch so frequently that it isn’t like I have a specific relationship with one alter who is always out.

When have you seen the more serious side of DID?

I think supporting someone with DID in a crisis is rather different. So, the last time I remember you having a suicide attempt, I came over to support you in getting into an ambulance. And I remember you saying “I don’t know who did it!” and that complete amnesia, and trying then to explain to a paramedic how you didn’t know anything about what had happened or why you’d attempted. Plus, a slightly lighthearted note was you then saying, “but it’s Nyx fronting now, and I’m a ghost, and I’m dealing with it because I can’t die again”. It was a real ‘oh!’ moment of how different this is from dealing with a ‘singlet’ in distress.

Some people will buy into the idea of ‘the evil one’, and I just think, well, they’re my friends, and that’s that

(Evelyn and co: “This makes us think of a more funny anecdote where we told someone about our DID for the first time, and they asked to know a bit more about us and who was fronting. It was Ophelia, another ghost, and after they said they were ghosts, the person said the first question that came to mind: “From which historical period?” So, yes, DID can be serious and confusing, but also bring moments of hilarity!”).

What are some common misconceptions you’ve noticed about DID?

I think what is interesting is that some people, of course, will have misconceptions and Jekyll and Hyde ideas: some people will buy into the idea of ‘the evil one’, and I just think, well, they’re my friends, and that’s that. Alternatively, people don’t recognise that it is a disabling mental health issue, simply seeing it as being ‘quirky’ with lots of imaginary friends! But I’d say the average person doesn’t hold these views. For example, I was explaining it to my sister the other week, and I realised she doesn’t have any misconceptions because she doesn’t have any conceptions!

From a practical point of view, don’t be afraid to ask some questions!

Do you have any advice for someone who has just learned that their friend has DID?

They’re still the same person (sort of!). Yes, there may be more people that you’ve learnt about, and if they start to unmask, it may seem like a change. Ultimately, they’ve had DID for a long time (Evelyn and co: “Since about the age of seven!”), and you know more about them now, and you get bonus friends! From a practical point of view, don’t be afraid to ask some questions! Kind and empathetic questions are usually welcomed in my experience. Learn about what they want to be called, whether individual alters like being called by their own names. I am supposed to be generally aware of disabilities and triggers, and how they work.

Plus, it’s pretty cool that they’ve trusted you with it, as due to the nature of DID, it’s often hidden, so in some ways it’s a huge honour to be told.

Glossary

DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder: A condition where a child’s brain, due to extreme and ongoing trauma throughout childhood, does not form the same way as most people, leaving a person with distinct identity parts and a level of amnesia between them.

System: The term people with DID typically use to describe themselves as a collection of alters.

Alter: A distinct identity part within the system. Others may call these parts identity states, headmates, or simply people. Some still use the term personalities, though this is less common and can cause controversy. Alters can be different ages and genders, look different internally, use different names, and have different interests and personalities.

Host: The alter in the system who fronts most often. For some, this is the alter who identifies most with the body; some systems do not have a single host or any at all.

Littles: Child alters, who are usually stuck at the age of trauma. When a child alter is fronting, the body has the mental capacity of that age and acts and often talks like a child.

Switch: The term used for one alter starting to front in place of another.

Singlet: The term used within the DID community for people without DID.

Dormant: When an alter disappears from the system and stops fronting or being visible in the inner world.