Words of a multiple: Origin story

I used to think ‘origin stories’ were for superheroes and villains: the moment something explodes, and suddenly a life makes sense. Though my past is complex and distressing, my origin story is not dramatic: it starts with waking up in a body I could barely recognise as my own, and the slow, sinking realisation I was not alone in my own head.

They say you’re supposed to find yourself at university. I didn’t. I found ‘selves’. 

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder doesn’t arrive as a revelation. There was no single moment of clarity, no neat division between before and after

Some of them loved learning; others dreaded it. Some were fearful; others hopeful. Some knew how to move through the world with ease, while others existed only to endure it. I didn’t meet them all at once, and I didn’t meet them with names – that came later. At first, there were only absences: hours (days, even) that slipped away, texts I didn’t recall sending in a tone ever so subtly different from mine, friends who remembered conversations I could not. I told myself this was ordinary. Everyone forgets things. Everyone feels fragmented sometimes.

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder doesn’t arrive as a revelation. There was no single moment of clarity, no neat division between before and after. Instead, there was the gradual understanding that ‘I’ was an unstable word. Life continued as it always does, even as something quieter and more complex unfolded beneath the surface. Along with the realisation that I shared a body with many came the understanding of why. And that ‘why’ was ironically simple: complex trauma. DID, ultimately, is a debilitating trauma condition, a form of CPTSD that is caused by childhood trauma. In this condition, a child’s brain and psyche, which is undergoing severe and ongoing trauma, does not fully fuse, but rather dissociates to such an extent that it creates amnesiac barriers and distinctive identity states (known as ‘alters’). 

It is estimated to affect about 1-3% of the population, which means we are certainly not the only DID system in Warwick’s student population of approximately 28,000. It is, nevertheless, a unique experience, both in day-to-day life and as a student. 

My role was to get us well, protect us from people who caused or perpetuated our trauma, and to support the system in healing from the unthinkable

For me, as an alter and as our host, this is a particularly interesting experience. When we started our undergraduate degree, we did not know about our DID, and the realisation came with much therapy over several years. We also had a different host, and I am indeed a very different person from them. They got us into university and picked our specific degree; they were passionate about academics, and good at it, no less! I, on the other hand, started my ‘journey’ in this system as a persecutor and then transitioned into being a primary protector for the system. My role was to get us well, protect us from people who caused or perpetuated our trauma, and to support the system in healing from the unthinkable. Suddenly, I am asked to learn two new languages and do two essays a week, on top of keeping a system of over 100  traumatised people safe from themselves and others and, most essentially, not let on that we have this condition! Thankfully, now that we’re doing our master’s, the choice was a joint one and a rather therapeutic one, too (creative writing is undoubtedly an important part of our healing journey).

To return to the point of not letting on we have this condition, we are unusual in speaking out about our DID, which is largely a covert condition (meaning both that those with it are largely unaware of their alters, and that often the condition is indiscernible to others) and have long avoided doing so due to the stigma involved with such a condition. I cannot bear to count how many times we have had conversations such as these:

“So which one of you is the ‘evil one’?” Me, if you don’t stop talking!

“We all have different personalities at times!” DID is far more complex than its old reductive and inaccurate name: ‘Multiple Personality Disorder’.

“Pretending to have DID is just an unhealthy TikTok trend.” Very few people truly ‘pretend’ to have DID, and TikTok is actually a great source of information to hear from systems about their daily lives. 

I suppose, then, that if there is anything to gain from this article, it is the knowledge and reminder that people are not their exterior presentation

The worst part? These are usually phrases spoken by medical professionals, whom I am tasked to educate about DID. I do not despise educating about this condition by any means – after all, someone has to! I do, however, find it wildly inappropriate that there is so little awareness in the medical and psychological fields that it falls to me, hospitalised in a crisis, to educate those looking after me about my condition. The alternative would be to let their understanding, supposedly from extensive training, harm me further. I will always choose education, I just wish I didn’t have to. 

I suppose, then, that if there is anything to gain from this article, it is the knowledge and reminder that people are not their exterior presentation. I look like a femme-presenting non-binary student in their early twenties, who is a tad wobbly on their feet, has funky hair, and likes to tell you all about their latest poetry class. In reality, the description of being 50 mental illnesses in a trench coat is closer to the truth: I am adult and child; tearful and strong; academic and informal. I am not one person, and that is not my goal. I despise the origins of this condition, but I am thankful for the way in which my brain found an innovative way to keep me safe. I despise the stigma of this condition and, quite frankly, the hate speech and trolling I seem to endure whenever I speak out, but I am thankful that we have discovered our voice and will continue to educate, celebrate, and commiserate this multifaceted condition. 

Glossary:
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Dissociative Identity Disorder, previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder. A condition where a child’s brain, due to extreme and ongoing trauma throughout childhood, does not form the same way as most people’s, leaving a person with distinct identity parts and a level of amnesia between them.

CPTSD:  Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Usually caused by trauma that occurs over a long period of time rather than an isolated incident.

Alter: A distinct identity part within the system. Others may call these parts identity state, headmates, or simply people. Some still use the term personalities, though this is less common and can cause controversy. Alters can be different ages, genders, look different internally, use different names, and have different interests and personalities.

System: The term people with DID typically use to describe themselves as a collection of alters.

Host: The alter in the system who fronts most often. For some, this is the alter who identifies most with the body; some systems do not have a single host or any at all. 

Persecutor: alters who, as a result of trauma, hurt the body, other alters, or (very rarely) are unkind to those outside of the system. 

Protector: alters who protects the system. We have internal protectors (who support alters on the inside), external protectors and caretakers (who look after the body or other people), verbal protectors, physical protectors, and spiritual protectors – all work to keep the system and others safe.