Will’s Word On Warwick: The University of Warwick 2036 Olympic Bid

After hearing talk of incoming Olympic bids from several other historic centres of culture, I figured it was high time to throw the University of Warwick’s hat firmly into the ring.

While I have not yet checked with the University, I will be sure to ping Stuart Croft a quick rundown of the situation upon the inevitable success of our bid or, at the very least, sometime before the Games begin.

Venues

The Olympic Stadium is the heart of any good Games, so that’s where we plan to sink the majority of our funds. Bluebell will be ceremoniously torched using the Olympic flame to make way for a brand new 1,500,000 square foot Olympic Stadium, which will host the 100m sprints, 200m sprints, and long jump finals, alongside the Opening and Closing Ceremonies!

But it’s not just the runners we should worry about – we also need somewhere to put all the climbers. Whilst we’re equipped with a world-class climbing wall in the Sports Hub, we don’t want to rest on our laurels or risk rejecting our commitment to sustainability, especially given the existing wall’s unsustainable, non-wood materials. So, we pledge to build a vast, sustainable, single-use wooden climbing complex on Claycroft fields and Tesco, ensuring sustainability is at the forefront throughout.

All shooting events will be held against the backdrop of Warwick Business School, with the hope that it will be destroyed in the process

With over 80% of our budget dedicated to the Olympic Stadium and sustainable climbing complex, we’ll have to be resourceful when it comes to the other events. For instance, races exceeding 400m will be run around the Koan, allowing for quick laps, tight turns, and a greater sense of proximity for both the athletes and the crowd.

The River Leam, the lake by Lakeside, and the Claycroft pond are all perfect, multi-surface, open-air aquatic venues that will be used for swimming and water sports, with the secondary aim of cleaning up the lake next to Lakeside, to make it safe for humans to go in by 2050. Again, while Warwick does boast an Olympic-standard swimming pool, it is important that this is kept free to give Warwick Canoe and Canoe Polo the necessary space to do whatever it is they do in there.

Additionally, all shooting events will be held against the backdrop of Warwick Business School, with the hope that it will be destroyed in the process.

We could also use this opportunity to shepherd in innovative and previously unseen events to the Olympics, while also utilising an exciting local venue. Warwick Castle would be the perfect place to introduce the sports of jousting, bearbaiting, and witch-hunting to the Olympic Games, thereby bringing in a new generation of fans and athletes, alongside paying tribute to the legendary athletes of old.

The University boasts an almost bi-daily bus service to Leamington Spa, offering splendid views of HS2‘s construction along the way. Excitingly, the site will almost certainly still be around in time for next decade’s Games

In terms of the competitors’ accommodation, I propose temporarily renaming Cryfield Village the ‘Olympic Village’, and then working from there. Perhaps gold medallists could be put in Cryfield Apartments, silver medallists in Cryfield Townhouses, and bronze medallists in the Townhouses that have orange or yellow blinds, with the rest obviously going in Standard. This way, we may finally discover what exactly goes on in Cryfield Apartments.

Transport

Effective transport links are vital for a successful Olympics. Fortunately, the University boasts an almost bi-daily bus service to Leamington Spa, offering splendid views of HS2‘s construction along the way. Excitingly, the site will almost certainly still be around in time for next decade’s Games – so there’s no concern there. We also boast world-class, round-the-clock roadworks, which offer transport users a fun bit of jeopardy and an exciting challenge.

Coventry’s new VLR will also be utilised throughout the Olympics. Though it will be extensively modified to enhance its efficiency across the Games, allowing it to reach speeds of 120 mph and beyond. This enhanced, high-speed tram network will throttle through the streets and pavements of the West Midlands, taking no prisoners and ensuring swift travel for almost everyone involved. This project will be renamed High Speed 3 in honour of one of our most prominent local building sites.

The Opening Ceremony

Warwick’s alumni include such names as Sting, who was here for two months, Ruth Jones, and Stephen Merchant. All of whom I’m sure would undoubtedly jump at the opportunity to get involved with the multimedia spectacle that will be our Opening Ceremony. Although if we run out of funds, we may resort to splicing in reruns of the 2012 Opening Ceremony, with the hope that no one will notice Queen Elizabeth’s potentially inexplicable return to form. In terms of fireworks, we’ll be utilising a record number for the region, all pointed strategically toward a number of key targets, including the Forum, the Humanities building, and the Smack bouncers, with the aim of destroying them for good.

The Games will be funded by a series of well-utilised maintenance loans, which will hopefully work in tandem to raise the money required

The Olympic Torch

Helpfully, Warwick comes preloaded with its very own twenty-foot metal brazier atop Cryfield Hill, which will be uprooted and repurposed as the Olympic torch in the lead-up to the Games, as part of our sustainability efforts.

While this brazier may need more than one torchbearer to transport due to its immense size and weight, it will nonetheless serve as a powerful symbol of our unbridled commitment to bringing scale and quantity to the Olympiad.

Finance

The Games will be funded by a series of well-utilised maintenance loans, which will hopefully work in tandem to raise the money required. If this is insufficient, we can almost certainly rely on a sponsorship deal with Fifteen, or, worst-case scenario, we could always privatise the FAB.

Sustainability

As part of our firm commitment to sustainability, we’ll be pushing for the abolition of all SU roles, to be replaced by twelve so-called Heads of Sustainability, who will work together to destroy anything that is both unsustainable and on-campus. We already plan to work with the Society for the Prevention of Birds and the Dirty Duck to remove the increasingly unmanageable presence of geese on campus. This will be achieved sustainably, primarily through violent means.

But why Warwick?

Now that you know we can host the Games, you’re probably left asking why we deserve to host the Games.

Well, for starters – if it’s history you’re after, we’ve got it in abundance. With over 300 students studying single-honours History alone, on top of hundreds taking it alongside other degrees, Warwick is as historic a university as it gets.

Warwick is not only faster, stronger, and more culturally enriched than any other major cultural hub, but we’re also far more serious about sustainability

And if it’s industry you want, we’ve absolutely got it. Co-op presumably turns over tens of millions a year, given its extraordinary profit margins and insane pricing structure. We are also a universally recognised producer of snakebite, Oxbridge rejects, and circling games.

And as for culture? We’ve got it in spades. From the Westwood Moleman to ‘One Fat Frog’, Warwick has a cultural richness that rival Renaissance Florence, Classical Athens, or even contemporary Bradford. Additionally, Warwick boasts a rich sporting legacy. For instance, British Lion Maro Itoje studied at the Warwick Business School, as the University’s Instagram is keen to remind us every time he picks up a rugby ball.

To conclude, Warwick is not only faster, stronger, and more culturally enriched than any other major cultural hub, but we’re also far more serious about sustainability. So, to the Olympic Bid Selection Committee, please consider rejecting all the other candidates for the 2036 Games until you’re forced to settle with us, and thank you for considering our bid.

Sincerely,

Will Moores

The self-appointed chair of the Warwick World Olympics Workforce (WWOW)

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.