Will’s Word On Warwick: Bench marking – What’s the worst seat on campus?

It is potentially the most significant question ever penned: What are the ten worst benches at the University of Warwick and in which order should they be ranked? Join me to discover the answer once and for all, as I take you through the top 10 worst benches on campus.

10. This bench outside the Oaks

In 10th place, I simply had to go with this bench outside the Oaks, which, while no longer a bench in the traditional or physical sense, is still definitely not a great place to sit. Although, unfortunately, its lack of coherent ‘benchness’ has limited its ability to rank much higher.

Nestled quite far back in some unpleasant and poorly landscaped brush, this spot offers unobstructed views of a weirdly angled bit of tree, set against the remarkable backdrop of a blank wall

9. This bench on the side of the Oculus

Just pipping the previous entry to ninth spot, we have this little number outside the Oculus, which is only lower since its status as a bench is, at the very least, ambiguous. While it is deeply uncomfortable and peculiarly positioned on the side of the Oculus, it does boast charming views of Tocil and the Oculus fields, which is certainly something. Moreover, if the Warwick Quidditch people are out, you’ll almost certainly be given some free entertainment and a good laugh.

8. This bench near the library

In eighth place is this splendid little nightmare outside the library. Nestled quite far back in some unpleasant, poorly landscaped brush, this spot offers unobstructed views of a weirdly angled bit of tree, set against the remarkable backdrop of a blank wall and a broadly unpleasant gravel area. It’s certainly one you’d want to miss.

I want to take a brief aside from this list to reflect on the sheer number of benches in Jephson Gardens, Leamington. Frankly, it seems like every person who has ever lived and died has donated a bench to this park. The extraordinary number of benches is legitimately overpowering and provides so many seating options that you’ll likely be left paralysed by a combination of fear, wonder, and indecision, leaving you unable to make use of them at all.

7. This square of benches near the Lord Bhattacharyya building

Returning to the list, the next contender, in seventh place, is this cheeky set-up outside the Lord Bhattacharyya building, which offers you and your friends the chance to gather around a bin, as if in some séance to the fetid remains of used crisp packets. Better still, this spot offers splendid views of a bike rack, though its overhead covering and convenient waste disposal system unfortunately limit its chances of ranking any higher.

The Forum is a hotbed for criminal bench activity, primarily due to its horrifying, all-pink colour scheme

6. This circular bench in The Forum

The Forum is a hotbed for criminal bench activity, primarily due to its horrifying, all-pink colour scheme. Particular notice must be given to the circular bench, which looks both bad and deeply impractical, ultimately helping it achieve sixth place in this list. Given my previous engagement with the terrors of The Forum, I shall say speak no further on this matter, though luckily the pictures tell a thousand, mostly expletive, words.

5. This bench outside the Lord Battacharya building

This devious spot outside the Lord Battacharya building takes up the fifth position, offering a remarkable blend of nature and concrete, though the real highlight is the mouthful of tree leaves that inevitably comes with sitting there. While this claustrophobic spot mainly leaves you staring directly at foliage, it does offer occasional glimpses at the feet of those walking past you, which can make a nice change. Although, there is only room for one full human being on it, which makes sitting on it a rather bleak state of affairs.

Too low to be effective as seats but too high to be anything else, this baffling entry appears to fail as a bench in almost every way

4. This bench in Social Sciences

Just missing out on a podium position, this bench outside Social Sciences is of remarkable note, mostly due to its generally unclean feel and near-constant mossy dampness, regardless of the weather or the season. I have never seen anyone actually sit here, nor do I ever expect to, given its highly unappealing look. However, this seat does offer you the opportunity to look directly at a wooden pillar, which is rather exciting.

3. The concrete blocks outside the FAB

Claiming proverbial bronze is this series of bold choices outside the FAB. These concrete slabs look like remnants of the FAB’s construction that were simply too heavy to be worth moving. They also offer a place for the University to take photos of students for their website and somewhere to skateboard, though this appears to be the beginning and end of their utility. Too low to be effective as seats but too high to be anything else, this baffling entry seems to fail as a bench in almost every way.

Not only does it look like it was haphazardly dumped there by someone who didn’t have the good sense to destroy it, but it’s also surrounded by unappealing weeds and sits at a ridiculously crooked angle

2. This bench near Tocil

In the runner-up position comes this atrocity deep in the heart of Tocil. Surrounded by rubbish, wet leaves, and an ugly fence, this spot enjoys a terrible location in something akin to Tocil’s backrooms and surely can’t have been positioned there on purpose. Offering dynamic views of a blank wall and wedged in a dingy corner, this spot is undoubtedly one of the worst around.

1. This bench in The Oaks

In first place and, in my opinion, the worst bench at the University of Warwick, is this nightmare in The Oaks. Not only does it look like it was haphazardly dumped there by someone who didn’t have the good sense to destroy it, but it’s also surrounded by unappealing weeds and sits at a crooked angle. Moreover, the company responsible for The Oaks seemingly ran out of either money or material when constructing the back of the bench, leaving a baffling gap that harms comfort and appears to serve no purpose at all.

This seat also makes the perfect spot for an argument about who gets to sit on the side with back support, though I would remind readers that the only thing that should be discussed on this bench is how bad it is.

Beyond looking like it was put there by a hurricane, it also directly faces a transparent wall of the gym, meaning that anyone sitting on the bench is left awkwardly watching people work out, which is ultimately a highly uncomfortable and odd situation for everyone involved.

While I initially planned on taking a picture of its invasive view into the gym, the sheer awkwardness of doing so was ultimately too uncomfortable to bear, forcing me to capitulate and leave immediately.

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Now, this is just my list, and I’m sure all of you reading this have comprehensive top 10s of your own, so feel free to write in with your ranking and let me know if there are any benches you think I missed.