Will’s Word On Warwick: The Westwood Moleman – A force for good, or a terrible nightmare?

Opinion Comedy Column

The Westwood Moleman is the University of Warwick’s latest cryptid, joining the likes of Rolf the cat, the Claycroft naked guy, the Tocil rats (which are definitely real), and the dinosaurs that were fossilised in a compromising position. The Westwood Moleman is a half-human, half-mole creature that lurks in the Westwood region gobbling up unsuspecting Westwoodians, which explains their complete lack of presence on campus.

Reports of the Westwood Moleman began on 4 November 2024 and many stories promptly followed, with accusations of aggressive scrap metal and old tyre consumption, alongside the alleged murder of someone’s international flatmate (RIP).

the Westwood Moleman was formed out of a genetic mutation in the water supply caused by excessive purple dumping, and sports society members falling into the various lakes and ponds of the university

These are serious charges, and yet, so far, the Westwood Moleman has remained silent. We sent six investigative reporters to try and pin down the Moleman and get a comment. Unfortunately none of them have returned: whether that’s because of how far away Westwood is or because the Westwood Moleman ate them is yet to be established.

As the Warwick folk tale goes, the Westwood Moleman was formed out of a genetic mutation in the water supply caused by excessive purple dumping, and sports society members falling into the various lakes and ponds of the university. Some say, however, that the Westwood Moleman is just a guy in Westwood with a mole costume, who runs around in it at night. Others say that he was the creation of a Westwood STEM student who went mad, for obvious reasons, and created a Frankenstein’s-monster-of-sorts that continues its creator’s dream of destroying Westwood.

More information can be found on Warwick Tea (@thewarwicktea), where some have claimed that the Westwood Moleman is “some feral homeless guy.” Perhaps then, the Moleman has something deeper to teach us about the homelessness crisis in the UK and modern society as a whole.

The most detailed description of the Moleman ever published was presented by an anonymous off-campus whistleblower, who described the creature thusly:

“The Westwood Moleman is a sapient, humanoid creature living in the woods around Westwood accommodation. He is a hunchbacked biped, easily recognisable by his scaly skin, light-sensitive eyes and huge clawed hands which are used for digging and defense. As his name implies, he is excellent at digging and moving in the underground. His diet consists of large mushrooms and animal flesh, especially geese. Despite his brute appearance, the Moleman possesses human-level intelligence and only acts aggressively when it feels threatened or hungry.”

Interestingly, recent reports suggest that this monster may have a heart

If you encounter the Westwood Moleman, we encourage you to run for your life, as this may be your only hope of survival. Perhaps if you escape Westwood the Moleman will be unable to follow, or maybe he will. Unfortunately, we just don’t know for sure.

The university’s cryptid situation has only worsened in recent days, with incoming reports of the Heronbank Mushroom Man, who leaves mushroom crumbs everywhere, and of the Sherbourne Owl Woman, who reportedly snatched someone’s flatmate off the top floor of Sherbourne. Perhaps then, the Westwood Moleman is not an isolated problem but is, instead, merely an individual player in a larger epidemic of on-campus cryptid activity.

Interestingly, recent reports suggest that this monster may have a heart: one outspoken Warwick Tea contributor talked fondly of a morning of passion with the Moleman, calling it the best experience of their life. Is it possible this nightmare has a heart? No. For it is a beast and we must destroy it with fire and blood and anguish.

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.