Will’s Word On Warwick: The case for Kenilworth

Everyone has the right to a defence case, regardless of ‘guilt’. In this spirit and following in the egalitarian, courageous footsteps of staunch upholders of the Sixth Amendment and legal protectors of the obviously guilty: Saul Goodman, Lionel Hutz, and Alan Dershowitz, I hereby submit my defence of Kenilworth.

Now, I must clarify that traditional Kenilworth life, which generally consists of being retired or having settled down, could handily represent itself in court, with little risk of prison time. However, as a place for students, it has become something of an ‘O.J.’ figure, with a reputation for being assuredly bad and broadly indefensible, yet continually getting away with it anyway.

Nonetheless, I’d like to play devil’s advocate and point out the many virtues of student life in Kenilworth. For one, they’ve got a lovely new Wetherspoons, dubbed ‘The Dictum of Kenilworth’ by locals and Wetherspoons executives alike. I recently frequented it as part of an extended pre-drinks for Skool Dayz. The place was packed to the brim, showcasing the full spectrum of the Kenilworth scene, featuring everyone from retirees to the nearly-retired. The atmosphere was lively, and I enjoyed an excellent fish with chips (and even added peas!).

It’s great to have such a popular new pub in Kenilworth

Mayor of Kenilworth, Cllr James Kennedy

I bumped into the fantastic Mayor of Kenilworth, Cllr James Kennedy (no relation), and asked him for a comment on the new establishment to gauge the public mood – or at least the mood of one man with ceremonial authority. He noted, “It’s great to have such a popular new pub in Kenilworth”, emphasising its “connection to our national history, particularly through such a landmark moment of historical peace-making.”

For context, ‘The Dictum’, as it’s fondly called in my house and hopefully beyond, is named after a significant peace deal made between Henry III and some rebelling barons. A moment of diplomacy which not only inspired the pub’s name but also the bridge-building nature of this very piece. Simply put, ‘The Dictum’ is a fantastic new pub, and I implore you to visit as soon as you can.

If you remain unconvinced, allow me to plant a simple, digestible slogan to subtly push you towards this historic town: ‘If it has a vocal mayor, you must move there.’ Please let this lodge itself deep in your subconscious and subtly influence your housing choices for years to come. Encouragingly, this saying has never yet steered me wrong, though this is largely because I only just invented it.

The 11 is a nicer bus – it’s a much shorter journey, and you can save the effort of organising a meeting with your lecturer, since the prof-heavy demographic on board ensures the commute can easily transform into one long office hour

It feels important at this juncture to get ahead of some of the classic complaints levelled against the Kenilworth student experience. Namely, that you get all the problems of the buses, but none of the social life of Leamington.

Allow me to rebut. First of all, by living in Kenilworth, you are no longer actively complicit in Stagecoach. The upsides of this are obviously self-evident and limitless. Secondly, the 11 is a nicer bus – it’s a much shorter journey, and you can save the effort of organising a meeting with your lecturer, since the prof-heavy demographic on board ensures the commute can easily transform into one long office hour.

Kenilworth is also only a 20-minute bike ride from the university, so you can get in some exercise – and to campus – simultaneously, giving you yet another excuse not to use the £300 gym pass you bought in Week 1.

Imagine, for instance, you fell on hard times and were forced to live in the walls of either the Faculty of Arts Building or the Humanities Building. I reckon you’d be a damn sight happier in the walls of the FAB

The town is also very aesthetically pleasing, except for the area around the Holiday Inn. The Abbey Fields are genuinely very lovely and put the barren flatlands of Leamington’s Victoria Park to shame.

Of course, it’s important to remember that pretty surroundings are crucial to good mental health. Imagine, for instance, you fell on hard times and were forced to live in the walls of either the Faculty of Arts Building or the Humanities Building. I reckon you’d be a damn sight happier in the walls of the FAB, though I’ve been unable to track down either demographic to confirm this, possibly because the Humanities cohort all perished due to RAAC.

So attend those village fêtes, storm that castle, drink at The Dictum, and bask in getting as close to retirement as any of us will likely ever know by moving to Kenilworth.

The defence rests – preferably somewhere with a nice view of the castle.