Will’s Word On Warwick: Wheely bad ideas and the art of the cart – just how high could a human get a trolley in the FAB?

Opinion Comedy Column

The students at the University of Warwick and the trolleys of Tesco have had a long, beautiful and, at times, abusive relationship for many years now. At Warwick, trolleys have been a handy way to get around, a quality battering ram, great for transporting booze, and, more often than not, a victim to the whims of the student. So, join me as I take a look at the folly of the trolley and the art of the cart, attempting to answer this troubling trolley problem once and for all.

Just as traffic cones ornament the various kitchens of campus, trolleys have been known to decorate the paths and lawns of the university, especially in Term One. In fact, whole pages have been dedicated to the sadistic torture and ridiculous placement of these wheely victims –see @trolleys_of_warwick for reference. Trolleys have been dropped in ponds, hung off signage, repurposed as clothes airers, stuck in trees, used as transport for traffic cones, and thrown on top of Whitefields – how they all ended up in said positions is hard to say, but we can assume it was likely the result of harsh winds.

Trolleys of Warwick also represented anarchy in its purest form, showing a rejection of the rules and the feeling of liberation that followed

In March 2024, The Wick Memes described the sense of panic and fear that Trolleys of Warwick spread among the on-campus team from October 2020-November 2021: “Campus security was in pure terror…Tesco was facing bankruptcy…[it was] truly a thing of beauty.”

Alongside being very funny and massively iconic, Trolleys of Warwick also represented anarchy in its purest form, showing a rejection of the rules and the feeling of liberation that followed. For over a year, they wreaked havoc from Cannon Park all the way to New Sherbourne. The scale of their impact was unprecedented and they amassed over 2,400 loyal Instagram followers. However, like the modern A-Team that they are, the account has since gone underground, wanted for crimes that they did not commit, popping their heads up when they are needed most, only to disappear just as quickly as they arrived.

The relationship between Warwick student and trolley is as symbiotic as fish and chips, salt and pepper, or disco and Dave

I reached out to Trolleys of Warwick to see how they felt about their page and the immense impact they’ve had on the lives of many students, security professionals, and the Tesco board alike. However, committed as ever to the deep underground, Trolleys of Warwick gave me no response. Presumably, my request for comment was not a sufficiently worthy cause, as it failed to tempt this mysterious group back onto the grid.

Regardless, what Trolleys of Warwick ultimately proves is that the relationship between Warwick student and trolley is as symbiotic as fish and chips, salt and pepper, or disco and Dave – and that, I think we can all agree, is a beautiful thing.

However, I digress and must come to my main point: just how high could one get a trolley in the Faculty of Arts Building? Now, you’re probably thinking, ‘Oh this’ll be easy, just acquire a trolley from Tesco, get it through the FAB doors, and then push it up the stairs till you hit the top’ – surprisingly that is, in fact, a rookie error and reveals a shocking level of trolley naivety. It turns out it’s actually extremely difficult to get a trolley up all those stairs, plus you might even be caught.

Trolley tradition has some valuable advice. Firstly, a pro-tip: DO NOT take the revolving front doors, as you’ll likely get stuck, this is something that generations of trolley users have had to learn the hard way

Somewhat shockingly, the lift appears to be the principal meta, as it allows the FAB to do most of the work for you. Legend has it that the optimal route goes as such: borrow a trolley from the shops, your kitchen, or local body of water, and then manoeuvre it towards the FAB via whichever route pleases you most – many would recommend via Claycroft as it limits the risk of being mugged by the Westwood Moleman. Mythic trolley tradition then recommends that while in the shops you should stock up on some journey juice to ensure that you are properly hydrated and focused for the long road ahead – handily, you can store all of your alcohol in the trolley itself. Once you’ve reached the FAB you’ll have a difficult choice to make: how do you get in?

Here, trolley tradition has some valuable advice. Firstly, a pro-tip: DO NOT take the revolving front doors, as you’ll likely get stuck. This is something that generations of trolley users have had to learn the hard way.

Traditional narratives generally recommend taking the back door instead. Again, most would stress that you should NOT take the revolving backdoor, something many trolley users also learnt from bitter experience. By sneaking in through the non-rotating back door, you should be okay to reach the secret lift without detection.

To maximise your odds, trolley folklore would suggest creating a diversion near Caffè Nero – some sort of extended, intricately choreographed, early 2010s-style flash mob would probably do the trick.

Trolley tradition would implore you to measure your attempt with a sufficiently lengthy ruler, or piece of tape

Having got into the secret lift, novices may be tempted to hit one of the lower numbers, again this is a rookie move and would show a lapse of judgement, as the principal aim of the mission is, of course, to get really high. So, trolley lore encourages you to keep calm, lock in, and press the button with the six shaped icon on it. Once this is complete, you’re on the home stretch; merely wait for the lift to hit the sixth floor before wheeling that trolley out and celebrating your success.

Optimal competitors are encouraged to throw the trolley in the direction of the ceiling to maximise height. If, as a result of a slight and fully understandable button slip, you’re throwing your trolley on the fifth floor, trolley myth would encourage you to make the people on the bottom floor aware of your throw beforehand, so as to somewhat limit the odds of them being crushed by a falling shopping trolley dropped from six storeys above. Therefore, traditional trolley culture suggests that you should give them a shout. Trolley folklore also generally promotes yelling ‘heads’, ‘think fast’, or ‘catch’ to give the people below sufficient warning, and a fun bit of jeopardy.

Finally, trolley tradition would implore you to measure your attempt with a sufficiently lengthy ruler, or piece of tape, and don’t forget to write to Trolleys of Warwick so you can share your record, compare with friends, and become a legend.

Make sure to stay tuned for my new article, coming out next week: I ran for over 40 society elections and lost them all: this is how I did it.

*This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or people is purely coincidental and we strongly discourage any attempt to replicate the described scenarios.

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.