Will’s Word On Warwick: The Human Limit – Just how fast can a person walk from The Oaks to the FAB?

Opinion Comedy Column

The human obsession with speed and competition has a rich and fruitful history: in 2009 Usain Bolt achieved a 100m time of 9.58 seconds; in 2019 Eliud Kipchoge became the first human to run a marathon in less than two hours; and in late 2024 I managed a sub-13 walk from The Oaks to the FAB doors.

This competition is hotly contested, as competitors not only need access to The Oaks, the student block just past the Varsity pub, but they must also have cause to rush to the Faculty of Arts Building. As a result of these enormously wide parameters for entry, competition is fierce, and the sport is, of course, grossly oversaturated with athletes.

The history of this remarkable subculture is a long and intricate one. It began with people bragging about their sub-15-minute walks from their floors in The Oaks to the FAB entrance and was followed by a litany of people sharing and comparing times. Ultimately, the challenge was standardised as beginning from the Student Roost sign and ending at the FAB doors, to ensure fair competition, regardless of flat location.

I was extremely wary of SWs (that’s Slow Walkers for the uninitiated), of being run over, or, worst of all, bumping into someone I knew

How did my obsession with achieving the perfect run begin, I hear you ask? Well, I saw people comparing times, bragging about their sub-15 walks, and referencing nonsense walks to the Oculus instead (which are obviously stupid and not worth timing). This incensed me: like Jesus in a temple market, I flipped the nearest table and started walking: where to, I hear you asking again.

To the FAB, from The Oaks. I walked and I walked, again and again, trying to achieve the perfect run. I was extremely wary of SWs (that’s Slow Walkers for the uninitiated), of being run over, or, worst of all, bumping into someone I knew and getting trapped in disastrously time-wasting small talk.

What have I learned over my hours of vicious, unrelenting practice? Well, a few things: first off, SWs will be your greatest nemeses, particularly pairs of SWs – they can kill a run in an instant. However, you must be prepared to deal with them if you’re attempting to compete at peak times (that is on the hour, between 9 am and 4 pm).

The optimal Oaks-FAB walker knows no one. They have no friends, know no shame, and they reject all distractions. They must also have a long stride, fantastic walking technique, quality shoes, and a drive to succeed.

A competitor must begin the run at the Student Roost sign, as is customary, at a fast-walking pace, making sure to start the timer as they leave the final section of the sign to their left. The first roundabout should be taken via the shortest possible path, with no regard for road, or personal, safety. The subsequent strait should be taken at a rocketing pace. All SWs should be handled with furious overtakes or with physical rugby tackles, if necessary. Many of these overtakes will require a complete lack of shame and social awareness, therefore serious athletes are encouraged to remove the parts of their brain that trigger those feelings.

As far as I’m aware, this is the fastest time ever achieved in the history of this sport

If you see anyone you know, you have immediately failed the first rule of the FAB-Oaks Walk challenge: “know no-one.” To mitigate the damage, you could fake a bout of blindness or hysteria and barrel on past them as if you’ve gone mental.

Disguise is also encouraged to avoid such problems. However, make sure not to take the disguise element too far: I found out the hard way after a friend and I attempted the ‘two kids in a trench coat’ disguise technique, which ultimately, and somewhat shockingly, ended up hampering the speed of our run rather than enhancing it.

My record is 12 minutes and 55 seconds, a time which, whilst exceptional, could be further optimised with fewer SWs, a smoother FAB entry, and superior RNG on the first roundabout crossing. I was recently congratulated on my astounding record by the ever-elusive creator of the challenge, who remarked that my time was “an incredible achievement” that blew his personal best “out of the water.” For me, it was an honour to decimate this legendary athlete’s record and to receive such an official commendation.

As far as I’m aware, this is the fastest time ever achieved in the history of this sport, though I’m sure one day this record will inevitably fall, just as all things fall with the ebbs and flows of time.

Stay tuned for my new article, coming soon: What exactly are the people who run on campus running from?

Will’s Word On Warwick is a satirical column intended for comedic purposes only.