Will’s Word On Warwick: A (possibly premature) obituary to Whitefields

Opinion Comedy Column

Whether it will be replaced by an expanded Bluebell (to help the University scam more unsuspecting rich people), completely flattened to make way for a monorail, or burnt down as a symbolic statement against poor people, Whitefields is, by most accounts, destined for demolition. So, I thought it would be nice to say a few words to remember it by.

Where will people put their traffic cones, shopping trolleys, and rubbish if they destroy Whitefields’ roofs? And where will drunk freshers go climbing, the sports centre? Don’t be ridiculous. Moreover, who will the people of Rootes smugly laugh at since, in terms of accommodation quality, there were only so many we could lord it over, especially since Tocil was too far away to mock from our kitchens. These are all valid concerns arising from the prospect of a world without Whitefields. Unfortunately, however, there appear to be no easy answers at this difficult time.

If you ever got bored you could egg the nearby Bluebell, safe in the knowledge they would be unable to retaliate, since that would involve them leaving their rooms

Whitefields was one of my favourite accommodations. If your shockingly highly populated, yet minuscule flats were filled with good people, you were in luck, as it was undoubtedly the best deal on campus. The rooms were small, and you didn’t get your own sink, but at least you weren’t in Westwood.

The rivalries of these shoebox flats seemed to get particularly fierce and violent at times, with egging, theft, TP-ing, and general slander all apparently fair game. Not to mention, if you ever got bored you could egg the nearby Bluebell, safe in the knowledge they would be unable to retaliate, since that would involve them leaving their rooms.

I’ve had some good times in Whitefields. One highly productive evening was spent getting drunk with the aim of better formulating a presentation for possibly the worst seminar in the world. This was a busy night, which saw the appearance of Community Safety after the guy next door appeared to overdo it a bit with some drugs. It also saw my meeting the third ‘Tall Ben’ I’ve known in my time at Warwick, all of whom are shorter than ‘Beautiful Ben’, who some of my less alliteratively inclined compatriots choose to call ‘Gorgeous Ben.’ While both descriptions are undoubtedly indisputable, Ben and I agreed at a party once that we preferred the former.

To return to the matter at hand and to say perhaps the first serious words ever penned as part of this column, it is genuinely a tragedy that Whitefields, or ‘Shitefields’ as it has been affectionately dubbed, is slated to go. Granted, the accommodation is worn and dilapidated, and if you hated your flat you were a bit stuffed. However, in losing Whitefields we will be losing Warwick’s most reasonably priced accommodation.

Unfortunately, the one thing Whitefields was unable to survive was corporate greed… and presumably building regulations

This would not be a problem if Whitefields were to be replaced by a new, moderately priced alternative. Regrettably, however, this seems unlikely, with talk of the construction of a ‘Bluebell 2’, a high-speed tram network or even a monorail – though I think the latter is definitely a lie, lifted from the plot of a Simpsons episode.

Over the years, Whitefields has survived a great deal of turmoil, from almost being crashed into by a car, to years of cruel name-calling alongside its history of anti-social victimisation. One notable instance was a bold attempt to plant an uprooted tree in one of its insanely shaped kitchens. Unfortunately, the one thing Whitefields was unable to survive was corporate greed… and presumably building regulations.

As accommodation costs keep rising, more and more students are being put under greater financial pressure. In losing Whitefields, we are losing a characterful, well-located, and culturally significant institution. Even more concerningly, the mystery of how these tiny gnome houses managed to fit twelve full human beings may remain entirely unanswered.

Ultimately, while it may not have been the best-looking accommodation, it was certainly the best value for money – if you liked all 11 people you had to share a sink with. Either way, one thing is for sure: next year the maintenance team will have a lot more time on their hands.

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.