Will’s Word On Warwick: The North Leam Bus Theory

Opinion Comedy Column

North Leam Bus Theory is the idea that the buses are actually better in North Leam, and serves as a revisionist challenge to the traditionally accepted narrative that South Leam Bus Theory or Central Leam Bus Theory are superior ideologies. Whilst NLBT is not as fringe a concept as commonly rejected, extremist pseudo-theories, such as Whitnash Bus Theory, Canley Walking Theory, and Kenilworth National Express Theory, it is still widely misunderstood by most of the Warwick population.

I am a passionate believer in North Leam Bus Theory. By sheer coincidence I also happen to live in North Leam, however I would stress that my North Leam bias is minimal at best and that it at no point enters into the contents of this article.

North Leam bus users were, in their opinion, not only smarter and fitter, but also at least twice as well prepared for seminars, compared to their southern counterparts

As someone who would die for North Leam, I would argue that the bus experience is far superior for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, I shall tackle the principal critique of NLBT, which is that the bus is full by the time it reaches North Leam, and that by living further south you can be sure that you’ll always get a seat. To counter this popularly held belief I will raise a few key points, principally: in North Leam you can leave later and get an ‘earlier bus,’ a bus that the residents of South Leam would have to wake up a whole 20 minutes earlier to board. Think of all the things you could achieve in this time: the books you could read and/or write, the extra morning runs you could get in, and the furious prep you could maybe do in time for seminars – although, perhaps it’s best not to be too ambitious.

I polled a variety of North Leam residents, and learnt that North Leam bus users were, in their opinion, not only smarter and fitter, but also at least twice as well prepared for seminars, compared to their southern counterparts – certainly any of my fellow seminar-goes can fully attest to this last part. At a rate of 20 minutes, twice a day, four days a week, for a full year excluding holidays, the average North Leam Bus Theorist saves up to 126 hours a year – that’s the equivalent of almost half a 30 CAT (or a 15 CAT) module, 18 full Skool Dayz, and 581 record-breaking walks from the Oaks to the FAB.

All of these additional hours are, obviously, always put to good use by North Leam Bus Theorists such as myself, allowing us to gain a key academic advantage, resulting in superior seminar contributions and general academic weaponry. To prove the academic superiority one can glean from implementing North Leam Bus Theory into their daily routine, I interviewed my fellow seminar-goers to articulate, in just a few words, the genius of North Leam Bus Theory. Unfortunately, whilst I can assure you that all the comments were wildly positive, they sadly had to be destroyed as many of them featured a variety of crude expletives, alongside aggressive and actively hateful language, which were not only completely unpublishable, but also damaged my mental health beyond belief. However, the point stands: North Leam Bus Theory will ensure that you command the academic respect of your seminar rivals and will definitely get you that First!

Other advantages to NLBT include access to innumerable amenities, which are simply not available to those south of the railway bridge, such as open shops, name brands and nice-looking things.

Now I should dedicate some time to discussing known pseudo-theories such as Whitnash Bus Theory, Kenilworth National Express Theory, Canley Walking Theory, and The Oaks Speed Walking Theory. These are all inherently ridiculous and, in some cases, downright dangerous.

Whitnash Bus Theory is obviously crazy. For those who don’t know, Whitnash is a suburb of Leamington Spa that is both extraordinarily distant and completely unreachable. I had the chance to talk to two Whitnash residents on the bus a couple of weeks ago, and they were able to fully corroborate the flawed nature of Whitnash Bus Theory. I have since reached out to them for further comment, but they have been unable to get back to me, presumably because they’re still on the bus.

I reached out to two prominent Canley Walking Theorists for comment. Unfortunately both mysteriously disappeared in association with two completely separate gang wars gone wrong, but that’s obviously par for the course in Canley and we’re sure that they saw it coming – though this has unfortunately meant that they have, as of yet, been unable to comment.

Other advantages to NLBT include access to innumerable amenities, which are simply not available to those south of the railway bridge, such as open shops, name brands and nice-looking things. On the Upper Parade, NLB believers can pick up all manner of produce: perhaps a Greggs or McDonalds breakfast deal, alongside a Moss suit, or, alternatively, some Boot’s medicine, a fancy meal out at La Coppola, and an air fryer from Robert Dyas – simply put, the options are limitless. In South Leam, however, you will inevitably be mugged and promptly stabbed to death upon leaving the bus.

I interviewed known Tachbrook resident and regular bus fumbler Bryn Baber-Day to see if he has huge regrets. He said “yes” (these words may have been taken out of context).

Get on that bus in North Leam, and take a stand by taking a seat, even moving house if necessary

However, some would argue that South Leam Bus Theory or Central Leam Bus Theory are superior theorems, in that they can guarantee you a seat on the bus. Whilst this is a valid argument, I would maintain that you can often chance it with the Upper Parade and still successfully bag a spot. Furthermore, I would suggest that a bus seat’s value is drastically reduced by the presence of a seat partner, a fate that is almost inevitable regardless of the theory you subscribe to, when riding with Stagecoach. It is for these reasons that I apply NLBT thusly: I get to the Upper Parade an hour before a seminar or lecture, perhaps treating myself to a breakfast meal deal of some variety along the way. I then board the very reliable, and quiet, on-the-hour bus, making it to campus with half an hour to spare – I then usually dedicate this time to not doing, or pretending to do, the required reading.

Finally, believers of NLBT can always be confident that they’ll be serviced by the U2 and the 11, a privilege many South Leam Bus nutters would never understand.

In my opinion, North Leam Bus Theory is clearly the superior ideology, with shorter bus journeys, ample seating (if you leave enough time), greater safety, superior amenities, and an unquantifiable level of academic success. So, get on that bus in North Leam, and take a stand by taking a seat, even moving house if necessary. And then, before you know it, you too will surely be reaping the limitless rewards that come with the real-world application of North Leam Bus Theory.

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.