Will’s Word On Warwick: Lillington vs Cubbington – The great suburban divide

Opinion Comedy Column

For those who live in Leamington Spa, there is a divide that transcends North vs South and Viallis vs Sicilian Pizza: are you Team Lillington or Team Cubbington? To those who don’t live in Leamington, this may mean nothing at all. However, those who do will either be shaking their heads angrily or nodding profusely at the mention of these famous places.

Personally, I am team Cubbington till I die. There’s so much to do there – it’s essentially the Mecca of the north, it’s beautiful in the spring, and Lillington is, frankly, a dump. 

Fortunately, Cubbington is far enough away from the highly urbanised inner city of Leam to not be affected by such things as anti-social behaviour, crime, or immorality

The appearance of a 57A bus to Cubbington or a 67 to Lillington chugging through Leam is a familiar sight to all who live there, and, for me, the former is always a highly tempting prospect. Recently, I was with a friend on the Upper Parade, obviously singing the praises of Cubbington, when a bus heading to said metropolis materialised. My friend queried why there was only one bus user aboard, which I can only attribute to the Micheal Portillo effect: so many people thought that others would have already boarded, filling the bus to Cubbington to the brim, that nobody even bothered to try. 

Lillington is, in my opinion, nothing but a glorified suburb of Leamington, whereas Cubbington stands firmly on its own as a uniquely splendid little village, which orbits, but is not consumed by Leamington Spa. In 2016, a cannabis factory was discovered and promptly busted in a house in Lillington: classic Lillington. Fortunately, Cubbington is far enough away from the highly urbanised inner city of Leam to not be affected by such things as anti-social behaviour, crime, or immorality. Sadly, Lillington is not quite remote enough to avoid such a plight. 

I reached out to one Warwick student who said: “There’s nothing to say about Lillington”, clearly applying the old maxim, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

 To be fair to Lillington it does have a real rawness, it’s really raw and beautiful, and it puts things into perspective, like yeah, people have it a lot worse

Anonymous Lillington sympathiser

Interestingly, Cubbington was recently home to the world’s fourth oldest man, who turned 111 last year before sadly passing away over the summer. I think it is only reasonable to attribute this longevity to the wonders of Cubbington; though, notably, he attributed his long life to whiskey and the company of women. Either way, one thing is for sure, he was lucky not to have grown up in Lillington as he’d likely not have made it past 25. 

One Lillington sympathiser, who asked to be kept anonymous, said: “To be fair to Lillington it does have a real rawness, it’s really raw and beautiful, and it puts things in perspective, like yeah, people have it a lot worse – it’s like when you see charity adverts on the TV or watch Soccer Aid.” 

Ultimately, regardless of which side you fall on in this dangerous suburban culture, two things are for sure: those who support Lillington are delusional, and those in the Cubbington camp are undoubtedly on the right side of history. If you feel my assessment has been in any way biased, I wholeheartedly deny this charge and implore you to mail all your complaints to Lillington Parish Council. 

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.