Will’s Word On Warwick: Mastering bus solitude – the subtle art of not giving a sit

We’ve all been there. You’ve had a long day or morning, and you just want to get on the bus, collapse in on yourself like a dying star, and get straight home – without having to endure that struggle alongside another passenger.

Worry not, however, as today I’ll outline the various methodologies savvy bus users can employ to avoid that pesky, unwanted seat partner. These techniques will range from simple and easy to morally unjustifiable and actively hateful.

Selecting your seat

The first key decision you’ll have to make is choosing your seat, and there are a variety of tactics that astute, seat-conscious bus users can employ to maximise their chance of a solo ride. Firstly, it’s important to get on the bus as early as possible so as to optimise your options and your odds of success. For the best results, I would recommend the old faithful: elbows out, then push like your life depends on it.

Once you’ve shoved your way onto the vehicle, ruined your on-bus reputation, and ensured yourself a prime a head-start, you’ll be faced with an important decision: where should you sit to ensure a solitary seat?

Other potential methodologies include sitting near some drunk lunatic or taking the bus driver’s seat in the ultimate alpha portrayal of bus dominance

Well, there are variety of schools of thought in this regard. Many would suggest that you should claim a downstairs seat, with the hope that people chance it with the upstairs. However, sitting downstairs just doesn’t hit the same, so many would likely prefer an alternate approach. Luckily for you there are other pioneering theories in the field, such as sitting at the front of the top of the bus, with the hopes that people will investigate deeper into the depths of the upstairs, optimistically looking for a seat further down. Here, many bus users are likely to overcommit on their exit from the stairs and will be unable to slow their momentum and double back to a seat near the front without looking stupid. This will force them to venture further down the aisle, allowing you solitary safety near the front of the bus. This is a little thing we in Warwick bus academia like to call Upstairs Bus Theory.

Other potential methodologies include sitting near some drunk lunatic or taking the bus driver’s seat in the ultimate alpha portrayal of bus dominance. The latter can be achieved by patiently training to become a qualified bus driver and getting hired by Stagecoach, ensuring that you always get a solo seat. Alternatively, you could violently seize the day and the wheel – commandeering the bus to make extra-sure that you get the best seat in the house, before the inevitable legal proceedings and prison time ensue that are sure to follow this complex manoeuvre.

Consider eating food or drinking grossly and loudly, keeping your mouth open at all times to ensure effective breathing

If you are on a near-empty bus you could try a certain, extremely high-risk strategy, whereby you actually sit next to one of your few fellow bus users. This would come with the hope that such a nye-on insane act will freak them out so much that they’re forced to move for their own safety and peace of mind. From that point, you pray that news of what happened spreads across the bus and that any people who board thereafter are met with frantic headshaking, eyebrow raises, and glares of caution from existing bus users, warning all future bus boarders away from a seat next to you. Perhaps, also, this message will spread further, allowing you a lifetime of (bus) solitude.

Making that seat your own

Next you want to consider the many ways in which you can make your seat, and the one next to you, as inhospitable as physically possible, deterring anyone with any number of the five key senses to keep far away from you and your seats.

Consider eating food or drinking grossly and loudly, keeping your mouth open at all times to ensure effective breathing. Also be sure to purchase the grossest looking sandwich or the smelliest pasta possible from your nearest shop to maximise grossness. Perhaps consider going one step further: treat yourself to a stinky cheeseboard, a bowl of cocktail sausages, a pot of golden syrup, a tin of sardines, or maybe even a bucket of unidentifiable slop – all of these will undoubtedly cause your potential seat partner to realise that you are not messing around and that it’s literally not worth it.

Other bold stratagems include the arguably morally reprehensible move of taking the aisle seat and putting your bag in the window seat. This is an actively malevolent tactic, possibly crosses a moral line, and should only be used in the direst of situations

Additionally, you’re going to want to make sure that you bring a bag, an enormous musical instrument (preferably something heavy and ideally from the brass section), or a friend, to fill up the seat next to you and to deter people from asking you to move your possessions. This small manoeuvre almost certainly doubles your chance of bus success, as bus users will likely move on to some poor sucker who’s stupidly put their bag, instrument, or friend on the floor below them.

Other bold stratagems include the arguably morally reprehensible move of taking the aisle seat and putting your bag in the window seat. This is an actively malevolent tactic, possibly crosses a moral line, and should only be used in the direst of situations. However, this move could always backfire, as when I see someone doing this, I feel angry and direct that anger by standing next to their row and passively aggressively asking if I can sit there, so in my opinion, such a manoeuvre should be approached with caution.

Protecting your seat

Once you’ve selected your seat and made it your own, you now need to protect said seat.

The first tip and/or trick that I’ll be discussing in this regard is the old reliable: avoid eye contact like a guilty man – stare fixedly out the window, at your phone, or at the floor; pretend both your eyes have gone lazy or that you’ve seen something massively interesting out of the window; do whatever it takes to avoid catching someone’s eye. Never, under any circumstances, look at anyone searching for a seat – they are in a similarly awkward position, and they are seeking a lifeline. However, it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and they’ll just have to deal with it. So, whatever you do, DO NOT offer them that lifeline, as they may latch onto you, even subconsciously, and then take the seat by your side.

Additionally, you could wear no headphones and look eager to start a conversation. This will likely put most bus users off as all they want to do is get home in a state of meditative silence

Alternatively, you could implement the exact opposite approach and give people deep, piercing eye contact as they enter the bus. Make them feel awkward and weirded out so they decide it’s ultimately not worth it and evacuate to literally any other seat.

Additionally, you could wear no headphones and look eager to start a conversation. This will likely put most bus users off as all they want to do is get home in a state of meditative silence.

However, this could hypothetically backfire. For instance, you may see someone that you kind of know, but certainly not well enough to hold a full conversation with them for an entire bus ride. This can occasionally be followed by the brutal realisation that they do not share said feelings and consider you a close, personal friend, choosing to sit next you ready for a chat. A situation which almost always results in an awkward bus journey’s worth of forced conversation.

But what should you do if any of the previous stratagems have failed and someone approaches, asking after the seat next to you?

Well, there’s a myriad of last-ditch methodologies one can deploy. Firstly, you could say that you can’t give up the seat for personal reasons that you’d rather not get into right now – this is so baffling and crazy that it is sure to confuse your potential seat partner into stepping away.

Additional quick-fire approaches to put off any potential seat mates include:

– Have a friend
– Use the 11 bus to Coventry
– Be blackout drunk
– Look sick
– Be sick
– Talk to yourself like a crazy person

If none of these work, then I’m sorry to say there’s likely nothing left you can do but grit your teeth, bear the struggle, and sit next to another human being for 25 minutes. Who knows – you might even make a friend.