Will’s Word On Warwick: Are The Warwick Tea and The Warwick Coffee run by the same people? A conspiracy theory

Opinion Comedy Column

Join me as I don my tin foil hat, do my own research, reject the sheeple mentality, take the red pill and, ultimately, try to get to the bottom of this puzzling mystery. Is it possible that The Warwick Coffee is merely a device that The Warwick Tea uses to market itself? Do both pages really share an admin? Is the old adage true, was P.T. Barnum correct, is there no such thing as bad publicity?  If you want the answers, read on…

We’ve all heard the theories that aliens built the Pyramids or that we evolved from monkeys or that in 1969 there was no moon landing and whilst these are all probably true, I’d like to suggest a new, perhaps, less talked about conspiracy theory to join this pantheon of greats.

This is the theory that The Warwick Tea and The Warwick Coffee are in fact the work of the same team. Just as aliens created both Stonehenge and Machu Picchu, I would suggest that the admin of The Tea and The Coffee are one and the same. On top of this, I would venture that The Warwick Coffee was created as a controlled and contained opposition, designed to ensure The Warwick Tea’s monopoly over the anonymous submission culture at the University of Warwick.

The Warwick Tea and The Warwick Coffee have remarkably similar logos: both feature crockery at centre stage, alongside the word Warwick, followed by their beverage of choice

For those who don’t know, The Warwick Tea is an Instagram confession page that styles itself as the “home of gossip” at Warwick and serves as a spiritual successor to the much-loved Warwick Grapevine. Meanwhile, The Warwick Coffee acts as The Warwick Tea’s positive counterpart, under the slogan “Roast beans, not friends,” ultimately continuing the work of the short-lived Warwick Olive Branch page, which briefly opposed Warwick Grapevine.

If the theory is true, this would suggest that The Coffee was created to market The Tea to a new audience, expanding The Tea’s reach by following huge swathes of Warwick students on Instagram, thereby making people more aware of The Tea than ever. Perhaps, The Warwick Tea admin believe the classic saying: “all publicity is good publicity” and have promptly implemented it with gusto; or, perchance, the moral weight of The Tea led some admins to revolt, leading them to create The Coffee in an attempt to atone for their sins.

Let’s look at the evidence. Firstly, the Warwick Tea and The Warwick Coffee have remarkably similar logos: both feature crockery at centre stage, alongside the word Warwick, followed by their beverage of choice. They also have a very similar style, and each includes a relatively humorous slogan. Other similarities persist, as The Tea and The Coffee seem to possess a sadomasochist-level obsession with wordplay, and both show no signs of stopping.

The plot continues to thicken, as a peculiar feature of The Warwick Coffee is its direct link to The Tea in its bio, with ‘@thewarwicktea’ sitting in prime place for eager clickers. On top of this, a reference to The Tea resides in their very logo, as The Coffee claims to be ‘The Antidote to The Warwick Tea’ and, finally, the format of The Coffee’s posts is strikingly reminiscent of the one used by The Tea.

Notably, then, a great deal of The Warwick Coffee’s branding and work appears to direct users to, and remind users of, the existence of The Warwick Tea, moreover, both pages share many interesting similarities. This is rather peculiar, raises many questions and, in my opinion, suggests that they are almost certainly run by the same people.

The questions this theory raises have huge implications and are likely to incite disturbing fear in the heart of any god-fearing Warwick student

This raises an obvious question: why would The Warwick Tea do this? Well, the advantages are twofold. Firstly, by doing this they drive more people to their account and keep people talking about The Tea at Warwick. Secondly, it allows them to create an opposition over which they have complete control, giving The Tea a monopoly over submission culture at Warwick, outside of rare posts by Warwick Scenes. This allows The Tea to control the narrative and fill a vacuum which might have been filled by a real opposition or genuine threat.

Of course, this may not be an isolated problem. It could be part of a wider Warwick conspiracy and, ultimately, it is impossible to know how far up this goes. Has this plot breached the SU President and her exec? Is it possible that Stuart Croft himself has been compromised, or worse, is he behind all of this, nefariously pulling the strings and dictating the Warwick culture, in line with his vision – it’s a troubling thought, to say the least.

The questions this theory raises have huge implications and are likely to incite disturbing fear in the heart of any god-fearing Warwick student. Just how high up does this conspiracy go? What is the scale and extent of this lie? Is this an isolated problem or is it baked into the framework of the University of Warwick? Unfortunately, we just don’t know. What’s my answer to this troubling revelation? It is to trust no one, ever again.

I reached out to The Warwick Tea for comment, and the admin insisted that they had “nothing to do with the launch of Warwick Coffee” and maintained that, frankly, they “would not be able to find the time to pull this off.” Although, interestingly, they divulged to me that they did, in fact, see a “notable uptake in followers” on ‘the day that The Warwick Coffee launched’ and on the days following. So, whether it was The Coffee admin’s intention or not, The Warwick Coffee has likely helped The Tea more than they have hindered it.

I think the extent of the similarities between them and the advantages that controlling The Coffee would grant The Tea make it a compelling and, frankly, troubling theory

Even more intriguingly, The Warwick Tea admin let slip that they were in their third year, jokingly referencing the extent of the workload they had on their hands, whether this was a misdirect or a genuine truth is hard to say, however. Certainly, if The Coffee and The Tea are run by the same people, one would assume that Freshers are the only people with this much time on their hands. However, if they are Freshers, how would they be able to understand the intricacies of Warwick life so quickly?

I also reached out to The Warwick Coffee for comment – they insisted that they were “their own thing” and firmly rejected the implication that they were a “pawn” for The Warwick Tea. They insisted that any “brand similarities” were a result of them parodying The Tea, rejected the similarity between the logos, and affirmed that the link to The Warwick Tea account in their description was merely to “boost engagement” with their account and not The Warwick Tea. Perhaps, then, the only thing that The Warwick Coffee shares with The Tea is a passion for wordplay, a love for the culture, and not an admin. However, I fear it may not be that simple.

Firstly, they would say that, wouldn’t they. Secondly, I find the last bit of The Coffee’s statement dubious at best, as I fail to see how a link to The Tea in their bio would serve as a meaningful or worthwhile way of boosting The Warwick Coffee account. Furthermore, I think the extent of the similarities between them and the advantages that controlling The Coffee would grant The Tea make it a compelling and, frankly, troubling theory. Ultimately, I believe that with all this evidence combined, and despite what their admins say, it is definitely possible that The Coffee is a front used to promote The Tea, by The Tea, for The Tea, so as to keep it a subject of conversation at the University of Warwick.

To conclude, I would encourage you not to believe anything I’ve written today, as I may be a government operative. Instead, I implore you to get out there, do your own research, escape the matrix, fight the power, stick it to the man and then, via this foolproof method, you’ll undoubtedly find the truth.

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.