Will’s Word On Warwick: A room with a loo – The ongoing shared bathroom vs ensuite debate

Opinion Comedy Column

Soon, thousands of students across the country will be opening their results, choosing their university, and, most importantly of all, deciding whether to go with ensuite or shared bathroom accommodation.

It’s a debate that presumably echoes back to ancient times. Perhaps a young Diogenes argued in the Athenian forum in favour of the intimacy provided by an ensuite, only for Socrates to counter by highlighting the greater affordability of shared bathrooms, before adding that said facilities could provide for greater communality and be a great way to make friends.

Whether it happened or not is hard to say, but it is certainly a beautiful thought. And while I can’t personally speak to the friend-making aspect of sharing a toilet, it is definitely not an argument that can be rejected out of hand. Regardless, I figured it was high time to weigh in on this contentious debate, with the hope of settling it once and for all.

One huge and wildly underreported bonus of shared bathrooms is the potential presence of a totally pointless bath that absolutely no one will ever consider using

The advantages of an ensuite are many: greater privacy, superior hygiene standards, and easier bathroom access, to name a few. With the significance of that last factor having been taught to me both bitterly and through experience.

In first year, as part of a vain attempt to make my hair a bit blonder, I – and this is true – covered my hair in organic honey and then covered said honey in cling film. Not only did this have little to no effect on my hair colour, it also left me suffering through an intensely honey-covered and uncomfortable sleep, kept going only by a foolish belief in the sunk costs of the situation. And yes, I did go to sleep with it in: that’s what Google told me to do. This left me stuck awake in my room until 5am, waiting for an acceptable time to shower in a shared accommodation, ultimately fearful that someone might spot me, given my appearance at that point was something akin to a honey-dipped Pitbull. This was not a pleasant experience, although many would say that blaming my lack of ensuite for this situation may be unfair.

The benefits of having unfettered access to your own personal toilet are obviously limitless

One huge and wildly underreported bonus of shared bathrooms is the potential presence of a totally pointless bath that absolutely no one will ever consider using. I lived with this opulence in Rootes for a year and while I never thought about actually using it, as that would have been socially unacceptable, weird, and probably unhygienic, it was nice to have the option.

While the benefits of having unfettered access to your own personal toilet are obviously limitless, it is important to consider the financial implications of this undoubtedly promising opportunity.

For instance, in most cases, you’ll be paying £75 to £120 more a week. That’s the equivalent of approximately 1500 Purples, 600 Skool Dayz tickets, or at least five Pret toasties a year.

While you may occasionally be privy to the Hiroshimas of the bathroom world, these will only make the less traumatic toilet experiences even better

Perhaps Socrates was right. While living in a shared bathroom means you’ll be greeted by some of the most inhumane sights you’ll ever see, these will be, at the very least, shared witnessings. Moreover, this collective suffering will bring with it community and unity, not least when you collude with housemates in the hope of ascertaining who exactly left ‘that’ in the toilet.

While you may occasionally be privy to the Hiroshimas of the bathroom world, these will only make the less traumatic toilet experiences even better. From making lifelong friends in the toilets to theorising over who exactly is responsible for certain bathroom atrocities, the shared bathroom is undoubtedly the right, rewarding choice for any self-respecting Warwick student. So, consider saving money, and potentially the world, by making the right choice this August and choosing a shared bathroom option.